It has been over a month since my last post. I’m sitting here thinking about where I am right now and where I have come from over the years with this blog. I started it in hopes of exploring different aspects of myself and now find myself quite intrigued by where this journey has taken me. It definitely has not taken a path I had anticipated. Life seems to have caused a major detour.
Detours can be aggravating or they can lead one to a more scenic route with wonderful views and insights. Many times which version we see greatly depends upon how we choose to interpret it.
My interpretation many times was a view of ugliness, darkness and sometimes felt like I was wading through a huge garbage dump. When I look back on it now, I can see the pure beauty of all the detours and where they have brought me. I will be the first to admit that life works in mysterious ways. What we think is the worst thing to ever happen to us, can often end up being the least worst after we experience what else life has to teach us. This is why, though things appear as though I’m out of that long dark tunnel I spoke of in my previous blog, I hold myself in reserve, anticipating what else might happen.
When I began my journey to explore the submissive aspect of myself, I felt like I was finally on a path that would nurture me and see me into a better life. Then cancer entered my life, which put my journey of exploration into a state of hiatus. It remains in that state today. Once clear of cancer a year later, I celebrated by buying our home and finally feeling like I could breathe and live again. I felt for sure I was now on a path that would nurture me and have that better life. Then six months later I was laid off work. A year and a half later, I have a job and hopefully the finances we need to have a good life.
I have now been in my new job for almost two months. It is surprising how quickly those two months have gone by. For the first four weeks or so I experienced anxiety any time I thought about going into work or on the days I was scheduled to work. I wondered if that anxiety would ever leave me alone. I was afraid it would be a permanent part of my life.
One day, I sat down and thought about how I feel when I am doing my job. It had dawned on me that once I began my shift, I didn’t feel anxious, so I decided to take a deeper look. What I discovered was this. I didn’t feel anxiety at all while at work. In fact, I felt happy. Really happy. I enjoyed interacting with every single customer. Okay, there is the occasional customer who I don’t enjoy but they are short lived. I do what I can to get them through my till because I know, no matter what I do, their experience will not be a happy one. I can’t make people want to be pleasant, so I move them through as quickly as I can and hopefully without me showing them how much their attitude irritates me. I may run into one or two people out of the hundreds I interact with every day and believe me, they are like a small grain of black sand in the middle of a huge pile of shiny glittery grains of sand.
I have found myself often wondering what it is about my job that makes me so happy. I know it isn’t the money because I’m paid minimum wage so I don’t get paid much, only just enough to help pay my bills while on a strict budget. Standing on my feet all day isn’t fun either although it may help due to the additional activity which can help increase those happy chemicals in our bodies. I have to believe it is because of interacting with so many wonderful people every day and being reminded that this world isn’t as dark as the news reports can make it seem.
I often look back at my life to learn and get a better perspective on what has happened, where it has taken me and where I might want to go from here. Of late, I have felt as though my life has been in a very dark place for a long time with only a few periods of being in the light. Emerging into the light after a dark period can often make other parts of my life seem very dark. Where do I want to go from here? It is my hope that I will be in the light for many years to come with only a few small periods of darkness to remind me to appreciate the light I have.
I also recognize this new job is definitely one of a submissive nature. My previous job was as well, however, it didn’t have the rewarding aspects that accompany my current job. Hearing, thank you and please, many times a day, being in a role which is a service to others, and being told on my first evaluation that my performance is excellent and to keep up the good work, these things make me feel really good about myself. There is a part of me which happily twirls and spins inside when I experience these things. The occasional flirtation doesn’t hurt either. *grins widely*
Once I realized these things about my new job, the anxiety vanished. I still went to see my doctor for a refill on my medication, for that “just in case” moment since I haven’t needed it for over a month now. I’m cautious enough to understand, though this may be the end of the anxiety/panic over this situation, it doesn’t mean I am free of any triggers that might bring them back. I realized this just yesterday when my daughter was watching “The Office” and the scene I watched was them pranking an employee about being terminated. I could feel the fingers flicking over the triggers threatening to flip them on. My daughter finds the show funny while I find it reminds me too much of my old job. Those few minutes of watching the show reminded me how grateful I am to not be in my old job any more. I know the show is meant to be a comedy or sort of mockumentary but it is too close to the reality I lived for over thirty years. It is amazing what we put up with because we are too afraid to try something else.
I began to write, “for now”, in regards to my life being good, but I’m done putting conditions on my life. I want to be done thinking things are temporary. Unfortunately, this is the conundrum I find myself within. I want to believe I’m through this and life will be good, but I’m cautious because past experience has shown me how temporary it can be. I’ve been taking one day at a time, enjoying each day as it is, then like today, I look up and I’m surprised by how many days have gone by. Not in a bad way, just in a surprisingly good way.
This is where I am right now. What comes next? Well, my plan is to just try and enjoy life and whatever it decides to put in my path.