I hate it when people come into your life, tell you they are interested and then after vesting so much of your time into getting to know them, they suddenly disappear. Never to be heard from again.
It’s like WTF? Do I have a sign on my chest that says, “Hey, come play with me but only for a fancy passing, then be off with you. I don’t have time for long relationships”?
I swear I feel like this sometimes. Then afterwards it is really hard not to come down really hard on myself. I just know it has to be a fault of mine that has these people fluttering in and then fluttering out as if they are butterflies some come for the nectar and once it is all gone then they go on to other flowers. Well, doesn’t that mean I must be short on nectar? Or maybe they just don’t like the taste of my nectar.
It is difficult not to think such things. Then today, one of those people who just disappeared without a word, comes skating back in after being absent a couple of months. I didn’t berate him. I didn’t jump all over his ass for just disappearing without a word. I just talked to him and waited to see what he would say.
He did apologize, saying he had been working seven days a week and he was sorry things got so crazy on him that screwed things up but that he had been thinking about me a lot. Well the funny thing is he was working today too, so what made it so different today that he would finally talk to me when he hadn’t for months? I didn’t ask, at least at first I didn’t. I didn’t think I really wanted to know. But later I did ask and he said he couldn’t contain himself. Now what is that supposed to mean? Oh yeah, right, I get it, he wants sex.
I try hard not to think in my mind how I hate men. I don’t take it out on all men but every single one I have met has been very self-involved and self-centered. Their only agenda is what they can get. I’m tired of it all. I put myself out there for what?
I think I’m through with the dating game. It isn’t a game I want to play anymore. From now on my agenda is about me and making myself happy, not trying to make a man happy.
I have come to the conclusion that the reason I have trouble with men is because I present a challenge to them and they don’t like a challenge. They want sex handed to them and not have to work for it. They don’t want to deal with a woman’s emotions and what she needs. They want to think I have no mind but when they find out I have one, along with emotions, they scatter like sheep before a wolf.
I need a man who doesn’t find my confidence or my intelligence or independence or my emotions as a threat and who isn’t afraid of a little hard work in order to get what he wants in bed. I’m done with trying to win a man over, he now needs to win me.
So here is what I’m thinking about putting in my dating profile. I know it most likely will make men cringe and think ‘oh, god, a woman who wants more than just sex’ but maybe it will make them all scurry and leave me alone if that is all they want. Granted I want sex, but I want more than that and more than that can be the difference between mediocre sex with me and having the greatest sex of their lives.
So here it is:
I am going to do this a little differently. Most people put on their profile all about what they like to do. What they do isn’t what makes the person. What they experienced in life is what molded them into the person they are. Everyone is molded in different ways, many have experiences others could only dream about and others have experiences no one else would ever want to experience. I’m here to say I want to know what molded YOU. I want to know if something happened today that made you think of something joyful, or sad from your past. I want to know what you think about, whether something happened today that made you laugh, or sad and why. I want to know if there is something I can do that will make your day better. I want to know what a simple touch of my hand in your hand makes you feel. I want to know even if these things take you to a dark place in your soul. This isn’t because I’m nosey, this is because this is who you are and I want to know intimately who you are.
I often tell people I am not a surface dweller. Knowing what your favorite color is, and what your favorite food is, is fine, but what makes that particular color your favorite or what makes that particular food your favorite is what I really want to know.
I don’t want a surface dweller. I seek someone who is willing to enter the deep with me, and obviously is willing to share their deepness with me.
Do you want to open your heart to someone who truly cares? Or do you want to open it only partway and shelter the rest forever wondering why you never feel the deep love that you yearn for?
I doubt there will be very many men who will read past the first couple lines. I’m sure they will think ‘boring’ but then that’s fine. I’m not here to entertain them. That isn’t what love is all about.