I had a reader send me an email regarding my story and asking “why”, though I thought I had answered this question in the telling of my story, I realized upon replying to him, there were some important things left out, therefore, I am adding this addendum to my story which is my response to his email.
I appreciate you sharing your feelings. The ‘why’ for someone to understand, they would have had to be in my shoes. Lived the life I lived. But that is only possible by me. I used to look at abused women who stayed on and on after their husbands beat the shit out of them and wonder ‘why’. I had a very good friend go through that very thing, stay with me, knowing she had a place to live and yet she still went back to the bastard. I can’t understand it. I haven’t lived her life, nor could I ever be in her head to see it as she did. She did eventually get out and stay out, just as I eventually did. But while I was in it. I didn’t think of it as abuse. I can’t explain it. Just as I never thought of how my father treated me or my brothers as abusive since he never beat us. Mental games, manipulations, using people, is something that is very hard to see especially when you are the one in the middle of it. If my friends had known all that I did for the man and how he treated me, they would have seen it clearly and would have been after me to leave him, but they were thousands of miles away.
Also as I said much was left out, and I may add this last part I’m going to tell you. While I was with him, there were three people who I came to know who knew him or knew us, one a husband and wife and another was my chiropractor, when I told them what had happened and the person he was with me THEY were SHOCKED and APPALLED. This man was so good at ‘TALKING’ getting me and anyone he spoke of to believe what he said, that these three professional people never saw it coming what I told them about him. I told them because I didn’t want him using them and he could very well have because of how he had also manipulated their minds into seeing what he wanted them to see, just as he had done with me. The other thing I didn’t mention is that he isolated me. I moved away from all my family and friends, not that my family would have done anything but at least one of my friends if she had known would have had a stern talk with me.
With that all being said. I believe things happen for a reason. I believe this happened to me for 2 reasons. 1. For my daughter (I wouldn’t have had her otherwise) 2. Because I needed to change, he was the catalyst, however harsh that might sound, I’m a stubborn bitch and a good bit of the time, I have to learn things for myself and it can’t be shown to me, I have to be hit over the head several times by something harder than a 2×4.
Sometime I’ll write another story that will bring that point sadly home to you. That journey showed me one of other thing I didn’t mention about myself, that I AM submissive. His dominance (however perverted it was) fed me in ways I can’t even explain and that maybe the one factor that kept me there longer than I would have been if he hadn’t used dominance at all.
The person you have come to know is BECAUSE of what I experienced. I would not be her today without having gone through what I did. It may be sad but it is true. You can be sad and both happy for me, I accept that. This was written not to have anyone feel sorry for me though most likely some will, I wrote it so maybe other women or even men will learn what is acceptable or what isn’t in their situation or maybe they will see the writing on the wall before they get sucked into it. I’m just glad he is in jail and can no longer damage another person (except maybe those in jail with him) and that he will be a long way from my daughter. And when he gets out, I’m hoping she will be strong enough to not let him infiltrate her world and use her if he should ever attempt to do so.
Life is what it is and to me it is a journey from which we learn and grow from. I don’t harbor resentment or anger (I used to but not anymore). I have no idea what would have happened if I never experienced what I did. I do know I would be a different person or I might have eventually ended my own life. Or just remained in depression and living a miserable life. All I know is I’m not doing that and I haven’t given up yet or meeting the love of my life who will ‘get’ me and all my darkness.
I most likely would still be in denial about being submissive. And I can’t tell you how important understanding that part about myself really is. It has answered a lot of questions about what has happened in my life and how my denial of it caused me to act in the ways I did. My life has been full of signs leading me to learning just that one thing and I spent years running away from it.
So be happy, not sad. I am who I am because of my experiences. If you like who I am now, then be happy for me.