As some of you may have read, it has been a long road for me in regards to first learning I may be a submissive; second in accepting that I am a submissive; third in learning what submission means to me. The last part of my journey is still ongoing and most likely will be for the rest of my life. I have decided to keep a journal of my journey.
Let me first give a bit of background, if anyone wishes to read a bit of my story, they can find it here at this link. I began research several months ago to learn about Dominant and submissive relationships. Prior to that I had a very rudimentary knowledge of BDSM which in my opinion is not a relationship but tools one uses for whatever purpose two people choose to use them.
I came across many varied opinions on D/s relationships, some of which made my stomach turn, others which had elements of fear and revulsion and most recently one that calls to the very heart of who I am as I learn more and more. This last one was discovered through my blogging adventure, after finding a few different bloggers who were either submissive or couples in D/s relationships. In one particular she referenced Xajow, providing a link to his blog which oddly enough took me to nothing but a page that said it could not be found.
Let it not be said that I am not persistent.
I discovered a comment from Xajow on her post which was successful at taking me to his blog. Let me first say, the reason I looked him up was because she spoke highly of him in helping her as a submissive. Since I was looking for knowledge, her positive remarks made me curious. I wish I could remember for sure who she was, but alas that isn’t the case. If I discover the post again, I will definitely give her credit here. (24Apr2014, the blogger found me, here is the post which led me to Mr. Xajow, thank you Errant Satiety.)
Discovering Xajow has been for me probably the most important thing that has happened in my journey in understanding my submissive nature. The first post of his I read, left an interesting impression, a Dom of strong opinions which he had no trouble expressing, and could also be quite stern in his expectations and requirements, not just of his sub but his readers and especially those who wanted to have an exchange of words with him.
Up until and including this first introduction to Xajow, I had great fear of Doms in general, for a couple different reasons. My limited understanding of them through BDSM initially left me feeling uncertain as to how Doms really treated their subs, and then my experience with a man who claimed to be a Dom who was actually a man who used domination as a form of abuse. Quite frankly, even considering just leaving a comment to a Dom put fear in my belly. With Xajow though, having read a couple of his other posts, I decided to take the plunge and leave a comment to see if he would reply or not, and if so, then his reply would determine if I would choose to continue with any interaction with him.
Before he replied, I found my curiosity had been peaked with only the couple posts I had read, so I searched for his first entry in his blog, in reality, due to my logical mind, I wanted to read his posts in chronological order, to see what I could learn about him.
That journey of discovery has been very enlightening. I am beginning to believe we may be kindred spirits of a sort, for in every one of his posts I have found his opinions to be very similar to my own if not completely dead on target. I am not referring to D/s relationships but his views and opinions about politics, people’s rights, and many other topics he has discussed on his blog.
The shocking realization was the politics. I rarely ever discuss politics with anyone, because my views are so radical to those I am around that if I mention my views it ends up with me feeling as though I’m being attacked and I’m left with trying to defend my position. At this point I politely change the subject. I am not a confrontational person, and I prefer a harmonious environment. I seek to do what I can to create and maintain a harmonious environment whether I am at home or out somewhere.
Since I was a small child I have known my ideas were far different from those around me, and I learned it is not important for me to try and sway others to my way of thinking. Most others do not feel this way, in my experience, I have found if others find out my opinion or belief is different from theirs they try to talk me into believing theirs. I will respectfully listen to their opinions, understanding they have their reasons for believing what they do, and I usually drop it at that time if I find no valid argument that would cause me to change my view. I see no point in creating an environment of disharmony when two people do not agree. Especially, if it is not important to how they relate together. Which for me politics is not something that should cause dissention between two people even when they do not agree. To each their own.
So, finding someone who was finally voicing how I felt inside about so many things, including politics, free speech, people’s rights, and possibly even religion, has me struggling now to even describe how it made me feel. Elated. Exhilarated. Relieved. And something akin to coming home. I just cannot explain it any better than that.
To top it off, once I started digging into his posts for submissives and dominants, I found myself even more enthralled with the person behind the blog. I left comments. In almost all of my comments except one, I call him Sir, in the exception I called him O Wise One. I do so not because he is my Dom, for he is not. I don’t even do it because he is a Dom. I do so because he has earned my respect from the moment I entered his site and started reading his blog. In all the comments I have left, he has done nothing else but treat me with respect.
He provides me with valuable information. On top of that I have found he also offers assignments for submissives who are willing to accept them so they might grow and gain understanding about who they are. I am considering taking on each of his assignments in time.
The idea for this journal came about from reading his suggestions to new submissives. Last night, after reading assignment 4, I decided to perform it prior to going to bed as well as start a journal to record what I learn. No, I did not tell him I accepted the assignment. This first time was just to see for myself how I would respond to doing such an assignment. In truth, I didn’t expect to experience much other than discomfort with doing the task the first time. This was my first experience with kneeling in submission. What actually occurred was shocking, enlightening, exhilarating, and rewarding, all at once.
Assignment 4 has the submissive,
“kneel with your knees shoulder width apart, your ass on your heels, your back straight, your hands palms up and resting on your thighs, and your eyes looking straight ahead.”
I chose to do this naked, by my bed just after midnight this morning, just before going to bed. While kneeling I repeated the following mantra:
“I am a submissive.
I serve with strength and grace.
I am a submissive.”
The instructions were to repeat this three times or more if one so desires. I started by saying the mantra to myself, but this left me feeling weak. I found myself taking a deep breath and letting it out, then continued but spoke aloud though at first softly, with each word I found my voice growing in strength and confidence. I repeated the mantra more than three times by the time I was done, since saying it to myself had made me feel as it did. At the completion of stating the mantra, I closed my eyes, breathing deeply, I thought about how I felt.
I was surprised at the calm and peaceful feeling that pervaded me. I was also surprised that during my focus on the mantra I had forgotten about being naked. As I crawled into bed, I realized my body was suffused with warmth. Anyone who knows me very well, will know it is rare for me to feel completely warm, usually parts of me will feel cool or even chilled.
Feeling this warmth was something unexpected as was the sense of peace. As I lay down to sleep I found the mantra continuing to repeat itself in my head. I sat and wrote in my hand written journal in order to have a fresh recording of what I experienced. I didn’t want time or sleep to change the way my experience would be recorded.
It is morning now, in fact, I woke around 3:30am my mind buzzing with my experience and the idea to record my experience with submission in a journal online. I tried to go back to sleep but could not, so I began my first entry in my journal. As it is now time for me to get up to start my day. I now go to do my morning ritual. Last night’s experience has shown me, this will not be just a week long assignment but a ritual for me every day.
I performed the assignment again this morning just as I did last night. This time, no hesitation, and with strength. Peace again suffused me with its grace and leaves me with a calm mind to begin my day.
For anyone who wants to follow my journey, I shall create a link where one can access just those journal entries associated with my journey so no one has to weed through other journal entries or writings I post.