I don’t even know how to go about describing today. Do I try or just leave it be? However, I feel this need to write about how I feel. I’m sort of in a middle land. On one side I feel wonderful, happy, and content. On the other side, I feel restless, as though I am not doing enough, and sometimes sad, which I don’t know why. Well, maybe I do know why.
I’m not sure I should write about it, but I’ll attempt to do so in general terms. A male friend, someone I only know through online, has a desire to be dominant and he struggles with it. I know I can’t take on his problems and try to fix it, but I do want to help. He asked today what it is a Dom does that makes a sub feel as she does and I know he is talking about how happy she is, how much she cherishes her Dom for what he does for her, all the good and wonderful feelings she has.
Of course, I’m only just coming into my submissive self and learning for the first time what it really feels like, at least in the small things I’ve done so far, to submit. I only know how it feels when Xajow tells me how pleased he is that I’m learning or that something has helped me, or that he really liked something I wrote. He isn’t my Dom, I tell myself but I have no Dom and really have had no real experience with one, so I feel inadequate in being able to answer my friend. I did suggest he find others to speak to, possibly even another Dom. He doesn’t say he will but he doesn’t say he won’t either and though he says I help, I don’t get the feeling that I am because he remains confused.
I don’t like not helping my friends, however, I have to be honest and today it was a distraction and I feel, I was not able to do my best.
The question I ask myself right now is, did I serve or did I do a disservice? I don’t know the answer. That makes me sad.
I know he’ll end up reading this and I don’t want him to feel bad because of how this made me feel. But I have to be honest about my feelings so I won’t lie about this. I can only hope he finds what he needs.