Yesterday, felt kind of surreal, after performing my assignment upon rising for my day. I was both anxious and excited about posting my first journal entry for my journey. Mr. Xajow’s acceptance of adding a link to his blog and quoting him had added another level of pleasure to my day. Though I have no Dom, I felt the presence of one all day, encouraging me to do my best, especially when I would become distracted from my work.
My interactions with my daughter felt different. I felt more love for her inside and responsibility for taking care of her with love and respect always in mind.
In the evening, I undertook a 30 minute drive to the person who does my taxes for me. She had emailed me earlier in the day telling me they were ready. For those in the US, Canadian tax returns are not due until the end of April, with me being a US Citizen living outside of the US, my US taxes aren’t due until June. Therefore, there was no hurry for me to pay the fee, however I was looking forward to the drive and some quiet time to think.
During my drive, I considered the boss I work for who only a couple years ago replaced my previous boss who had less than desirable traits, shall we say. I have known the man who is my current boss for almost 30 years, and at one time had been my people manager (handled the administrative side of things) many years ago. I have always respected him as a leader and a man. Thinking about him last night had me wondering if he is a Dom, but most assuredly he is a dominant, a good dominant. I had never considered him in this way before and I can only credit my new awareness of being a submissive to account for this change in perspective. It has helped me shed some light on my business relationship with him and how best to serve him. It put a smile on my face thinking about it.
I also thought about my daughter. I have always known she has a tendency to try and control things around her. Her karate instructor is encouraging her to enter a new level which helps to develop leadership skills however she has been resisting. Yesterday, I was able to connect her attempt at control to what that meant relative to her personality and who she is and realized her personality is that of a dominant and I wonder how best I can support her. My being a submissive makes me wonder how I can help nourish her dominant nature so she will be a good dominant who will understand her value as a dominant. Last night I posed a similar question to Mr. Xajow and look forward to hearing what he has to say on the subject.
I realized what might be an interesting side effect to my ritual, which I may have to write about in more detail. For here though I will briefly say, I have found my sex drive has become more stable, for lack of a better term right now. For about six years after the situation in the story I posted a few days ago, which I will link to this journal since it is a very important part of my journey, I had no libido and didn’t care that I didn’t. But the universe in all of its wisdom, wouldn’t let that be. For physical reasons I started bioidentical hormone replacement which had the effect of waking up my libido, however it did so with great exuberance. I found myself quite at its mercy at times, and sometimes several times a day. Since I began my morning and evening ritual, it has become steady instead of a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows which felt uncontrollable but now no longer does.
I also found myself thinking about a time when my daughter and I went to a park not far away where we found we could feed some wild birds. I thought about the difference in the way the two of us fed the birds that day. She would sit and hold out her hand with bird seed in her palm, remaining still allowing the bird to come to her and eat out of her hand. I, on the other hand, sat upon the ground not far away, and placed bird seed upon the ground not far away allowing the bird to eat close by. I realized the difference, in my daughter’s case the bird became submissive towards her. In my case, I was the submissive that served the bird. An interesting observance to the differences in who we are, a dominant versus a submissive.
Last night I performed my assignment, this is what I wrote in my handwritten journal:
11:40pm Tonight begins the actual day 1 of the assignment with Mr. Xajow since I told him I accepted the assignment. Again I took the kneeling position as instructed and chose to be nude while performing the assignment. After completing the mantra three times, I remained kneeling allowing myself to feel the calmness and peace. I extended my kneeling saying the mantra a few more times and then wrote in my journal while still kneeling. Yes, I felt some discomfort but continued anyway to get myself accustomed to kneeling for longer periods of time. As I finish my entry in my journal I can feel myself becoming wet. There was some pain from my knees down upon rising but it soon dissipated into tingling, pins and needles sensation, lasting a few minutes.
I slept the night through waking before my alarm would sound, feeling rested.
6:15am I awoke to some lines in my head which I felt compelled to write down.
“He wondered through the miasma of her wasteland, taking with him everything he could take. Not a rock unturned. Not a stone left untouched. Not a smile left behind. She was his to do with as he pleased.”
I am not sure what I’ll use it for and maybe I won’t use it for anything but a reminder for me. (It turns out it was the beginning of a short story, you will find it at the end of this link )
After writing the lines down, I performed my assignment.
This morning peace and calmness were upon me on waking and as I performed my assignment they became solidified. After yesterday morning’s ritual being a submissive hovered in my awareness all day opening my eyes to many things that demonstrated submissive or dominant traits. I began to see things, events and people within this sphere.
I also found doing chores I had once hated, to be filled with a calmness and pride, pride for wanting to do them as best I could. I have found an inner happiness that has not been there before, which bubbles to the surface and even my daughter commented when I picked her up from school that I looked happy. I cannot express how just performing the ritual has helped bring me together as a whole, as though a part of myself had been missing but no longer is. Thank you Mr. Xajow. Without errantsatiety (yes, this morning on reading a comment to yesterday’s journal entry, I found the blogger, or should I say she found me, whose post had taken me to Mr. Xajow!), I would never have met him. I shall update my journal entry from yesterday. Thank you Errant Satiety!