My morning assignment complete I found myself saying the mantra with firmness of a spirit determined.
Determined because of the feelings invading me. I find myself off balance, maybe from the emotions of yesterday, or because as a submissive and a mother I had to lay down some firm ground rules for my daughter. Or possibly all of the above. Whatever the reason, I’m feeling uncomfortable, off kilter, trepidation swarms within. Physically, my hands and feet are cold and I feel chills then heat spiking beneath the surface and no this is not fever or sickness. I know the difference. This is something altogether different. I just hope I can concentrate on work. The mantra didn’t leave me as calm and peaceful as before.
I am feeling lost and quite alone. I don’t know why. Is this normal for a new submissive after a day or two of embracing her submissive side and feeling wonderfully elated, that they should suddenly find themselves feeling frightened and alone or lost? I don’t know what to do.
I decided to take a long hot shower, hoping it would relax me. I also tend to do a lot of my thinking there which at times can be counterintuitive to what I intend the shower to accomplish. In this case I heard Xajow’s voice, well not his real voice for I’ve never spoken with him or heard him speak, and how weird would that be for his voice to come out of the ether right there while I’m in the shower, but it was just the voice my imagination conjures whenever I read his words. It is just what I do when I read anyone’s words. It isn’t my voice I hear but one my mind creates for them. I know, it is just my weirdness. My mind also forms pictures whenever I read or write. That is just me.
So back to what I was saying. I heard Xajow’s voice “take up the kneeling position and perform the mantra”. Okay so I don’t know if he would actually say that or not, but with being at a loss as to what to do. What I heard made sense. After I completed my shower, I went to my room, and did just as his voice instructed. My hair still wet from my shower. I knelt naked feeling water dripping from my hair down my back. It added a different element as I repeated the mantra. I don’t know how many times. I didn’t count. I just focused on the mantra until I felt calm. Then I closed my eyes and focused on the water drops as they dripped from my hair onto my skin and slowly made their way down my back to drip upon my toes. I don’t know how long I stayed in this position and meditated upon the drops of water. All I know is it was soothing.
Afterwards, I lay upon my bed for a bit and allowed my consciousness to flow into a quietness that led toward a short nap.
I do feel a bit better now, though maybe not to where I was after the first time of performing the ritual, but I do feel calmer, more focused. I thank God, I have a job where I can work from home, and on my lunch hour or breaks be able to do things such as this to refocus.
Times like these are when I wish I had a Dom. I could have reached out to him and I think he would have been able to help me, or he would have sensed my struggles last evening before they had brought me to this place I was in today.
I also thank God for my writing. Without it I would probably go insane. Reading what I have written over the past twenty-four hours is like seeing my soul exposed. I’m not sure people who read what I write, really understand that about me.