I completed my assignment for this evening before bed. I set a timer for ten minutes and was able to kneel for the whole period. The first three minutes or so saying the mantra. The rest meditating with alternately saying the mantra silently or aloud.
It is difficult to stand after kneeling for ten minutes but the discomfort soon passes. The tingling also isn’t lasting as long.
Sometime during the evening the feeling of trepidation had dissipated. It is mostly gone.
I’m feeling calm and quiet right now. My handwriting seems to reflect this as well.
Time for sleep.
My morning assignment is complete.
I like the quiet of Saturday mornings. For the most part they are not interfered with the need to be anywhere on time. This morning is one of those. It started out slowly with my mind becoming only partially aware living in a mixture of dreams and reality (typing this right now just reminded me of a song “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen). My body however clenching and unclenching in need. A need only another human, preferably a man, can meet. Under the surface is a tempest waiting to be released. It feels like it has been there forever just waiting for someone who has the key to its release.
I feel contentment of a sort. I say of a sort for under the surface there resides an energy flow which I’ve not felt before. Sometimes it quietly lies beneath the surface and at other times I feel a surge like a wave flowing through a part of my body, right now it is in my arms. It isn’t unpleasant. It is just unfamiliar.
I plan to post my journal entries each morning, for the previous day and up to the current hour of my post. This will occur unless something happens that I feel I need to post a special one during the day.
There are times in my writing, journal, poetry or stories where I feel the need to share, to just put it out there in the ether. Maybe this comes from just not really having anyone to talk to. None of my friends close or far understand or really even know the writer or even the submissive Kate. Not because I don’t want to share, but because they have no desire to know. That desire for someone to know the real Kate is what drives me, what my submissive hungers for most deeply. Her hunger will never stop, will never be sated.
For those who have wondered how I could have allowed the circumstances of my story, that hunger is the ‘why’. It has consumed me at times so fiercely that I would feel the need to do anything to satisfy it. Although at the time I didn’t realize that is what was happening and only after reading one of Xajow’s posts “Project August Day 6 – The Hunger of a Dominant” did I examine my own hunger.
I’m afraid in retrospect, I’ve been a person who learned as a young child to not examine life, to not self-examine. I had no one to turn to for help in understanding the external world or my inner world and for the most part any emotions were frowned upon. So… I learned to hide them, and when they became too much, I learned to push them down so deep I either felt nothing or I could ignore them.
I learned this so well it has become natural for me to do so without thought or effort. So for the majority of my life and even now at times, I am driven by things I don’t really understand and have no inkling of where they come from. I am sure the feelings of the past couple days are part of this defense mechanism. Most times now I’m able to connect particular emotions with particular events and sometimes trace them back to a source event that helps me tie it together as to why I would feel so strongly.
What kept me off kilter the past couple of days, was not being able to do that with how I was feeling. It could just be as simple as in performing the act of kneeling, an act of submission, was connecting me back to my childhood, which today seems to be foremost in my thoughts.
My childhood was one of a controlling father, who demanded obedience without a loving hand. I cannot recall a day when he ever actually told me he loved me. I can’t recall any actual event where I did a task and he actually praised me for it. All I remember is his threat of a backhand if I should question anything, and his harsh criticism of anything I worked hard at doing for which he was never pleased.
I feel certain I was born a submissive, but I also recognize that under my father I was trained to be a submissive if however harshly. Thinking of totally submitting to another gives me feelings of trepidation and yet I crave it in a sublime way while at the same time I question my sanity.
I am unable to separate completely how I felt as a child with how just kneeling and saying the mantra has made me feel. I had expected to feel uncomfortable or even repulsed at the idea of kneeling in submission to someone. Some of you may think I knelt for no one because I have no Dom, or no one was here with me as I performed the act. That however is not true.
I accepted Xajow’s assignment willingly, which in my mind’s eye means I not only wanted to perform the assignment for myself which I very well could have done without telling him, but I also wanted to do it to please him. When I kneel I think about him and if it would please him, if anything I am doing would not please him. It is no different than a child in school wanting to please their teacher, and in a way this is how I see Xajow.