I’m not surprised, I have something I want to post tonight. This journey is after all an adventure full of snakes, pits, and beautiful waterfalls.
The internet. In some ways it is a barrier that keeps people apart. In other ways, it is liberating to those who have a difficult time expressing themselves to others face-to-face, because it allows them the appearance of safety through not being observed to say how they really feel and buffers them at times if those feelings are not reciprocated. But it can also allow deceivers to deceive.
I have run into all those situations. You would think after a while I would end up not trusting anything or anyone that comes across the internet. I work in computers. I write computer programs. I know how easily it is to do so many things good or bad. I am cautious. But I’m also tired of being afraid. I know how vulnerable I can be. I also know if I don’t try, I’ll be stuck in this loop forever. So I try. I reach out.
Every time I leave a message I feel fear. Fear that I said the wrong thing. Fear that instead of a kind word, the words will be harsh and condescending. When I see the response before I open it, my heart feels like it is going to pound a hole right through my chest and I feel a hot rush flood through my body. I can’t believe after 40 years I still respond as though it is my father I am expecting to hear in each message. I hate this! I hate not being able to enjoy just receiving a simple message from someone who has always been nothing but kind and gracious, and I so want to break this down into the dirt beneath my feet so I can tread upon it and scatter it to the winds.
I hate what that man did to me! And that man isn’t just my father but the man I last lived with who abused the love I had for him and treated me just as bad if not worse than my father. I hate what they both did, and I hate that I can’t seem to get beyond this fear. It’s funny. I see the message and fear flushes through me like a wildfire. I open the message and joy takes its place because each message I receive confirms I did not choose wrong in contacting him, in talking to him, in reaching out to him. That alone makes me want to kneel at his feet.
For the first time in a long time I feel myself well up with tears. His kindness, his sympathy, his prayer that my life will improve gives me hope. Writing this I find myself welling up again. Oh, tears don’t flow yet. I’m not to that point. Tears don’t fall easily for me. It is hard to break down walls that have been in existence for well over forty years.
I have no doubt I have a long road to travel but at least now I have hope. Where I think I had lost it at some point in the last eight or so years, because I had allowed some bastard to have power over me that I should never had agreed to. But we live and we learn. I’m learning now and I don’t want to stop learning.
I don’t ever want to step back into the dead zone I was in not too long ago.
I just had to say this before I went to perform my assignment and hopefully calm my mind again, to breathe deeply and reconnect with who I really am.