A Submissive’s Journey – 27April2014

27April2014

12:09am

I was going to write and say today was a good day, but that wouldn’t be correct. It seems I’ve passed midnight, therefore, what I should say was yesterday was a good day. I feel back to normal again. Xajow gave me some breathing tips to help with those pesky unsettling feelings he said was normal for a new sub since I was entering into familiar and yet unfamiliar territory and I’m beginning to wonder what I am getting myself into. He has that right. Reading what some of the other subs do has me wondering if I could ever do something like that. I wonder if I’ll ever balk at something my Dom would want me to do if I ever have the pleasure of having one.

I also heard from him in regards to my question about a submissive mother supporting a child who appears to be dominant and he recommended I not jump to any quick conclusions in regards to any child being dominant or submissive and just support them in learning to know who they are. I agree with this. I do not want to have any pre-conceived ideas about her and have my actions end up trying to dictate or force her into something she isn’t. It is better if she examines herself and learns what it is she needs than for someone else to try to tell her. I had that done to me as a child simply by the way I was treated, and one reason I am glad I had her so late in life is so I would hopefully be prepared to rear her differently than the way I was. It doesn’t however mean I won’t be aware of her actions and what they can tell me about her.

I do everything I can to help her understand the power she has over her own life and her own decisions. Recently though it has been about teaching her self-discipline in ensuring she takes care of the things she is responsible for. I’ve always found it difficult disciplining her. I have to step out of my comfort zone in order to do so, however it really benefits us both when I do.

Back to yesterday. I’m a creative person. Besides writing I enjoy knitting and crocheting. I’m also an artist. However, being an artist is a challenge for me. It presses upon my insecurity buttons. I never think I’m good enough, which actually spans quite a few areas and most likely goes back to my father never telling me he approved of anything I did.

I can’t tell you the thrill it gives me when I read the words “Good girl.” When Xajow types it in regards to something I did or said. I get all giddy and I know a really big silly grin comes across my face. I just can’t help it and to be honest I don’t want to change that.

I do however want to be able to feel confident in my artwork. I’m actually good at drawing with a pencil if I work at it, and I enjoy working with pastels but I haven’t done either in years.

About a month or more ago, I came across a video on youtube

(5 Hour Zentangle by Tiffany Lovering)  *no this video is not 5 hours long, thank goodness.

which was my first introduction to Zentangle. After research and some practice today I created my first two, you can see them if you follow this link. It was lots of fun and is supposed to be relaxing and put you into an almost zen like state that is if you can do it the way it is meant to be done which is no planning. Just randomly pick a tangle pattern and go with it. However, I didn’t quite let go that much, I picked the tangles but found myself meticulously deciding where I would put them on the whole piece.

What I’m getting at here is, this is artwork without having to do any planning. And no matter what you do, nothing is wrong. It is done with a pen so there is no erasing mistakes. Mistakes are permanently incorporated into the piece and as an artist you just have to accept it. This is rather difficult for me for I am a bit of a perfectionist. I tend to not want to do anything if I can’t do it perfectly, which means if I let that happen I wouldn’t get anything done. Which sometimes can be a problem, it causes me to procrastinate when I feel like I won’t be able to do a good job. A stitch out of place in my knitting will have me ripping back to the mistake and correcting it which in knitting is as it should be if the mistake is causing a flaw, but not extremely necessary if it isn’t apparent to the casual observer. The problem is I know it would be there and it would bug me.

So for me to pick up Zentangle, I had to be willing to accept my mistakes. I took this on for that very reason to try and break the block I have when it comes to my drawing or working with pastels or just expecting perfection in everything I do.

My art teacher in high school saw my potential as an artist and he encouraged me every chance he got. I’ll always appreciate him for that. ( Here is something I wrote that contains some of my experience in his art instruction *warning it may contain some sensual visualization*) But even so, his encouragement wasn’t enough for me to continue my artwork on my own and I’ve spent too many years ignoring the call to pick up my pencil and draw. So, today was my venturing out of my comfort zone day and allowing myself to draw and even make mistakes. It actually was enjoyable. And yes I did make mistakes. I’m learning to accept them, but if you look closely at my work, I’m not sure many would find them.

Well it is late here and time for rest. I’ll add my comments in a few minutes once I’ve performed my assignment. I can’t forget that or I won’t be a ‘good girl’. Ha! I do love the sound of that. I guess a girl never gets too old to hear it.

1:30am

I can be a bit of a night owl all those years working midnight shift.

I completed my assignment for tonight, 15 minutes kneeling. Whoohoo! Tingly legs from the knees down and some discomfort when trying to stand but not bad.

I meditated on my day speaking or should I say messenging Xajow and finding the answers to his question about the obscure cultural text said it made him smile. I was so happy it did. Telling me ‘good girl’ made me smile and feel giddy. It is just a small example of how being submissive, wanting to please him and doing so makes me so happy.

As you can see there is a big gap in time from the first entry until I wrote down about my assignment. That is because it takes me time to write my entries, then edit them. Again the perfectionist in me. I can’t write something and then just send it as it is without editing and sometimes it takes several editing trips to be happy with the final copy. But even then sometimes if I go back days later to read it I can still find things I missed. Dang it. (yes those pesky mistakes drive me crazy, but I’m getting better at it not bothering me)

8:10am

I just completed my morning assignment. I feel wonderfully strong and happy.

I’ve actually been awake for a while, sitting in my bed, writing of course, putting down in words the beginning of my life. I have known for a long time, I would write about it (my life) but at no time in the past did it feel right to do so. Now, however, it does feel right. Maybe finally embracing who I am, especially the submissive part of me, gives me the strength to finally do so.

I’ll be a bit later in posting this than I really wanted to be for the perfectionist in me will reread everything several times, editing and adding text that comes to mind that I missed as I was writing. One of the reasons writing by hand was so frustrating was because my thoughts go too fast and my hand can’t keep up. Sometimes even typing on the computer my hands aren’t fast enough but they are pretty close to being so. So I’m off to editing now and then posting. I’ll post the beginning of my story later on today and I’ll add a link here if you care to read it.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
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4 Responses to A Submissive’s Journey – 27April2014

  1. Xajow says:

    You are spelling it the way I pronounce it, but Xajow is not spelled with a Z. You don’t have to show this comment. I just ask you correct the spelling.

    • Kate Spyder says:

      So sorry, Sir. I will be more careful. I’ve caught myself doing that several times before so I’ll check my other posts to make sure I didn’t do it there too. Thank you Sir for pointing out my mistake so I could correct them. I don’t mind posting your comment, Sir.

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