Thank god I was on the progesterone replacement or things could have been so much worse. When I was in the midst of an anxiety attack, I couldn’t think straight. My fears bubbled up and consumed me. All I could think about were those fears. After the anxiety was gone I was always baffled by what caused them to come on because the fears I had were always there, they were just hovering in the background helping me to make decisions for me and my daughter that would ensure we were both taken care of.
Once I found out they were hormone related, I breathed a great sigh of relief. I could so clearly see how women if they were not aware of how hormones being out of balance could cause fear, anxiety and panic to the state I was in or worse, I could well imagine it being worse and women doing all kinds of things during their attacks to try and alleviate the fear or do things they thought would protect themselves or people they cared about when in fact all they were doing was hurting them. It is scary to think that maybe some of the women I hear about who suddenly out of the blue killed there kids or spouse could all be due to hormones being out of wack.
The testing my naturopath had me do also pointed out the rest of my hormones were also depleted. I did my own research and discovered that hypothyroidism is one of the first indications of a woman’s hormones becoming out of balance and depleting with age. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in my mid-thirties. When I asked my doctor what caused it he said they didn’t know that just some people had to be put on thyroid medicine for the rest of their lives. My hormones were most likely on the decline since then or even before then.
Over the next couple of years I worked with my naturopath, adding in the other hormones I needed with bioidentical hormones. When we added testosterone is when I realized my libido had for all intents and purposes, been dead since the departure of the pretender. Testosterone sent my libido into overdrive and the only outlet I had was masturbation.
Until I started Sub Assignment 4, my libido had been quite out of control. I have a male friend who over the years has become comfortable enough with me to talk to me about the male sex drive and how it feels to him and he has spoken to me about how he felt as a teen and young adult and how now in his fifties he finally feels like his brain is in control. He told me how as a teenager how often he thought about sex. I don’t know if girls feel that way too as a teenager because I never did and I have never spoken to other women about it. All I know is what he described was how I was now feeling.
I considered asking my naturopath to lower the dosage but I’m pretty sure she has me on a low dose as it is. Besides I was finally feeling something other than nothing at all. I was also enjoying the enjoyment of masturbation even if I was driven to it two or three times a day and occasionally four times. When my libido was what I considered normal, masturbating once would usually be enough and get me by for several days. So this frequency was new to me and not unwelcome.
I just hadn’t expected Sub Assignment 4 to have such an impact that it would actually bring a balance into my libido. Oh I want sex, don’t get me wrong. I still masturbate and could probably do so with the same frequency but I no longer have that “I’ve got to have it NOW”, regardless of whatever was going on at the time.
I feel for the first time I am now back in control of my body. And for the first time, I’m actually interested in doing whatever it takes to put myself back on track and open myself up to accepting a dominant man in my life. After the pretender left I had no desire to be with another man other than to see him as someone to relieve the stress I was under. I’m glad that is no longer the case. I desire a dominant man, simply because that is what I need in order to feel whole, to feel complete, for only a dominant man can answer the needs of the submissive inside of me. She has been too long ignored and I won’t have that any more.
This is pretty much the end of “The Aftermath”. “The Beginning”, and “It’s time to tell this part of my story…” and now “The Aftermath” completes my life up until when I began my “A Submissive’s Journey” journal.
Writing down my story has helped me to put things in perspective and see so clearly how my submissive was trying to talk to me. I can’t explain how finally listening and taking the steps towards freeing her has liberated me, has finally brought me home, and has finally made me feel whole.
I know my life will only get better moving forward. I know when I’m ready a dominant man will come into my life and I’m looking forward to the day that will happen. So, I leave this story here to be picked up in my journal. If anyone reading this feels the need to contact me, I can be contacted right here from my blog using My Contact page. See you in my journal…