I realized I posted my last way too soon. One thing I’m coming to realize is when emotions, my emotions come to the forefront, I have difficulty in recognizing them, then understanding them, and then finally knowing what they are telling me. I question now, whether the feelings I feel are there because I’m manipulating myself or others into doing what I think I want overshadowing what I really need. It is difficult to admit this even to myself.
I want to help but is it really to help them or just to make me feel better, to give me that feeling that I have done something that makes me feel joy and at peace? Then I have to ask myself is it really all that bad to want to do something that brings me so much joy? Is that really using someone else, when that person benefits as well? I guess it isn’t unless I’m doing it to manipulate the other person into accepting what I want when it isn’t what they want, in order to chase this loneliness away. And that is the rub, trying to figure that out. Or is it just an infinity loop that is forever playing out?
As a submissive, I desire to serve. That desire is based solely in satisfying the needs of the submissive. Kneeling or simply waiting for a Dom to make known his need and desires can be and is the hardest thing I can imagine myself doing and yet in performing Sub Assignment 4, I found no difficulty in the quiet solitude of the act itself. But then, I was not waiting patiently in service to a Dom, so again, how could I possibly know if I can truly give myself in submission and service?
Driving around town yesterday afternoon, running errands, I have found myself, not only being aware of the clothing I wear, applying minimal makeup instead of none at all, and how I carry myself but I found myself being aware of other men. Where I once knew none looked at me, I now felt two men become aware of my presence and their eyes follow me and a third later as I stood in line. The thought that any one of them could be a dominant had my slut preening inside while outside I remained calm and respectful of everyone I came in contact with.
How do I know if I could serve? All it took was one drive and one stroll through a store to remind me of who I am. I am a submissive. She lives to serve. I serve with strength and grace. This is my strength. When I deny it. I deny myself.
Reading someone else’s blog was important for me to face my doubts and also to recognize that once I accept Sub Assignment 1, I must do it for me, for what it will help me understand about me and I must approach it with who I am and not some fluffed up version because someone else appeared to do the assignment better. I didn’t realize until that moment how competitive I could be, but this isn’t a competition. This is a personal journey for me. I rejoiced in her creativity, and yes I was envious of her ability to make the assignment into something so uniquely hers and wished I could do the same. What I failed to realize is as long as I am true to myself, I will do the assignment in my own unique way and what will be right for me.
Now, it is past time for my morning ritual, waking as I did with these thoughts bantering around in my head, the writing of them has brought me much clarity before my day has actually begun. I look forward to what the rest of my day will bring.