I only performed the ritual for ten minutes tonight, because I felt it more important to write down my thoughts.
Today my thoughts were completely on someone else. Not on me at all.
Not until I read someone else’s post about Sub Assignment 1. When I read her post, I felt like a fraud. Other than when I was a kid and forced to do chores or the time I served in the military, I’ve never served anyone. Even those cases I mentioned I never felt as if I was of service to anyone except myself. Yes, I want a dominant man but can I serve him? I honestly don’t know. And that both saddens me and scares me. Meditating tonight during my kneeling I asked myself what would I do in order to have a dominant man ask me to be his submissive? and the answer was: anything. I would do anything to have the kind of D/s relationship Xajow writes about on Liberate One. The problem is I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. And still I feel like a fraud.
I thought of only one person yesterday and it wasn’t me. I could do nothing. Nothing at all to serve him.
These are the thoughts I woke up with a few moments ago. I feel sad and alone. It is hard knowing someone you care about is suffering and you can’t do anything for that person especially after they have done so much for me. I used rather harsh words against myself last night. I realize this morning that I may not have been of service in the same way the other blogger was, but the type of service I have is of no less importance. I have been of service to people’s emotional needs, which from my perspective is much harder to see or at least for me to recognize. I can be around others and feel what is bubbling beneath their surface and I’ve also found that all it takes is a connection with someone, and they don’t have to be near at all. When the emotions are strong, it is very difficult for me to walk away even when the person denies there is anything wrong. It is just plain hard to feel and watch but sometimes that is the best service I can give them, at least until they are ready and give just a small indication that they seek sympathetic or understanding company. Sometimes they just want to be quiet and allow their emotions to have their say in order to finally find a way to let them grow quiet and saunter away. Yesterday, I felt completely helpless… and then a fraud… or maybe just a fool.