It has been one of those oddly quiet days, and I don’t even know why it seemed odd.
It is past midnight again. I was trying to format a poem the way I wanted before posting but no luck. I guess I need to brush up on my HTML language skills but that just isn’t happening tonight, so I posted the poem in a format I really wasn’t pleased with.
I performed my ritual for twenty minutes tonight. Only the last few minutes were difficult as my feet grew quite numb. I was able to hold out until the last minute before looking at the timer to see how much longer and of course I felt like kicking myself when I saw there was only one minute left. My feet were red after finally being able to unbend from my kneeling position. It was painful standing up and I had to do it quite slowly.
I’ve been sleeping nude lately. I started a few nights ago after performing the assignment, I just found myself naturally crawling into bed without retrieving the t-shirt I normally wear. When I realized what I was doing, I just shrugged and stayed where I was and slept in the nude.
This morning I woke again before my alarm, this seems to be becoming a habit. I don’t mind though, I like the quiet of the morning and having time to put my thoughts down. I performed my ritual this morning while my mind was still in a fog of sleep. I’m still not totally awake sometimes it seems to take forever for my brain or is it my body to wake up. It is okay this time, for I finally feel like I slept through the night instead of waking as if I were talking in mid-sentence.
I have been very neglectful of some things in my life. I’m not proud of it. I do have to say that in Montreal I did try to get back on track but situations as they were there pretty much made it next to impossible. With me already stressed to the max, I just wasn’t up for adding more so I allowed things to slip. Here though I made a not so hap-hazard attempt, I allowed excuse after excuse to get in my way. It is interesting how this change in my path is making me re-evaluate those things which I have neglected. I took a step last week which is now taking me down a path to remedy that but leaves trepidation fluttering silently within me. This step scares me for there is an unknown that could change my life forever and have me making some really hard choices or no choice at all. Writing about it here however vague makes me feel like I should just erase this entry and pretend this isn’t something that scares me.
I know we should all look at our fears in order to understand them and change them or learning about them can hopefully make them not so scary but this one is tangible. It has substance and the only way it will go away is by just doing what needs to be done to at least find out how much or how little there is to be fearful of. Right now, my fear is of the unknown but a very real unknown, in a few weeks that could change into a fear of the known or it could end up being nothing to fear at all. So for now, this is where I am. I know I must do this. This isn’t something I would be proud of for any potential Dom of mine to discover.