The hardest thing for me to deal with lately is my weight. My daughter says at least I’m not obese, and though I’m not, I weigh more than I like. I try to do things like walking but I let things get in the way. It is a beautiful day today, a great one for a walk outside, and yet I sit here typing away because I don’t like walking alone. I have a year membership to the local version of the YMCA, I purchased it with good intention of utilizing it for making improvements. I did begin. I did go. And within a couple weeks I found myself in so much pain I found it difficult to move. I’m not sure if the pain was the result of pushing too hard or a result of something else. I knew it would be hard. I knew there would be obstacles. It just gets frustrating every time I try, I find these things getting in the way.
I’m going to do it again, hopefully this time it will be different. I’ll walk, increasing slowly, going to the gym when weather doesn’t suit. But I know I do better when I have a strong hand, guiding me, supporting me, pushing me when I need it. I know because I had it once and returned to the weight which makes me feel sexy, and desirable. I have pictures of me then, though parts of that world was seeped in darkness, I look at those pictures and I see someone happy. Someone seeped in joy and I wonder where she went to or why she went away. It is difficult to look at myself now and see her. I caught a glimpse of her the other day on a day where I felt submerged in my joy. I want her around full time, not just a peek once in a while. I’ll try, I just wish I had a strong guiding hand. I can’t explain how that helps me, I just know it does.
I guess today I feel the need to confess, to no longer hide those things that I’m not proud of. Which I have always found difficult to change.
Do you know what it is like to search your whole life for that elusive piece of knowledge that will suddenly shed light upon everything that had ever felt wrong in your life? To search for what seems like forever to no avail, and have your spirit slowly die because it has gradually come to the understanding that the knowledge will never be found? If not, then you have no idea where I am at today. When I say I am so grateful for what these past couple of weeks has brought to me. To finally have that connection with knowledge which speaks to my heart and soul. Knowledge that has finally helped me to make the connection I had been seeking my whole life. Oh, it brings with it ups and downs, doubts and illumination, sadness and joy, anger and elation. Regardless of the negatives, the positives have far exceeded any expectations I could have possibly had.
Oh, I still wonder where all of this will take me. Thinking about my past, I have to stop myself from wishing I had learned all this a hundred years ago, and maybe I had and had just forgotten it. I try not to be negative, which to be honest, was so very easy in the past to wallow in all the negative thoughts cavorting around in my head, like some demented ballet. I find myself surprised how just one piece of knowledge has shoved most of the negativity away and now allows my positive thoughts to dance their macabre dance.
I have a long road ahead of me, now if I could just find my dancing shoes, I’d ask the rest of you to dance down that road with me.