A Submissive’s Journey – 3May2014 8:55am to 8:14pm

8:55am

It is interesting to watch my daughter’s face, especially when I tell her she will need to earn a privilege she has asked for. I told her if she really wants that privilege then she will need to do better on taking care of her responsibilities. At the moment she asked, she still had not emptied the dishwasher of the clean dishes or throw the cartons away in the trash which she had emptied. Upon exiting my shower, I could hear her dutifully performing her responsibilities. Now if she would just be consistent with them throughout the week without a reminder from me.

7:14pm

We took our day trip, unfortunately it was raining so Mount Baker was nowhere in sight. However, days of rain around here are also full of beauty. Sometime back, I read a book titled “The Mists of Avalon”, since moving here, this place reminds me of a description I read in the book. Rainy cloudy days here bring in clouds that hang down low in the sky around the midway point of the mountains, creating an effect of mountains and forests shrouded in mist. One day I would love to go for a hike in the forest when it is so shrouded in mist. The vibrancy of the green here when you enter the forests is amazing, you can kind of see it in the pictures I posted here.

I have always loved foggy days, and rainy stormy days, even snowy days especially the kind that look like someone covered everything in a blanket of puffy cotton. There is just something about me and water, no matter what form the water is in, it just seems to call to me. I could stand forever in a hot shower. I sometimes think I grew up in the water. I learned to swim really young watching my older brothers and emulating them. I really had no need for swim lessons because I already knew how to swim just not freestyle which is what the local pool required for anyone who wanted to swim in the deep end, they had to swim freestyle across the width of the pool.

So when I was barely able to stand in four foot of water, my mother took me to Red Cross swimming lessons. Because I had no swimming lessons they started me at beginners, by the time the lessons were over I had gone through beginners, intermediate and advanced in the time it took for most to only graduate one level. Those I started out with in the beginners class had to come back for the intermediate class when I had completed all three classes.

The next time we were at the pool, I asked the lifeguard if I could swim in the deep end. He permitted me to after I swam the width of the pool freestyle. To be honest, without the lessons I could have swam the width of the pool underwater with just the breath I started with but that wasn’t the rules and he knew it. And they stuck to the rules.

Where I was going with this was as a kid I would dream of being able to breathe under water. Sometimes it was so real I would think I could actually do it though I never physically tried. It didn’t stop me from wishing I could. Think of the freedom, to be able to breathe on land and also in water. I would have loved to have been able to explore the oceans without having to worry about wearing a breathing apparatus.

But wow I got sidetracked. The trip took a little longer than expected, the appointment I had was running behind but we sat and visited with others who were also waiting. Then we had lunch and did some much needed clothes shopping for us both.

This is the beginning of working on adding items to my wardrobe that will help express myself outwardly improving my appearance from that which I had neglected. I used to pride myself on how I looked, however after my last relationship, I had no concern about how others perceived me and I just sought comfort in what I wore. So today, I added one outfit to begin this part of my journey.

On the drive home, my daughter and I played a game. The car tags here in BC mostly contain three numbers and three alpha characters. We would call out the alpha characters and come up with words that started with the letters to make a phrase and hopefully it would be fun and silly. For instance, NNF became No Nightly Farts, RXT became Red Xylophones Talk, RAR became Raspberries Are Rank or Raspberries Are Red, PJH became Pajamas Jump High… I think you get the point. It was a challenge to see what we would each come up with. And in between we would sing along with the songs we had playing through the car sound system which were on my phone, a couple of them Christmas songs, so we got kind of silly. We have fun when we take our day trips, sometimes we would make up songs on the spot about something we just saw.

Now, here I am at home, the lights all out, typing this by candle light, well yes and some light from my laptop screen. We lost electricity while I was in the midst of writing this. Another thing my daughter fears is darkness from electricity failures and fire. I believe the darkness is just because of the unknown. Her fear of fire, I am very positive came from her experience in Montreal schools.

The English school she attended was a French Immersion school so they talked to the kids as much as possible in French while supporting it in English when they needed more clarification. She came home terrified one day telling me she had been afraid the school had been on fire. It turned out it was just a fire drill and the teacher had not explained it well enough for her to understand there really wasn’t a fire and that they were just practicing getting out of the school in case there ever was a fire. This was in kindergarten. After this incident, she started having dreams of our home catching fire or the school catching fire and each fire drill left her worried and anxious.

It was very difficult to ease her fears for which I have not been able to do completely. In some ways it is good she has fear of fire so she will be careful any time she is around it and I teach her how to be careful when lighting candles, how to look at what is around them to ensure they are not too close to something that will catch fire. At least it seems she has stopped having the nightmares and with our gas fireplace here she has become accustomed to having a fire in the enclosed fireplace.

I love the quiet that an electrical outage brings. No humming of electronics or large appliances. The only thing missing right now is the sound of the crickets. Oh wait, that’s if we were outside. The only thing missing is the sound of my dominant… hmmm… that wouldn’t be appropriate with my daughter in the same room… ah well, the quiet is nice.

I think I’ll go work on a poem I started at the restaurant today. I’ll be back later.

8:14pm

Okay, I was gone only a couple minutes, that dang poem is creating all kinds of thoughts, I’m trying to work out. I keep thinking how as a child I hated the tasks my father assigned me. I disliked doing them immensely. When finished I would watch him inspect what I had done which usually ended up with me doing it again. It was frustrating as hell because I would try really hard to do something perfectly the way he wanted it, to only have him come behind me and not be happy until he found something I missed or didn’t get just right.

Accepting the Assignments Xajow created and posted on Liberate One, I half expected to bulk at and hate doing. This however is not what happened. Which quite frankly baffled me but no longer does. Xajow, even if you do something he doesn’t approve of he is respectful and reassuring, for instance in one of my journal entries I spelled his name wrong throughout. How he approached it was soothing to my soul, although, yes I felt bad for having spelled his name wrong and possibly causing him disappointment, which makes me want to be more careful about spelling his name correctly, his attitude showed me very clearly the difference between how I was treated as a child with how Xajow treats me as a submissive in the completion of tasks. And why now, I find myself wanting, really wanting to take on an assignment, not only for my personal growth but to also show him I want this, and that I do thrive on what these tasks bring to me and yes to please him. It has helped me see everything I do so very differently.

All the things I do now, are peppered with thoughts of whether what I am doing would please him or displease him. I sometimes think I shouldn’t be placing him in this position. Then I think if I don’t then I’ll never know if I’m really willing to be submissive to someone. Maybe I’m not being fair to him.

I need to get back to my assignment, this was only supposed to be a short break, which has turned into a break lasting several hours due to the electrical outage, which by the way has been over for about an hour now. So back I go to the assignment and actually physically writing instead of typing.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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