Twenty minutes without looking at the timer! Yeah. Tingly legs and yes still painful to stand but it is a reminder of why I am doing this. I feel alive, and happy.
I was told today by someone that they would not have thought I was new to being submissive because of how respectful I am. I am new to it but yet I am not. I served in the military, they don’t call it serving for nothing. We are trained to be respectful and to follow orders, or rather to obey. That was not why I left. I have not forgotten what I was trained to do. I thrived in that environment. I left because I no longer could serve something I no longer believed in, when I could no longer trust them was when I left. I had entered the military with an altruistic attitude of wanting to serve my country. When I left that had all been destroyed.
I told this person, I had spent four years in the military which most likely accounts for my ability to be respectful at this stage of learning about being submissive. On top of that, this person deserves my unwavering respect. It isn’t difficult to show respect when someone deserves it.
When I first discovered the world of BDSM it fascinated me because in everything I read it was all about how the woman places all her trust in the man. She has to trust he will know when to stop or she must trust he will stop when she uses her safe word. I knew trust of this kind requires deeper feelings or even a deeper relationship than I had experienced but carried with it the depth, or supposedly so, of what I had been searching for. And yet, there was something about it that didn’t ring true.
Many years later, I finally opened my eyes to having been a submissive that had put on the masque of a dominant. This did nothing but cloud my perspective and leave me wandering around in confusion. When I finally removed the masque was when I started learning about 24×7 D/s relationships and how they differed from BDSM as I knew it. I cannot express what this means to me, other than to say this:
It is almost akin to someone who sensed there was a God, felt God in everything while everyone and everything told that person every day there was no God. Then once the person finally begins to believe it, God steps out from behind a rock and says, “Here I am.”
Imagine the shock this person would have. The emotions that would go rioting around inside them. Elated that finally here was proof of what they had believed their whole life, and yet because it was God, that person could not prove it to another. Only God would know. Whether he understood, that was another question. Well, that is the question. God being all knowing, you would think would know or understand but since we cannot really comprehend the immenseness of God it is really difficult to know if He understands how we as humans feel when confronted by God, or the immense realization and finally the proof, that something inside of us knew something, believed in something all along without ever seeing it.
There are two things in life I always knew no matter what other’s told me. First, that there is a God, and second, that people could form a much deeper, meaningful relationship that was vastly far more satisfying than anything I had yet to witness and this is what I sought. In my mind, this relationship was built on respect and the desire for each person in that relationship to grow, heal, become better while exploring and knowing the depth of each other.
BDSM in some ways turns me off, because of the games, the role playing, and in some cases the false dignity of purpose. In, my opinion, BDSM is a tool for two (or more) people to decide to utilize if they choose in helping each other to grow, heal and become a better person. I could not use it for any other reason. I know for me, pain can be stimulating. However, I can see how clearly using BDSM to inflict pain upon me could just make me insensitive towards it and require more and more pain to create the same level of stimulation. I don’t want to seek pain just for pain’s sake. I want to seek it to understand what that pain means to me and why it would stimulate me as it does, what does it tell me about me?
This is what I also want to learn about being submissive. I’m not sure I can do that alone. I will however take up another assignment starting this evening once I return from a little trip I need to make today. I have decided upon Sub Assignment 1. It is a writing assignment which I look forward to performing to see what it teaches me about me. I have no doubt what little preconceived ideas I may already be forming in my logical brain will never come close to what I actually experience. I’ve been sort of biting at the chance to begin this assignment however I didn’t wish to do so when I had so many commitments demanding my attention. Upon my return, my weekend shall provide me the time to perform this task and absorb it as I should.
I performed my morning ritual. Then sat down to transfer my handwritten journal into my online journal before the rest of my day demands my attention. It is a rainy quiet morning, this morning which I find beautiful. I hope yours is just as beautiful if not more.