Interesting, almost twenty-four hours ago, I stated I didn’t think it would get better and tonight’s twenty minutes felt much better, the discomfort at the end was gone. I was actually surprised when the timer went off, that the twenty minutes were up. Standing was easier though still painful and of course the tingling is still there.
I woke and performed my morning ritual.
As usual, one of the first things I do is check my email and wordpress and send out short replies if anyone sent me messages, leaving anything I need to write that I would expect to be long, to wait for later.
Last night before kneeling, I felt myself hesitate. Hesitate because I wasn’t sure if I was pushing too hard too soon, the discomfort and pain I have felt at the end of twenty minutes was becoming discouraging, but I knew I needed to push myself. I had almost cut back my time last night before kneeling… almost… which means I didn’t. I knelt for the twenty minutes and was glad I did for I was rewarded with the understanding that if I persist, I will grow in this and the pain and discomfort is just a sign of that growth if I persevere. My body becomes chilled during the twenty minutes of kneeling but soon warms upon sliding between the sheets of my bed. Last night I was comforted by the knowledge of improvement allowing my imagination to conjure a pair of warm comforting arms.
There is another sub assignment I want to accept which requires kneeling more often and possibly longer periods, although if I add ten minutes onto my morning ritual I would have the daily requirements almost covered until the last couple days. Those are the days I know which will push me for which I want to be prepared. I also need to practice the different kneeling postures to determine which one I want to choose. Last night’s change indicates I’ll be successful at performing the assignment which means I may choose a couple of the bonus options as well. Reviewing them, I found it interesting my response to a couple of them, one in particular I felt a negative response to, and for that one I think I should probably make sure I do it in order to understand why.
Saturday, on our day trip, along with the outfit I purchased, I purchased a white shirt to use for the other sub assignment. This one I’ll probably do next while I evaluate the kneeling positions.
This morning, my thoughts are on a friend of mine. It has been a long time since I’ve spoken with her. I tried calling her yesterday but as usual I keep missing her. She is a very busy person. She takes care of many people in her life, often ignoring her own needs. She can call me but the phone service she has would cost her a great deal of money so I call her since I can call into the states and have it not increase my bill. We’ve been friends a long time. I keep thinking I would hope she would understand my choice in embracing my submissive however I’m not sure she would.
When we met she was involved with a man, I later found out was physically abusing her. This was the third man in her life to do so. But to be honest, when things escalated and I opened my home to her, she stayed one or two nights and let him talk her into coming back. I hated how that made me feel, but most of all I couldn’t understand why she would go back. (One time she told me, she couldn’t bear to be alone. That being alone terrifies her. I don’t know what that feels like.) I got angry and told her not to call me if he should kill her. I hoped she knew I was just angry and felt helpless as to what to do to help her and I was afraid for her. He had done some pretty violent things to her.
When she did finally leave, she did so systematically by taking small steps in building a new future for herself. I commend her for that. She moved out and was on her own for a while. During that time, the man had tried to convince her to come back, one time even calling me to get my help. I’m not meek in situations like this. This wasn’t the first time I’ve confronted someone (in person or on the phone) who was abusive with someone I knew. For someone who sometimes has problems saying how she feels, in times like these, I would feel strong, having no problem voicing my opinion of how despicable they acted and that I did not believe their lies. She never went back thank God, then later after she was on her own, she moved in with another woman. They have been together ever since. She won’t have anything to do with men again.
I know from indirect comments she has said to me, through the relationships I’ve had which she has seen tear me apart, that she thinks I give too much. If I told her what I was learning and embracing, I am sure she would not understand. I am sure she would look at it as me giving up everything and not learning from my past. So this part of my life I keep secret from my very best friend. Maybe someday I’ll tell her about it, just not right now.