I accepted Sub Assignment Number 3. Writing “I am a strong and graceful submissive.” On the t-shirt (actually a tank top), was an interesting exercise, using a permanent black marker. I will be smelling it all day, I’m sure. The smell will remind me constantly what is written on the shirt. I used a drawing board to stretch the material out for writing on it. When I finished I saw portions of the lettering had bled through to the board. I know what it says but others looking at the board would not see the words.
Once I completed the writing, I put the shirt on and accepted the assignment. Tomorrow or late tonight I’ll write my thoughts out.
I only have a couple hours left to the assignment, unless I want to wear the shirt longer. I’m sure I’ll wear it at least until I go to bed, maybe even during my ritual too.
I’m really not having the experience I expected, but then that isn’t anything new. Each assignment has shown me something different and this one is no different.
I used a permanent black marker to write the words on the shirt and for most of the day I could smell it. This was a constant reminder of what I was wearing and why. Most of the day I was inside working, while the evening was running a couple errands, and taking my daughter to her karate class and then we grabbed something to eat since her class didn’t end until 7pm.
I also took a twenty-five minute walk while my daughter was at her karate class. While I walked, I found myself repeating in my head the phrase that I had written on the shirt. It did help keep me focused on my walking. However, the whole day I was in a kind of melancholy mood. Which brought me to writing the poem “Today’s Feelings…”.
I know I shouldn’t be in a hurry for things to progress but I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life avoiding this that I feel like I want to just devour everything and take that giant leap forward. Where I once saw no light at the end of the tunnel I am now seeing it sparkle and shine, taunting me to rush forward and grab what I can and it is hard not to do so. I’m usually a very patient person but in this I find my patience is very thin, or maybe I’ve been so patient my whole life I feel I shouldn’t have to be any more. But no, what I really want is for things to build as they need to so there can be no doubt as to what is right for me.
Wearing the shirt has made me think much about the future and whether I really want this 24×7. The melancholy I have isn’t because I doubt it. It isn’t because I fear it. It is because it feels as though it is still so far away, and possibly still out of reach. To think that I could finally find what I was looking for, to understand what it is I really need and to think it is possible I may never find that dominant man who would recognize my submissive, just makes me sad and yes melancholy.
I doubt I will have much more to say about this assignment in two hours since I’m home for the evening, but if I do I’ll add it later.
Actually I do have something to say, I just read brightdove’s post which reminded me of my walk today. Just as she is seeing lilacs blooming everywhere, so did I today. Lilacs take me back to when I was a kid, and teenager. My mother grew them. I loved smelling them. My mother would sometimes cut them and put them in a vase in the house, and you could smell them as soon as you walked in the door.
When my parents were still together, my grandfather had come to live with us for a while. When he moved in, he took over my bedroom and I moved into the bedroom with my brothers until my father built a second floor on our house. When he finished it, I had my own bedroom and my mother let me pick the colors and curtains. I picked lavender for my walls and the curtains were mostly white with purple flowers, and my bedspread matched the curtains. It was feminine. Probably the first thing I had ever done that was feminine. I was such a tomboy, even wearing my brother’s hand-me-down jeans instead of dresses, at least until I got older. Anyway, whenever I see lilacs they remind me of my room and the lilacs my mother grew. We had flowers everywhere. I would wake up in the mornings and go outside by our carport, and lie down in the sun and watch this single tulip we had growing under an evergreen bush at the corner of the carport entrance. I would lie there and watch it open in the morning sunlight. We had roses and iris, tiger lilies which attracted butterflies, marigolds, and so many other flowers I can’t recall them all.
These are my good memories. *sigh*
Unfortunately, I’m in a cuddling mood, with no one to cuddle. I wonder what a dominant would do in this situation.
I have gone past the twelve hours required to complete Sub Assignment Number 3, though I still wear the shirt. It will be complete once I leave my comment, which I will do in the morning.
It seems all this melancholy I’m feeling is coming out in poetry. I’ve written three tonight that seem to have a sort of progression to them.
I’ll be trying out a new kneeling position tonight, one of the harder ones in the Sub Assignment 2.
I tried the kneeling position number 3 with hands behind back, knees shoulder width apart, back straight and head on floor. This one as I expected was tough and is a little hard on my neck. I was able to hold it about five minutes. If I intend to use this one I’ll need to work up to it and see if I can alleviate the stress on my neck somehow. Otherwise, this position would not be suitable for me for health reasons. I will try another of the positions in the morning.
I tried #1 of the kneeling positions, probably the easiest of the three, for my morning ritual. Tonight I will try the second of the three.
I left my comment on Sub Assignment Number 3. I’m still feeling as I was yesterday. I may be able to explain it, if it is what I think it is, then I’m not sure what to do about it. These assignments…, the feelings they invoke, make me desire this more than ever… knowing there is only one assignment left, I don’t want them to end. This last one will be the hardest of them all. If I just do the assignment with none of the bonus items, I know I could do it using kneeling position number 1. Number 3 after what I experienced last night will have to be crossed off my list. I can do it for a short period but due to the stress on my neck I would not be able to do it for the longer period.
So, those reading will understand, I’m under the care of a chiropractor for a neck injury. This injury was discovered when I was living in Montreal when lower back pain flared up which I’ve experienced off and on since I was a teenager. I know of no accident to have caused the injury. It could have occurred when I was one and half years old when I developed a fever and refused to walk, after having been walking since I was nine months old. No doctors could find a reason for the fever and after the doctor’s gave up, my mother finally took me to a chiropractor. After one adjustment my week long fever went away.
My mother never mentioned any incident preceding my fever so there could have been a fall or being shaken or something that could have caused the injury. As a child, my parents took us about once a year to the chiropractor until my parents divorced, which could explain why I had no lower back pain until a year or so after their divorce.
Then in my early twenties when dating a man who had a ranch, I was kicked by a horse. I flew about three feet and landed on my rump. Any one of these, could explain the neck injury.
You might be wondering why I would talk about lower back pain when it is my neck that is injured. As my Montreal chiropractor explained it, a neck injury untreated will cause the spine to torque, causing the rest of the spine to become misaligned. Mine manifests into lower back pain, sometimes pain between my shoulder blades which can knock me to my knees. As long as I keep my neck aligned properly, then the rest of my spine stays in alignment and healthy. Stress upon my neck can easily cause my neck to become misaligned.
I see my chiropractor about every three or four weeks for an adjustment if necessary. Other than the position I tried last night, everything I have been doing has been helping my stress levels as well as my posture, which is all good in my overall health as well as the alignment of my neck. Stress can also cause problems with my neck since most of any stress I feel centers in my shoulders, and extreme stress not only centers in my shoulders but also in my digestive system. So keeping stress levels low or learning ways to mitigate stress is very helpful, which the sub assignments have been doing.
It is time to post this and begin my day.