I just returned from a twenty minute walk. The sun was out with a slight breeze, just enough to keep me cool but not cold on my walk. I love the spring here. One day everything is brown and sleeping still from winter, and the next day suddenly everything is turning green and flowers start to poke their heads out of the ground. My favorites this time of year are tulips, a close second are crocus. My neighbor had a garden that would just come alive with the crocus and turn the flowerbed purple.
In case you didn’t realize it purple is my favorite color. A lavender bedroom as a child should have been a clue if you read my previous journal entry. I found out later that lavender is a soothing color and one of the best for having in a bedroom. I didn’t know that as a child. I picked what spoke to me and lavender said to pick it, so I did. I loved that bedroom, when things weren’t so good in other areas of the house I could always go to my room and grab a book to read, then forget about the world around me.
I had planned on changing the route of my walk today, however, I decided in light of my past experiences with exercising, including walking, I decided to keep to the same route for a while. I tend to push myself too hard too fast and I think I sabotage myself, so I’m going to take things slow. The main thing is I have started and that is a good thing.
There has been a surprising turn of events this evening. At the point of completing my previous entry, someone offered to help guide me on my journey. I do not have the words to adequately express how this offer made me feel. I literally wanted to jump for joy while somewhere in the background I found fear waiting. I am both thrilled and a bit scared. This will challenge me in ways I have yet to really understand.
As much as I want this, as much as I’m willing, I have doubts. Those doubts however are not so much about being submissive as they are about whether I can push through the walls which I have built since I was a child. I wonder whether I will try to run the first time something presses an unexpected trigger that brings back things, like feelings I have hidden so deep I don’t even know they exist right now. I won’t deceive myself into believing this won’t happen. It will. I have no doubt about it. What I doubt is my ability to withstand whatever it is I will need to face. Or can I allow myself to be vulnerable when they do? I’ve spent a lifetime learning to be stoic like the rest of my family even extended family. My own daughter said one day that I never cry. She has probably only seen me cry one time and that time was because of how her father was hurting her. I get vicious when someone causes my daughter pain, especially his selfish acts. So being vulnerable is something I’m not good at letting others see. From all that I have read, that is where a Dominant’s strength steps in. I know only experience is going to show me that I can trust him and me, enough to allow him to see all the different parts of me.
I’ve gotten so used to having things (important things) denied me that I really need, this came as rather a shock. Behind all the overwhelming feelings, I could hear quietly in the background, “It’s really happening. This that I want and desire, is really happening.” I know he is a guide but this is what I need. What I really need to move deeper into embracing my submissive.
My emotions were so all over the place the past couple days, so fearful that once the assignments Xajow had posted were completed that I would stagnate and not find what I need. This is the next step. Ever since I realized I needed to focus on my needs one step at a time instead of looking at the end result, things have changed.
I went from sitting in a stagnant pool of nothingness, to taking steps forward one at a time. First, finally finding information that supported my vision of how a relationship should really be, and finding people who actually lived it, whether it was a D/s relationship or a vanilla relationship, to me it is the same. I may get criticized for that remark but what Xajow speaks about, the depth of a D/s relationship without the kink, is how I always saw vanilla relationships. I was always confused when those relationships came nowhere near how I thought they should be.
Then to finding Xajow’s posting of assignments to help me explore how acting submissive makes me feel. Those assignments alone helped me to see clearly that I was on the right path. I can’t explain how the assignments connected me to my submissive, to actually feeling a force of Dominance supporting me, but that is what happened. The moment I entered my kneeling position on the first assignment I accepted, it felt right. I felt connected. I felt a deep sense of peace fill me. I tried meditation in the past, it never affected me the way kneeling has. I can’t explain why, it just does. I don’t have to struggle with the kneeling unless it is the length I choose to do so.
Oh, I had moments of struggling with emotions, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all smooth sailing. I don’t expect smooth sailing. Those feelings though were stirred by a past of confused emotions, and making those connections with my submissive of the past. Someone so confused and hurt because she didn’t know how to interact with the world and people around her. It isn’t surprising those feeling would come bubbling to the surface.
Now, however, I have someone who will help me understand, someone I can go to when I’m feeling off kilter and I don’t know why. A calming strength in the midst of my turmoil. This is how I see my guide.
I need to breathe. Breathing is good. I just hope I can sleep tonight.
Fourteen minutes in kneeling, knees spread wide, back straight, hands palm up on thighs looking straight ahead. Not bad for a new position. This may be the one I choose.
I need sleep. Good night.
I performed my ritual this morning using the same kneeling position as last night. I like how it leaves me open, revealed, vulnerable, very reflective of where I am right now.
My sleep was broken, waking many times. The first only thirty minutes after I lay down to go to sleep. I was surprised I had been sure several hours had gone by if not actually close to it being morning. I could only laugh at how time was playing tricks with me.
Each time I woke, I woke from dreams of my guide and his dominance. This night was not one of rest but of my mind coming to accept this new stage of my life.
When I have restless nights like this I usually find my neck sore and stiff, it is no different this morning. A nap usually helps if there is a break in my day. Wednesdays are usually filled with meetings and today I have a report I need to finish before my noon meeting. There isn’t much left to do on it, just collating the numbers to create three charts.
It is almost time to begin my day, my alarm which is set to play the radio at 6:45am just went off. I can’t stand the radio these days, it feels too loud and obnoxious. I just want calm, quiet serenity in my life now. I smile at that, because I wonder now how much of that I will really have, at least in the beginning any way.
Time to post this and begin my day, which means helping my daughter prepare for school, and then beginning my work day. Working from home is good, but sometimes I miss the interactions of others at the office, now those interactions are all over a phone with people across the country, or over instant messenger online and emails. My life has become more merged with a digital world than I had ever thought it would.
Until later… (I am still smiling at this new turn in my life.)