Oh, how interesting, my last post was my 100th post on Breathe In My Touch. I believe in signs, they show us our true path. This is a good sign, a binary number, all zeroes and ones. How cool… oh my nerd is showing… *laughing*
Today has been good. For the first time in several days, possibly since I took on the first sub assignment, I feel focused. Work over the past week or so had been difficult. Not the work itself but my ability to focus upon the tasks which I needed to complete. I felt pulled in another direction. My emotions running on high.
My guide has given me permission to call him Sir or “my Sir” or Teacher. I like “my Sir” and Teacher, both equally and will probably use them both interchangeably depending upon what I am writing about. He is after all both. Today he set out basic rules. Things like how to address him. That he wants me to be honest with him at all times especially about how I feel, including if he says or does something that makes me feel uncomfortable. He gave me my first assignment to write an essay about what submission means to me, why I want it and what I expect to get from it. This will not be easy. I feel it but to put it into words is going to be a challenge. Some of you who have read through most of my journal might think it will be easy, I have no problem doing brain dumps into the virtual world of wordpress of my thoughts. This is true enough, however, this involves more than just writing my thoughts down, this is digging in deep, finding the truth behind my feelings. Knowing and understanding where my feelings come from has never been easy for me. But when I do dig deep, many times I’ve come away with revelations I had never expected. So to start, I think I’ll just do that brain dump and see where it takes me.
The rest of my night was quite active for me, a trip to the grocery story, then my twenty minute walk which was absolutely beautiful sunny and warm, then home to call my best friend who I hadn’t talked to for several months.
She is so busy it is hard to catch her and while we talked I prepared dinner. We talked for an hour and a half! I love her immensely. She is such a gracious friend. When she came to visit back in 2010 and met my daughter for the first time, she saw how I had raised her and how I had concerns that if anything happened to me that someone in my family would change what I had encouraged in my daughter. She offered to be her guardian if such a situation occurred. I know and trust her to carry on what I began. This was such a relief to me.
Now it is quiet, my daughter in bed, darkness is descending, the windows are open, and I just remembered it is garbage night, so I’m off to take care of the garbage and then begin my brain dump.
I have performed my brain dump. I actually like what dumped out. I will however, review it and let things settle, see if other thoughts come forward which I might want to add, but for now, I set it aside. Time to prepare for sleep.
I made it the full twenty minutes in the new kneeling position. It was very difficult to stand. I had to sit on my side to take the pressure off my knees before attempting to stand.
I am tired. Starting the essay tonight, doing the brain dump as I call it has drained me. I am however encouraged by the emails I receive from my Sir. I am hoping he will open up more about himself but I know it is early yet for that. I must be patient. I however will show him every day my devotion to him and what his offer of being my Teacher means to me.
I really woke around 4:37am with my mind on my Sir, sleep eluded me, so I gave up and I’m writing in my journal instead. Then I jumped over and started adding more to my essay.
My morning ritual is completed. It amazes me each time I kneel how it helps to center me and help me to focus, in the mornings and in the evenings it helps me to calm my thoughts before sleep.
I look forward to hearing from my Teacher today. I know I wrote an entry in my journal about how it upsets me that I can’t receive a message without feeling fear well up in me and that I know this comes from my childhood. Each email I receive from him and feel his kindness, his support, his encouraging words, I feel less and less fear with each subsequent email. I find myself smiling when I hear the ding of an incoming message and see the tiny window pop up and I see it is from him. My heart gives this little pitter patter in my chest, and joy floods to my soul and wraps its warm arms around me. I wonder what it would be like to be in his actual presence, to know what it would feel like to kneel before him and feel his touch upon my hair. I have to remind myself this might never happen. For now, this is enough for me. I have so much to learn.
I just stepped into my living room and realized I left the windows open. It is cool but not cold. It felt refreshing to breathe in fresh air instead of air that has been closed inside all day. It is time to begin my day. I will post this shortly.