I completed fifteen minutes of kneeling in the new position.
My morning ritual complete, I’ve been thinking about taking up the last of the assignments which Xajow has posted. I believe I will begin it tomorrow or Wednesday. I was waiting to ensure the last two days would be on days which I could devote the time needed for the extended periods of kneeling. When my daughter doesn’t have school the next day, she stays up late, though not past 11pm so at times it becomes difficult for me to have private time to myself. She has learned not to come into my room without knocking and asking permission to come in, so at least I have my room for privacy however it doesn’t mean I would not be interrupted. Weekdays where she has school the next day will be the best for me when performing the assignment on the last two days. This being said, I realize next week has Monday as a holiday, therefore I probably won’t start the assignment until Wednesday.
Yesterday was a very emotionally charged day for me. Anyone who read my blog would probably see that. It was very unsettling. Normally I have great control over my emotions so for me to be as I was yesterday was not only unusual but difficult. I did not want to interrupt my Sir’s time with his parents and it wasn’t until he contacted me via email later in the day and had a few exchanges between us that I finally not so subtly hinted at my not having such a great day. He picked up on it immediately and as is his way he asked me directly.
I knew he would help. It isn’t that I didn’t want his help. He is my rock in the midst of a stormy sea. I really wanted to make sure he had his day with his mother and the rest of his family.
It is so difficult to really get an emotional feeling from someone through emails or even chat so a person has to rely upon the other to be honest and express their feelings through words and sometimes punctuation. After my initial admittance of the day not being a good one for me, he read my blog and immediately sat down with me to talk with me. He expressed his desire to help but wasn’t sure how, which almost put me in tears which just showed me how unstable I was.
I’m not one who cries. This came about from when I was about six or seven years old when my grandmother died and I saw not a single tear from all the people at her funeral, not her son (my father), not my grandfather (her husband), not even my mother who had told me one time she felt closer to her than her own mother. When I saw there were no tears I choked back my own as best I could and from then on tears were something I always swallowed and rarely allowed escape.
Yesterday, I found a lump in my throat at various unexpected times throughout the day. I couldn’t explain it. I don’t remember having this problem over the past couple of years on Mother’s Day, so yesterday was rather confusing as to why.
My talk with my Sir, didn’t answer that question but what he did do was allow me to talk and let me know there were things in my experience he could understand and in some cases had similar experiences.
He had also answered some questions which were also leaving me a bit uncertain, and his answers helped put me at ease. Then we started talking about some of the D/s lifestyle which I am not all that familiar with. I had come across a couple online who were looking for a third to join their family and the dominant had spoken of his wife becoming the Alpha submissive and the new submissive would be under her. My Sir helped me to understand that no matter what when there are two or more female submissives in a family that they would compete and one would become the alpha of the submissives, while the dominant man would be the alpha in the family who had the ultimate say and control.
I have always considered myself to be non-competitive. I’m not a jealous person. I’ve been in a relationship which was open where we could both seek other people to be with sexually, though I never did, he did and I never became jealous. When he brought one of the women home with him, I was comfortable with it, although I kept an eye on her around my daughter. I knew without a doubt if she had done anything which I did not agree with I would have no problem asking her to leave. Until I had thought about this, I had considered the idea of an alpha female distasteful. What I realized was it was the idea of an alpha female being over me that was distasteful, which I found interesting. I had never looked at myself in that way before. As much as I thought I was not possessive I realize in regards to my family and my home, I am possessive and if other submissive females were brought into that home, I would want to be the one to be in control. This actually surprised me in a way. I had never seen myself as this strong female person in a family structure.
I also considered in what condition I would be okay in having an alpha female over me, so I considered my best friend who is a woman I trust with my life as well as my daughter’s life. I’ve known her for over twenty years. She was one of the few women I actually approached with the intent of making her my friend. Usually my friends became friends through situations that brought us together. I met her at work, sitting alone in the break room. I could have easily dismissed her and continued on my own, instead I invited her to have lunch with me and from then on our friendship built to what it is today.
She and I have been through some interesting situations. Her relationships have left her with no desire to be with another man, but it isn’t for this reason I would feel comfortable if she were the alpha female. The reason I would have no problem with her being an alpha female in a family structure is because I trust her. I trust her to do what is best for the whole family and for me and my daughter. Unless I have that trust with another female submissive I don’t think I would be comfortable at all unless I were the alpha.
It was a very interesting thing to consider. I know I have the capacity to love more than one person in my life at any given time. I also do not consider myself bi-sexual at all. I however have no problem with the concept of two women pleasing our dominant man. These are not ideas I have only just considered. At one time I considered poly relationships and when I did, it was always with the idea of the man being the dominant. And yes, there were times I even considered a poly relationship with two men and just me. I know in all of this it wasn’t about the sex but about the building of a family, about feeling I belonged and having the love and support of others and that love and support extending to my daughter.
There were times I thought if I never did find that man who wanted to be in my life, then I could have fulfillment by building an extended family of others who needed the love and support around them. A community of sorts where people joined together for the similar support network they needed, whether it was to have a building that housed us all, with separate apartments or a group of buildings which were close enough together to be neighbors and we helped each other and supported each other, whether that was to ensure a child is taken care of when the single parent is sick, or possibly business required them to travel, or just being there when someone is emotionally feeling down or distraught. The things a healthy family would normally support each other on for which I’ve never had throughout my life. This is what I would see as a part of a D/s family structure.
My kneeling last night, and lying down to sleep found my mind going over and over again our discussion. It had me looking at all these things I had considered in my life as possibilities for creating a family. Then I looked at what my Sir’s response had been to my emotional upheaval yesterday and it warmed my heart to know, no matter what he might have had planned or even not planned for his evening after the day with his parents, he dropped everything to talk to me and help me through my difficulties. I’ve never had anyone do this for me before. By the end of our discussion my emotions were back in balance. I did not cry outright however there were moments where tears leaked from the corners of my eyes when we talked about some of the things that not only made me feel bereft but I learned also made him rather angry. Not at me but at how my parents were.
As long as I have my Sir, I know I will never have to deal with things alone again. I do not have adequate words to express how that makes me feel. All I know is once again I feel at peace and I feel cared for.