I stood in the shower for a long time, after having exposed my darkest thoughts to my Sir. It isn’t easy looking into the dark corners and digging out the trash. I just let the hot water run over my body, letting the heat sink into my skin, hoping the warmth would reach the cold depths of me. I don’t like this feeling. It is the closest I’ve come to turning away, thinking he could not in all possibility still want to train me. He says he is not judging me and yet I can’t think but how can he not?
I could only stand in the hot shower for so long before the hot water ran out. I washed, not scrubbing even though I feel like I have almost fifty years of filth upon me. I know no scrubbing could take that feeling away.
I know I’m not alone in this but the fear is there. I didn’t expect for this to come out so early in my training with him. Even though I no longer fear I will receive harsh words from him, I have no idea of what he will say. We are to talk later about it, and yet I dread the moment while at the same time I have hope. I’ve never told another living soul. And I won’t tell it here. I will only tell the feelings I have in this moment.
After my shower, I lay upon my bed, trying to let the heat dissipate from my body. I think about masturbating but that is what got me to this place. I still consider it, thinking I can distract myself, not think about it, but I know that won’t help. It won’t change what I had to tell him because he told me this is what he wanted to know.
Things happen for a reason they say. They happen when you are ready for it whether you think you are ready or not. I can’t imagine I would ever be ready for this, not ever. And yet at the same time I’m glad it is finally out. It has always hovered in the back ground. I knew the day would come when I would have to tell him. I can’t imagine having to tell another what I told him today. Of all the people I have known, or think I could ever know, I am glad it is him I told. I don’t think I’ll ever tell another what I told him today.
I know however, this is what I have always wanted. I have always said I want someone to know me, to know my deepest and darkest secrets and to know they will accept me no matter what they are. Not judging me. Is that the same as accepting me? I guess I won’t know until we talk.
Why now? I keep asking myself. Why did this have to come out now? I guess though, it is better now than later, better to have it out now than after feelings have grown deeper. Better now to know if he can look upon my darkness and still smile or call me a good girl.
For the first time tonight, when he told me he was glad I told him, that I was a good girl. I did not feel the joy of those words. My darkness has surrounded me and for the first time it holds me firm telling me not to run, to stay, to see what will happen, to hear what he will say. So I wait patiently as I do those things I need to do tonight for me and my daughter.
My Sir and I have talked. I know I should never have doubted him, but it is hard to tear away all the layers of fear and doubts that have surrounded me all my life. I’m working on it and I’m grateful my Sir understands this. He was as gracious as ever. Kind and thoughtful. Always concerned for how I am feeling. I think he knew I would be nervous about the intimate discussion we needed to have and so he started out with asking me to tell him about my day. He seems to know how to put me at ease. How he knows I’m sure will be a mystery to me for the rest of my life. I’m just glad he is able to do so.
When we finally entered into the discussion. It was hard to tell him the details he asked for. If anyone else had asked me to tell them what my Sir had asked I know I would not have done so. I would have clammed up and been as silent as a rock. I don’t know what it is about him that makes it so easy, and yes I said, easy, even though it is difficult for me. It is easy to tell him in comparison with how hard it would be to tell others. I don’t know how he does it, or why it is I can do so with him and no one else.
He makes me feel safe.
It is that simple.
He makes me feel safe.
We shared quite a bit tonight. We found out more about each other. Neither one of us turning away from the other in disgust. I could never do that to him. Why I ever thought he would do that to me, shames me, while at the same time I know he will understand.
I had dreams all my life of a man like him. As I grew older and met more and more men who were nowhere near the type of man I dreamt of, I started to believe they never really existed. I read stories and decided since they were all written by women that it was just their fantasy dream too.
I became disillusioned, especially after my last relationship ended over eight years ago. Then I started losing hope. I decided to make one last effort and last year I started searching for answers again. I talked to a writer who opened my eyes to the fact that my early sexual experience influenced me in many ways throughout my life in my attraction to men. This made me look at my childhood and how I was reared. Whether I was a natural submissive or my childhood trained me to be, well, I prefer to think I’m a natural submissive. I do things on instinct that seem to be the right thing to do. But discovering I am submissive isn’t what finally opened the doors, because I was too focused on the end result. I wanted to jump from the starting gate to the finish line and skip the mile or two track in between. I wanted to skip the hard training it takes to become the winner who crosses the finish line first.
It took talking to someone about law of attraction to understand what I had been doing. I realized my focus wasn’t narrowed enough. I learned that men or women who use the law of attraction, do so, in stages. For instance, if they want to be a billionaire, they don’t look at making that billion in one long shot. They look first at maybe making that first one hundred thousand, then make the next five hundred thousand, then a million, and so forth until they work their way up to a billion.
So I stepped back and I looked at where I wanted to be in the next five years and what it would take to get me there. I knew I wanted a family, with a dominant man at its head with the support and love that my daughter and I both needed. But I first needed to learn about dominance and submission. I needed a teacher.
I closed down all the online dating sites, I even closed out my account on Fetlife. What I had run into there, only taught me one thing. Jumping into a life of BDSM was not for me. I needed another approach. I closed off communications with others that I knew were dead ends, though one of them had shown me there are men out there who genuinely love women and make the effort to learn what they need and support them emotionally. This gave me enough spark in my hope. However, I did step away. I took a break for about three months.
Then one day I opened up wordpress just to take a look at my blog and see if I wanted to revive it. Something kicked in that day and I started posting again and exploring other aspects of myself. Then people started following my blog and liking what I wrote and I started reading more and finding a whole other world in wordpress I had not known existed. Then I found a reference to Liberate One, and I started learning about D/s relationships. Which led me to my Teacher, to my Sir.
Today, I could not consider myself more blessed. He has put me at ease. I had all sorts of thoughts today, sometimes thinking I must be feeling like a huge burden and yet at no time did he ever make me feel that way. Other times, I felt as though I had to be looking like one of those high maintenance females men like to complain about. Yet at no time did he ever make me feel that way. Then at some point in the conversation he made me laugh, I let go a bit and teased and let out a bit of my sense of humor and before I knew it, all my fears, all my insecurities, all my darkness had flown away.
At the end of our conversation, I can feel him expecting me to show him thanks as a submissive should, on her knees and I have no problem doing just that. He deserves every bit of my gratitude, my devotion and if I were there with him, I would serve him in whatever capacity he needed and I would enjoy every minute of it. He is slowly eroding away all the things of my past. I can feel myself healing. I still have a long road ahead of me. I’m not concerned for I no longer travel it alone. Thank you Teacher. I kneel and bow to you in thanks.
Twenty minutes kneeling, the last couple of minutes are the hardest still. The tingling isn’t so bad any more though standing still hurt. I’m not at all graceful when attempting to get out of my kneeling position.
I wish I could sleep through the night without my sleep being broken up into segments. I wake too often and sometimes find it difficult to return to sleep. When that happens now I find myself reaching for my computer.
I performed my morning ritual of kneeling and saying the phrases from the assignments I’ve completed. This morning’s was performed in a fog of half wakefulness. I had forced myself to go back to sleep three or four times until my alarm sounded and now instead of being clear headed I’m in a fog. It will clear, it just takes time.
I have no internet this morning which means no work and no email or postings. I can however prepare my journal entry since I use a word processor so I will retain copies of my own.