A Submissive’s Journey – 14May2014 evening to 15May2014 5:56am

**When I wrote this yesterday I didn’t put a time on it, but it was written sometime in the evening maybe around 10:30pm or later.**

Today has been a really hard day. Let me explain in the steps that were taken.

After kneeling for fifteen minutes, which began my assignment this morning, I retrieved my computer and sat down to write in my journal, scanning through some of the blogs I follow. I follow an oncologist and I read his post for today. He is featuring guest writers and today’s was a woman writing about her experience with her husband being diagnosed with melanoma. This story brought me to tears. At the time her husband passed away, her children were around my daughter’s age.

You see, today I had a doctor’s appointment. It was something I have been needing to do for some time and kept putting it off.

My decision to pursue understanding my submissive nature has set me on a path which is uncovering so many things I have either chosen to deny or have chosen to hide. This is not an easy thing for me to admit. I knew my doctor’s appointment would only be the beginning and I would not have answers for probably weeks. Today, confirmed I was right.

The drive home, was like there were two of me in the car. One ready to run away and hide and put a stop to everything I was doing and the other to go cry on my Sir’s shoulder.

The only problem with that is my Sir and I do not live in the same town, nor do we live in the same country. There are thousands of miles between us. So what really could he do?

On top of that, this would be the third time since Sunday, in which I would unburden myself upon him and he would help to pick up the pieces. It just didn’t seem right, or fair, and yet, I knew I could do nothing else. He is my rock. And he proved that today, but before I go there. There is something more I should say, so you my readers can understand just how hard I’ve been hit today.

I knew when I left the doctor’s office the unknown was huge. It could just be a benign cyst, or it could be cancer. I won’t know that until they can do the tests and possibly a biopsy if the tests indicate possibly cancer.

So while driving I’m arguing with myself about whether to tell my Sir or not knowing full well how angry he would be if I kept this from him. But I had to have that argument with myself.

Then I get home. I email my naturopath to get her recommendation, and while I wait, I begin to do some of my work. Then I receive two emails at work back to back. I no sooner read the first one, when the second one comes in.

The first is about an employee, who I didn’t know, who had a heart attack about a week ago and ended up on life support. They disconnected the life support yesterday and today he passed away.

The second email was worse. This one was about a long time co-worker and friend. She was experiencing vision problems and today had been diagnosed with cancer, a tumor in the brain, they are trying to determine if it is operable and what the treatment will be. She said she is a fighter and will fight this as she has promised her husband a long life with him. They were married only a couple years ago.

This had sort of been the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak and I began an email to my Sir. It was a long email, explaining it all to him and I told him I would understand if he would want to step away. He had not signed on for this. I did not want him to feel obligated to stick through this with me.

He was his most gracious self. He asked me why he would step away from me over this. Oh he could have come up with all kinds of reasons and so could I. I know it sounded like I didn’t trust him but in reality, in all honesty, I knew he wouldn’t leave. However, I wanted him to know he had that option if indeed it was what he wanted to do and I would not think less of him for doing so.

My Sir being who he is, talked with me, reassured me he wasn’t going anywhere and he would do what he could to help me. We both know it might not seem like he does much but in all honesty, just talking to him helps me to settle down. Helps me to get my emotions back in balance where they aren’t rampaging over me in huge cresting waves trying to pound me into the sand. I’ve been calm ever since we talked. I can’t explain it. Other than, it helps to know he will be there to talk to when things seem to get out of control. He will be there. No one but me can really understand what that means to me. Except for maybe someone who is like me and has never had anyone be there for them, ever in their entire fifty or more years. I keep seeing that little girl clutching the back of the sofa, so afraid someone will notice her and not see how scared she is inside. My Sir sees, he acknowledges it, but more importantly, he makes me tell him. He doesn’t say it for me.

Then today after we finished talking, the man who mows the lawn was here. I’ve never been one to know how to be a good hostess. It was not one of those things that happened in my home growing up. I looked at this man mowing the yard. I knew it was warm outside and the sun was fully glaring on the yard where he worked. I asked myself how I could serve this man. So I went outside and asked him if he would like some water or juice. He said he was fine. I told him if he changed his mind to let me know. When he finished mowing he said he would like that water after all. His allergies were in full kickass mode, so I also offered him some over the counter medicine that might help alleviate some of the symptoms. He took it along with his water.

I was comfortable in doing this for him. He is a friend, one who has helped whenever he could with taking care of things around the house where we live. It was the first time in my life I felt comfortable having someone come into my home and I credit this to what I have been learning from my Sir and about my submissive nature. I could help this man without him even knowing or suspecting that inside I am this submissive. I was happy to relay this to my Sir of what he has taught me. He told me he was proud of me. Most of all, just the simple things I did, made me feel happy, in a strange way I knew I was serving my Sir when I served this other man. I can’t explain it. I just know how it made me feel. Then hearing my Sir’s approval helped me to know I had not been wrong which gave me such joy.

I am tired. I could probably write more and more but right now. I need to do my assignment and get some rest. The emotions of this day has worn me out. Hopefully I’ll sleep until my alarm goes off. I’ll write about my assignment in the morning.


Day 1, part 2:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 15 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1

I repeated the two groups of sentences throughout the fifteen minutes, saying them slowly and carefully contemplating each one as I say them. I felt calm and peaceful the whole time. The day’s events still hovered in the background but contained. My five minutes of masturbation was of thinking of my Sir watching. I have a feeling I will owe him an email in the morning.


Day 2, part 1:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 15 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1

This morning my mind was all over the place thinking about all that occurred yesterday from the doctor’s appointment to serving the man who mowed the lawn, to my daughter’s belt test for her karate and the new light in which I now see the Master who conducts the testing as a dominant. Watching him with the students I could clearly see good dominant traits.

As I suspected and commented about in my journal last night, I owe my Teacher an email. I am off to do just that.

About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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