A Submissive’s Journey – 15May2014 5:24pm to 16May2014 7:57am


Sometimes I really hate my body, but really what I hate is how my body responds to stress. I’ve been fine today with everything but tonight my body is demonstrating just how much the stress of yesterday had affected it. I’m about to get into body functions, if this makes you squeamish you might not want to read further.

Stress affects me in different ways. Immediately, it can cause my shoulders to draw up and become tense on up into my neck, which if you read an earlier post you will know this can then cause my neck to become misaligned. This can cause headaches and sometimes migraines. Then of course depending on the time of day, if it is evening then I rarely sleep, or my sleep is broken up into small segments of time. These I can actually deal with far better than what comes later once the stress is mostly alleviated.

What happens next can be anywhere from an immediate reaction to stress to up to twenty-four hours or more later. My digestive system goes into cleanout mode. It will begin by a cramping sensation in my abdomen, a little higher than I would get when I would have my monthly flow. Sometimes I can feel it move through my digestive track until it becomes severe enough I know it is time to go to the bathroom. Or in some cases it hits so fast the moment I feel the sensation I have to take that trip to the bathroom otherwise nobody wants to be around me if I don’t make it there. I won’t take that further, it is embarrassing enough just telling you about this. The cramping comes in waves, and as my body cleans itself out it usually goes from solid waste to a watery waste. And many times this will go on off and on for about three hours, sometimes longer depending on when I last ate, and how much food is in my digestive system. It doesn’t stop until all of it is eliminated from my system.

If you are wondering about the three out period or more, it doesn’t go on solidly for that period of time. I could be fine for twenty or thirty minutes or even an hour before the next wave hits and off I go again to the bathroom. When I was in Montreal under constant stress, just leaving the house would sometimes put me in this state and I couldn’t leave until I was flushed out. Things became a whole lot better once we moved to BC. Because the stress here is far less, not a constant state. I now only feel stress at times usually from work which thank goodness doesn’t happen that often any more, or if something happens to my daughter like a couple years ago when the school called me to tell me she had banged her head badly. When I saw her with a huge knot just above her temple I realized how close she had come to being badly hurt, just a fraction lower could have caused serious damage and she was having problems with sudden bouts of crying. Even so, she decided to stay in school and not come home. I probably should have brought her home, however I knew her teacher would keep a really good eye on her. In the end all was well, but yes, the stress had put a strain on my system. This is what yesterday had done to me, even though I had a really good cry, even though I had someone to talk to, this is how my body responds to stress. I don’t like it but it is what I have had to live with since I was a small child. And at times I’ve seen signs of the same thing in my daughter.

I wanted to go for my walk today but with this happening now, I will postpone my walk until tomorrow.

One of the tests my doctor had ordered required a stool sample. I provided it this morning. In the process I found something odd, which I had read about. I could see pills I had taken in my stool that had not digested properly. They were still in pill shape and they were hard, which meant they had not digested. I have heard this happening with vitamins depending upon what the pills were encased in. I am sure the pills are I3C which I was taking to try and help flip my estrogen ratio. When they had tested for my estrogen levels, the test showed that the bad estrogen was higher than my good estrogen. Yes, there is a type of estrogen that has been associated with causing cancer in particular breast cancer. So my naturopath suggested I take I3C which I have been doing like clockwork for over a year. However, today I find that in all likely hood it has done me little good since apparently my body isn’t digesting it. Today, when I took my pills I cut them open and mixed them with orange juice. I will be asking my naturopath if I should do this with my other pills. I have been taking bioidentical hormones for a few years now. I can however tell they are helping so these might be okay since I get them from a compounding pharmacy and I did not see any of them in my stool, like I did the I3C. The reason I know it was the I3C was because of the size, all my other pills are smaller.

I told my naturopath what I had discovered and I’m hoping my solution to the problem is something she will agree with. I should hear back from her tomorrow.


Day 2, part 2:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 15 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1

My mind was all over the place tonight unable to really focus. Tonight’s kneeling was particularly difficult because of my inability to concentrate and get into a zen like mental flow. I think part of this is due to the stress I am feeling in my neck, and not sleeping well.


Day 3, part 1:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 15 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1

My Sir is always telling me to breathe so I have started incorporating breathing into my assignment. Before each sentence I breathe in then as I say the sentence aloud I let my breath slowly out. In between the first group and second group, I slowly breathe in and then back out, then I’ll breathe in and begin the next sentence. At the end of the second group, I take three slow breaths, then start all over again. One pass through takes about one minute. This not only allows me time to think about what I’m going to say, it gives me focus, makes me not rush and makes the period of time feel not so long.

I was tired this morning due to waking around 2:15am with acid reflux from eating something before going to bed which I know better than to do. However, having not eaten much at all yesterday, I had felt the need for food before going to bed. I should have abstained or stayed up a few hours before going to bed. Either way, I am tired and I thought the kneeling would be even more difficult this morning than last night, however with the breathing added it seemed to help and it was not at all difficult.

I woke to find several comments from a follower of my blog who I consider a friend. One of her questions took me back to my first assignment from my Sir in which I explain what being submissive means to me and whether I wanted to post my essay for others to read. Her comment has made me reconsider my decision to not post it. I can understand how my journey for a non-submissive might seem a bit odd or confusing or as she put it, she was wondering if I was looking to achieve something or if it was just an experience. I think my essay will answer that question for anyone interested in knowing why I’m on this journey other than me just saying I’m finally accepting who I really am. I will post it later in a separate post and come back here and link it to a couple of my journal entries. For now though I need to begin my work day.

About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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