The very first assignment my Teacher gave me was to write an essay, here is how he described this assignment:
Write me an essay about what submission means to you, why you want it and what you expect to get from it. This essay is to be at least 2000 words long, and longer is better. I want details, and I want you to dig deep and really examine these matters, and I want to see all your thoughts about them.
Below is the essay I wrote. I wrote this in one sitting, it took me a couple days to send it to him because I wanted to be sure I had dug as deep as I could and I had not left anything out, as well as take time to edit it as best I could.
I am sharing this essay because of a comment a friend of mine made to one of my journal entries asking me the following, ” Are you hoping to achieve something or is this just can experience?” I decided at that moment that sharing my essay might help others who are not submissives to understand why I would take this journey, as well as possibly help new submissives to see how another submissive feels about their submission. I know we all feel differently about our submission so I do not expect other submissives to agree with what I have written or to expect others to think other submissives feel this same way. These are my thoughts and only my feelings therefore please be respectful of this. Thank you.
Teacher, the assignment though it appears as though you have split this into three parts, “what submission means to you, why you want it and what you expect to get from it” I see all three as part of the whole. All of them tied together.
I could give the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of submission:
- 2: the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
- 3: an act of submitting to the authority or control of another
And tell you that is what it means to me but that would be a lie, and I will not lie to you. What it means to me is far deeper than any dictionary definition of the word.
I could also tell you it means to serve. But even that would not be exactly true.
When I was a child, I knew nothing about submission, or dominance. All I knew is what I sensed within myself as to what I needed. I didn’t know it was submission that called to me or that submission was in the very heart of who I am.
I’ve read others say when they felt the need to submit, they feel it in their stomachs. I do not. I feel it in my chest, in the beating of my heart, and it travels to my very soul. Since I was a child, I felt this hollowness, this emptiness where my heart beats, it travels deep inside of me, not just my physical body but I feel it in my soul.
In all honesty, I didn’t know this until the moment I knelt upon the floor to perform the Sub Assignment Number 4. The very first assignment I accepted from Xajow’s postings. It wasn’t until I sat down to write this essay that I made the connection. I always thought it was love that was missing, that I yearned for love and would be happy if I found love. Then was confused when I did find love and yet this aching need inside of me still existed. So, I thought it wasn’t really love that I felt.
Submission for me is not an act I perform for someone just because they want it. Because submission isn’t just a mental thing I want, and it isn’t just a feeling I need to satisfy, it is also my spirit, my soul of who I am. Take away my physical body and I will still feel the need to submit, to give all that I am to another person who deserves my devotion. It isn’t about giving to just anyone, it must be to the right person. A person deserving of this powerful gift I have.
Why do I want it? Since I was a small child, I have felt this inside of me. Is it a want? Maybe for some, but not for me. I need it almost as much as I need the air to breathe. Do I need it to survive? Physically, no, maybe not. Slowly since I was a young child, then as a young adult, each time I searched and came up empty, I felt a piece of me die. I felt a part of me fall away. I felt myself slowly losing hope. I stopped looking for over eight years. I knew I was empty inside. I also knew I was dying. My soul was wilting away, drying up.
The moment I knelt on the floor, I felt life return to me. I finally felt at peace. I finally found what I had been searching for. Hope returned and my soul found life again. Do I want this? No. Do I need this? YES.
What do I hope to get out of it? I think I just told you that, and I say that with respect.
You want details, and you want me to dig deep and really examine and you want to see all my thoughts about them. I will attempt to do so. I’m just not sure I can do more than what I have said in these 660 some words I’ve written.
My experience in submission is minimal, kneeling is only a fraction of what one does in submission however very representative it is of giving over mind, body, heart and soul to another. Since I was a child I have yearned to become as close as I possibly can with another human being, that cannot happen without total submission. I want to feel there is no separation between me and another, as if there is no flesh separating us. I have no doubt this could happen without the involvement of the joining of flesh to flesh. However, I would be lying if I said the joining of flesh is not a part of what I seek. I feel it is a pathway to breaking down barriers. Submission to me is about breaking down those barriers which I know I have many.
What I hope to get out of it is, to become totally free from the bondage I have been encased within. To be able to be totally and completely open to my Sir, in this case to you, my Teacher. I wish to have nothing between us, for you to know me completely in all my raw form.
Why do I want it? Why do we want the air we breathe? Why do we want the sun to shine? Why do I want you to be my Dominant and no one else? These are questions that I am sure many have asked throughout the ages, and I’ve asked myself over and over in life. I know when the sun shines upon me, it warms me. I know when I take a breath the air moves within me and satisfies my need for the elements it contains. I know from the moment you responded to my first message, that you would change my life. I know without a doubt that submission feeds my soul just as surely as oxygen feeds my brain, just as surely as the food I eat feeds my body and the bright sun warms my skin.
For short moments I would feel at peace, but those moments were when I sat in the early morning sun watching a flower open to accept nourishment from the sun. Or when I would walk in the woods and feel the comfort of the trees. Those moments were fleeting while in the brief moments of submission in kneeling, the peace has remained with me, even through the turmoil of emotions, there was still peace.
This is what submission gives to me. It gives me peace. It brings to me a sense of finally being whole. Of being complete. Of being one with my universe and God. Without it, I’m lost.
In the many relationships I had, not a single one of them has made me feel what I feel now. In each one, I could feel my soul screaming to be given sustenance. When I attempted to communicate on a deeper level, I saw and felt them shut down, closing me off. Not willing to accept what I was offering. Not willing to meet what I needed.
I was told I was too intense. I was told I intimidate men. I was told by friends, I give too much. A man who is willing to accept my submission is willing to learn all this about me. I want to be able to share all I am with another person, and the only way I can do that is in submission.
I’ve walked this earth like someone who was never completely a part of it. Was never accepted completely by anyone. Even my best friend doesn’t comprehend the depth of this need within me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt alien to this world because what I felt was so different from what I saw around me. No one had relationships like I ‘knew’ a relationship should be. I didn’t know how I knew what I knew when I had no example in front of me. All I knew was, wherever I went, I felt different, not a part of anything. An alien. I would wonder what planet I had to have come from, or maybe I had somehow been transplanted into this family that wasn’t really my family. Or that somehow I was born in the wrong time and maybe sometime in the future people would really come to have relationships as I knew they should be. I feel like I was living in the wrong dimension. Now I find not only you but since finding you, I have discovered others who actually live this life. I feel as though I have finally come home and I walked across the threshold of that home the first time I knelt upon the floor.
This isn’t about me knowing what submission is to me. This is about me understanding submission is the outward manifestation of who I am. I am a submissive. The first time I said those words aloud I knew it to be true. I knew it wasn’t wishful thinking. I knew it wasn’t an act, a thing to do to bring excitement into a boring life. This is about me finally being who I really am. About no longer feeling the need to hide, to smother it, to keep it contained, to pretend it does not exist.
Why do I want this? What do I want to get out of this? What does submission mean to me? It means I can finally be who I really am. It means I no longer have to hide who I really am. It means, I will finally be who I really am. And I can do so freely and without judgement.
You said it seemed I was doing this almost instinctually. I honestly don’t know how I would be if I were physically in front of you. I would hope I would be no different. However, I suspect I would appear hesitant, where in fact I would most likely be shy and awkward. I would want to please you. However, when in person with someone, my mind tends to freeze my thoughts which dam up into a jumble and I would find myself having problems bringing my thoughts forward into my voice. What I want, What I hope, would be for the blocks that make that happen to be broken down. For the barriers and fears to be torn asunder. So that one day I can look you in the eyes, kneel at your feet, and show you I trust you with everything I am.
I want to be able to release all the emotions I have closed off inside of me, so I can express myself freely, without hesitation. Maybe submission is the key that will finally unlock me from the jail I have been within my whole life.
Do I fear what might happen in my submission? Yes. I fear I may not be strong enough to withstand what will be drudged up. I fear I may run and in running you might not see it isn’t my submission I run from but my fear of breaking, that something might tear me into a million pieces and I won’t be able to find them all to be put back together again. I fear I might not ever feel whole or complete. What I hope to get out of this is to face those fears and find out I am strong enough.
Submission to me is not about sex. If nothing else, sex informs me, it helps me to see if something is missing. In all my relationships, sex was the one thing that told me the man I was with was not the man I needed. I have yet to experience sex with someone on the level I have heard about in a D/s relationship. Do I want that? Definitely. Instinctively I knew what I experienced was not all there could be. I also knew I would not have it without the depth of connection I sought. Without that depth, it would be forever lacking.
Submission is about breaking down walls, about getting through all the riffraff and forming a bond between two people that reaches not just their bodies, and mind, but their soul, their spirit. Sexually I have always sought a dominant man, felt disappointed when I realized the man I was with was not the Dominant I sought. I searched for that dominance in the bedroom, I also wanted the dominance in every part of my life. Through submission I feel for sure I will finally make that bond with a man I so need at the level of intimacy I need in mind, body and soul.
This is what I feel. I never called it submission. In my mind, all I could think was I want a strong man, an emotionally strong man, one who could and would and wanted to know me in all the light and darkness and all the in between. And he would want to help me through all the barriers we both have. I see his control enabling that to happen. I didn’t know that how I saw myself with this strong man was a submissive and a Dominant. All I knew was the vision I saw inside of me of what I needed.
This is what submission means to me. It means my life. It is my life.
There have been times I have felt almost desperate for this connection, a connection that would satisfy this need so deep inside of me, the one that has been there all my life. The small steps I have taken in exploring my submission has made that connection. At first, I was joyous in finally finding what it was I had sought, then a melancholy invaded me. That melancholy was rooted in the understanding that though I now knew what it was I sought, there was the possibility I would never know it completely with a Dominant who would desire to know my submissive. To never have the chance to experience my submission in full, left me feeling very much alone, and bereft. I just could not imagine life without it or to only have the barest of experiences within my imagination.
I have an excellent imagination. But no matter how good it is, my imagination is no substitute for living. I maybe able to feel, to experience the feelings I might have on some level and be true to that experience but I know it will not show me the full depth until I live that experience. I want this in order to experience it in full, to discover what submission will tell me about myself.
What I hope to get out of this is a better understanding of who I am. I don’t know why submission is at the core of who I am. Or why I need it in order to feel complete. At a little over three and a half years old, as I looked upon my pregnant mother, her large round belly filled with my brother’s presence, I knew I wanted to help. That once he was born I wanted to help care for him. This was only allowed at the bare minimum. As I grew older, I did my best to take care of him. I reached out in the only way I knew how to try and satisfy this need inside of me, to only find every effort misunderstood. I looked to my father in hopes of his understanding and guidance which never happened. I looked to other men hoping they would welcome this part of me which I offered to them to only find they seemed to be blind to it. One man Randy seemed to fill a kind of void, he welcomed my slut or rather his approval of my emerging desire to please him by wearing sexy things brought out my slut however he still didn’t fulfill the deepest and darkest of my needs. He kept a part of himself hidden from me and in doing so the lies he told slowly destroyed my trust in him.
What does submission mean to me? It means a complete and total baring of my soul, not just those things that fill me with light but those things that darken the deepest corners. It means that in my submission I will come to know another as well as he knows me. Why do I want this? More than anything to no longer fear those dark places, to learn I am worthy of what I seek, to know another as deeply as I possibly can and to show him he has nothing to fear from me and that I welcome his darkness as well as his light. What do I expect to get out of this? Pure unadulterated bliss. A joining with someone without fear, without hesitation, with no barriers standing in the way. To learn to walk strongly in who I truly am.
I have come to understand that serving you is how I express my devotion and my respect for your acceptance of my submission. To serve you, to have this desire to please you, is what my submissive needs, it is how she expresses her submission. I do not fear my submission. I fear only disappointing you, or displeasing you, which would make me feel lacking in my submission. I’ve rarely had anyone tell me I did good, other than in my job occasionally. In my job, those words sounded hollow compared to the “good girl” I receive from you. The feeling of joy that shoots right to the heart of me, which can almost stagger me, leaves me feeling in awe how those two words can feed me in ways I never dreamed.
There is so much power in the gift I have, I was often confused why others did not seem to grasp what it was I offered them. I may not have had the words back then to know what it was I offered but I visualized it clearly. I may not have fully comprehended the depth of what I offered but I felt it deep to my core.
I struggled my entire life until recently to understand this part of myself, however often denying it because of others rejecting it. I often felt as though my expectations were far too high and in fact I had people tell me I needed to lower my expectations. Just thinking about it was like a knife being driven into me as though I were trying to cut out a part of myself. I could not understand how people could live their lives in mediocrity. I’ve had many conversations with men who told me their wives were no longer interested, that though they loved each other their lives had grown stagnant. I knew without a doubt why. I told them my thoughts about opening up, talking, and I knew before I said it that they would not. I couldn’t look at their lives and want the same thing. I could not expect less and end up like them. I knew it would mean living without really living and thus dying a slow death.
Submission is opening those doors. Submission is welcoming someone to walk through those doors and explore with me who I am. Submission is leaving nothing hidden. I don’t understand this need to open myself completely. I’ve stopped trying to understand it other than to know it is a deep seated need within me and nothing else will do.
For me there is no separation from what submission means with why I want it and what I hope to get out of it. I want nothing more than to be authentic, to be who I really am and that answers all three questions.
I cannot do this without total commitment. I cannot do this without binding myself emotionally to that person who is my Dominant. I cannot do this without being completely honest and sincere. That honesty with others is what drove them away. I learned most others want and need those white lies. They did not want to know me as I sought to know them. They feared what I would come to know about them, they feared me seeing their vulnerability and could not understand why I would want to expose my own vulnerability. They saw a strong woman and thought I would want to hide my vulnerability but they were wrong. They could not understand how exposing my vulnerability made me feel stronger.
I seek to grow and become better. The spiritual part of me has never been satisfied to just sit in stagnation or to fall into line with mainstream religion. I seek to meet and touch my God within me and I cannot do that while denying my submissive. My God demands this of me. To submit in every way possible to bring me as close to Him as I can possibly be.
I was raised a Christian. The interesting thing is I considered a life of servitude something like Catholic Nuns do, or monks. I had turned my life over to God and in doing so I felt unbelievably empty. I should probably add, I’ve knelt on the floor before in church, in submission to God, and it never gave me this feeling of completeness. I sought ways to reach Him. Oh I felt His presence everywhere, most notably inside of me. In my submission I’ve never felt closer to God. I can only imagine how much closer I will become as I learn more about my submission. I can’t help but wonder if submission is a tool, but if so, then I am that tool which will bring me possibly close enough to touch my God.
In doing this with the right Dominant, I feel I can only become a better person. Becoming a better person means I can be what I need to be for those surrounding me, especially my daughter. I already feel some differences in how I am supporting her and relating to her. But more than anything I want to be what I need to be for my Dominant and my God.
In reading over this, I have searched deep inside wondering if there is anything else I have yet to say. The only other thing that comes to mind is when I visualize kneeling at your feet, bowing my head to the floor, I search inside for what I feel as I visualize such a moment. I feel respect, not just for you but for myself. I feel honored that you would accept my submission knowing what you surely have learned about me in the reading of my journal. I feel strong in the offering of my submission. Each time I kneel I do so, not because it is expected of me. Not because it is something someone else desires. I do so for myself. For what it brings to me through my expression of trust and devotion to you. I could not do this with just anyone, nor would I want to.
Thank you Teacher, for this assignment. Your assignment has taught me more about myself. I had not made the spiritual connection until the writing of this essay. Thank you, Sir.