A Submissive’s Journey – 18May2014

12:59am

Day 4, part 2:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 15 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1, with vibrator on

After my assignment I masturbated until I came. Then happily fell asleep.

 

7:17am

Day 5, part 1:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 15 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1, with vibrator on

I immediately turned off the vibrator and put it away, then began writing in my journal. This will be my first full day of following my Sir’s additional instructions. Last night’s talk with him was interesting in his concern. At first he seemed concerned about me suffering from not cumming all day. However, further in our discussion he explained he was concerned over the additional control he had implemented and since I was new to submission he was concerned how I would respond. He wants to have a discussion with me about this and the rules. He was too tired to do so last night.

I had noticed small doubts creep into my thoughts. I’ve had total control of my life since leaving home, even the time I spent in the military was still largely within my control outside of the work I did. I am wondering at what point I will find myself rebelling against the control of another. I hope this won’t happen however I have no misconceptions as to the possibility. On top of that, there have been times I’ve considered not telling my Sir something, like using the vibrator during my assignment, after all he isn’t here with me and he wouldn’t know unless I tell him. However, whenever I feel such thoughts surface, I push them aside. If I were not sincere in wanting to learn about being submissive, it would be easy to do as those thoughts suggest, however, I do not want to cheat myself and I do not want to do anything to risk the trust which is building between my Sir and me. He needs to be able to trust me to tell him everything and I need to be able to trust him to do what is in mine and our best interest. He cannot do that if I hide things from him. Besides that would go against one of his rules and I neither want to disappoint him, nor do I want to be punished. So, even if I don’t like the outcome of telling him some things, I will continue to tell him all.

This morning as I write this I am sitting in my bed fully clothed after having performed this morning’s part of the assignment. I am chilled. I do not think this is because of the temperature in my house but more of an effect of the additional stimulus during the assignment this morning. I’ve never had a reason to withhold an orgasm or to get myself aroused and then not follow through until orgasm. Oh, I’ve been in situations where I have become aroused but because it is in a public place to not be able to do anything about it, but I’ve always been able to take care of it within a short time. This is different. I’m in my private home, and in my room where I should be able to easily take care of myself in whatever way I need but I’ve been instructed not to unless he tells me I can. I, however, do enjoy feeling aroused. I can masturbate for hours without cumming or getting an overwhelming need to cum, and sometimes though I am aroused and extremely wet there have been times where I found I couldn’t cum. I’ve not understood what blocked me at those times so this additional stimuli with the instructions of not being allowed to cum until after the last portion of the assignment for the day will be interesting.

Yesterday, I worked on my first sketch in a very long time. I was doing it on my painter program using a black background with soft white chalk. It wasn’t too bad but obviously reflected my lack of skill and use of the tools. However, it was a step into breaking through the barriers which had prevented me from submerging myself fully artistically. It felt good to finally draw something even if it wasn’t all that good. I am also finding it interesting how this journey is opening me up more and more.

Last evening I also spent time trying to help my daughter get a game working on her laptop. The game is Bioshock 2. It is very frustrating. This and one other game she has requires Microsoft Games for Windows Live and trying to get them to work is a trial in learning how to not pull your hair out in frustration. It is a fight every time because it doesn’t indicate what is wrong. She tries to load the game. It acts as though it is reading from the disk and then it disappears, goes into the proverbial black hole and never comes back out. No error messages, no nothing. I’ve told her we may just have to consider this a loss of money and toss it. I’ve searched the internet. There are absolutely hundreds of posts from people having similar issues, some have found solutions and post them but none so far have worked for her situation.

Today, I need to work with my daughter on giving her some ideas on how to create her own schedule so she can learn to manage her time better for doing her chores and any other commitments she may have. This will be a good skill for her to learn. I don’t recall being taught but I’ve always had a sense of managing my own time. I seem to carry a schedule in my head all the time of everything I need to do and I did this long before I ever became an adult. I don’t know if this is something some people just instinctively do or if I learned it by observing my parents, either way I’ve seen it isn’t something my daughter does instinctively which I guess frustrated me. I tend to think others just know things like I do and when I find out they don’t it kind of baffles me, more as to why it is I would know these things without being taught when others need specific directions as to how to do them. I do remember taking a time management class at work one time. It really wasn’t something I needed. I took it mainly to see if there was something I could learn from the class, as far as managing my time went, well they didn’t teach me anything I didn’t already know. They did however help me to understand other aspects like why some things I remember easily while other things I have to struggle to memorize. Then too there was how to keep track of what I did so if the question ever came up with my boss or I needed to show him that I was overloaded I could do so. Therefore the class was not a complete waste of time. These are things I can pass on to my daughter today as I show her the value of having a schedule.

It is time to get this day started and get out of my warm bed. Until later… I hope you enjoy your day.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to A Submissive’s Journey – 18May2014

  1. mrmodigliani says:

    May I see the drawing?

    • Kate Spyder says:

      I just posted it in my Art by Kate Spyder. Thank you for asking to see it. It made me a bit nervous thinking someone would look at it but you made me think that maybe it is what I need to get past the blocks. Also I find it interesting that you asked since it was one of the pictures you posted that I used for inspiring my drawing.

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