A Submissive’s Journey – 18May2014 12:16pm to 19May2014 7:33am

12:16pm

Well the pulling out of the hair has stopped, the game is finally working. Apparently, we had to get Microsoft Games for Windows Marketplace logged on, when we tried it requested an update, once the update completed we were able to log on, then we had to uninstall Bioshock 2 and then install it again. Then wa-la it worked.

4:36pm

I emailed a friend of mine who has a very unique living situation. It had been months since we had spoken, well almost six months. He was actually the first to give me any idea that there was something to all that I had sensed about myself over the years and what I had been looking for in a relationship. And that there are people who have such relationships. The hard thing was seeing him and those in his family every day and me only on the periphery. Though I enjoyed talking with them, it left a huge gaping hole inside of me. I wrote him today to tell him this, to explain my absence and how things were changing for me. The interesting thing is he popped online and said hello before he ever saw my email. I did bring it to his attention right away and he went and read it. He was glad to find out things were changing for me. He did express his concern over not having a man locally. How do you explain that maybe it just isn’t the right time or that I don’t want to look at that right now. I have too much to learn and I am where I need to be right now. Besides, everyone, including him are thousands of miles away from me. When the student is ready the Teacher will appear, and I am thankful for this right now, right where I am. I am focused on today, and not what is a year or three years down the road. Any number of things could happen between now and then and so I shall remain focused on the next step in my training and what I need to learn about myself.

I am glad these people are in my life. People I can talk to who accept me for who I am and who I want to be. It is strange that I can meet people online who are far more accepting than that of my own blood kin. It just proves that one does not have to be related by blood in order to be considered family.

Speaking of family, Father’s Day is coming up and it seems that maybe I’m due to write another part of my story. It has been rather cathartic writing about it, so why not. If I recall I mentioned in one of my stories when I brought up my father’s death that it was another story all on its own. This is what I intend to write.

 

12:56am

Day 5, part 2:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 15 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1, with vibrator on

After my assignment I masturbated until I came. Then happily fell asleep again. A girl could get used to this. *smiles*

7:33am

Day 6, part 1:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 15 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1, with vibrator on

Today there will be an additional fifteen minutes for a total of forty-five minutes of kneeling. I will most likely do the remaining two this evening after my daughter goes to bed, unless I can find time away in the afternoon.

This assignment has been the hardest of the four. The length and number of times kneeling with the increase today and tomorrow will challenge my resolve. Prior to doing the assignment I didn’t mind the kneeling even though it was painful. Having my morning ritual short, easing into my day was nice but facing fifteen minutes and pain is wearing on me and I find I am not looking forward to my mornings like I had been. Also my mind is focused on just getting it done, not on calming me or finding the peace I used to enjoy about my kneeling. I will be glad when this assignment is over.

My teacher and I spoke last evening. He asked me how I was doing in regards to withholding orgasms and the rules he had put in place so far. I told him I am doing fine with all of it. In fact, I mentioned to him that at times lately it didn’t feel like I was under any rules. The ones he has put in place have not been difficult to incorporate into my life.

He asked if I was ready or wanted more rules. I told him I was and yes I wanted more rules. I also told him it felt strange to want this when at the age of eighteen when I left home I had sworn I would never allow anyone to have control over me again. I have been so independent, living my life without having to answer to anyone and now after more than thirty years I’m seeking to have someone take control. I know this is different from what I grew up with but I’m having trouble separating the two. As well as breaking a promise to myself. I don’t like breaking promises however I do know at times one has to do so when one finds out the promise is doing more harm than good.

I woke to an email from another friend telling me my co-worker and friend is undergoing brain surgery today to remove the cancerous tumor. She has been given a two to five year prognosis of a survival rate for this type of cancer. In that same email I learned of another friend who had passed away from cancer, the year we moved here to BC.

I was doing really well at ignoring the fact that I have a doctor’s appointment coming up. I’m really good at doing this, at pushing things down and ignoring they exist. At least until someone hits me with a two-by-four like this morning. I can tell the friend who emailed me is not doing well with this news about our friend. I don’t want to have to tell her that I could be another. I have told no one else other than my boss and a very close male friend I work with. My boss needed to know because of the doctor’s appointments I’ll be having to make and take off time for work to go to. My close male friend and I work closely together and he would start to question all the doctor’s appointments. He had an interesting reaction. At first, I thought it was just him being self-centered when he changed the subject to work and talking about things I already knew about. Later he emailed me to apologize and said he had realized after our conversation had ended what he had done. It was his defense mechanism. It was not news he could handle right away and he had to let it absorb and slowly allow himself to accept the implications of what I told him.

I have known him for over twenty years. We worked together in the same office building not but a few cubicles apart for several years. I was attracted to him. He was as well to me however he was with someone. He is a man which no matter the situation, good or bad, he is loyal to the person he is with. I respect this about him. We have always been friends and over the years after I moved away, and we now live thousands of miles apart, we have grown closer in being able to discuss most anything but not all. There was a time when we talked about changing our relationship into something more than just friends and though I was willing, he was not. He didn’t want to lose our valuable friendship. I understood this and at the time was disappointed, however over the years in learning more and more about him, I have come to understand he was right in his decision. He would not have given me what I needed. He is however a very good friend.

So today, I am reminded of all these friends I have, all great distances from me. I don’t have any close friends here. I wish I did. Most everyone I meet has a family and established friends. I have never been a person who gathers a lot of friends or acquaintances. I prefer one or two close friends, but that just hasn’t happened here. There are people I know but no one I actually hang out with, sip some iced tea with, talk about old boyfriends or crappy relationships with. So hearing about friends I do have though they live far away are ill and possibly not long left on this earth, leaves me feeling sad and very much alone.

Today being a holiday I had not looked at my work email until just now. One of my co-worker’s father passed away last night. I feel like I’m being bombarded with all these messages and I have no idea what they are supposed to mean. I’m trying to remain positive but in light of all of this it grows increasingly difficult to do.

I am doing okay. I’m breathing as my Sir tells me to do all the time. I’m not feeling panicky or any anxiety. I’m not close to tears or anything like that. What I am? Well, that I’m not real sure. The state I’m in is calm. In some ways I feel like I’m watching someone else’s life that none of this is touching me.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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