A Submissive’s Journey – 20May2014 10:54am to 21May2014 3:58am

10:54am

Day 7, part 2:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 10 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1, with vibrator on

I took a shower and then came back and did another kneeling period.

Day 7, part 3:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 10 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1, with vibrator on

I’m half way through the last day of my assignment. With everything that is going on, I’m not sure I’m learning much from this assignment other than how to persevere. How to continue to serve my Sir even during times where I am distracted by other things going on which I have no control over. I also have the beginning feeling in the back of my nasal passage that I seem to get when I first start developing a cold. I would not be surprised if I am getting sick, I will however take my goldenseal and garlic pills to hopefully head this off at the pass. I feel myself going into dark places today and wanting to play with fire. Which would not be a good thing, I don’t need my Sir being disappointed in me for breaking rules. Times like this is when it is hard to be so far away from my Sir.

12:05pm

I don’t know why a doctor would tell me one thing and in the end it all ends up being something else. At first I was told she was setting up the request for the tests so they could be done while I was there and not waiting for long periods between. For instance if the first scan indicated a problem, then another different scan would be done immediately and then if that indicated a need then a needle biopsy would be performed. Instead I am called with the first scan to be done on the 5th of June, the next on the 18th of June. When I questioned if we could bypass the first scan they then scheduled me for an appointment with another doctor and was told this doctor could do what was needed. Today, I receive a call confirming the appointment for the second scan and to keep it in case the doctor wants one after he examines me. So that blows out the whole thing I was told when they set up the appointment with the doctor that he would be able to make a determination. Why does this have to be so complicated? Why not just do the second scan and be done with it? Either way I’m waiting until the 18th of June but they aren’t wasting my time and a doctor’s time and the scan would give details the doctor will need. I hear complaints all the time about cost of medical care and yet it is the healthcare systems that are dealing with my situation inefficiently and costly appointments instead of going straight to a simple scan that would evaluate my situation efficiently. Instead they are trying to run me all over town to multiple appointments and multiple scans which will just have me ending up in the end taking the simple scan that will make it clear one way or the other what will need to be done.

1:13pm

Day 7, part 4:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 10 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1, with vibrator on

2:28pm

Day 7, part 5:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 10 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1, with vibrator on

Only one more ten minute period to go which will be done just before bedtime. My arousal has been rather sharp today due to the cutting back my kneeling to ten minutes and increasing the number of kneeling periods. It has been good though. I enjoy this feeling. It is tempting to masturbate and cum following each session and even in the periods between my kneeling. It has definitely added an interesting element to my day. I have been tempted to ask my Sir to let me cum before my last kneeling period tonight, however, I maybe a masochist for I want to see what this feels like in holding off, in delaying, in feeling aroused all day long. It isn’t painful. Far from it. I enjoy it. The question is, do I enjoy it because he has taken control or is it because I enjoy withholding an orgasm? Or is it both? I suspect the latter.

3:43pm

I did not have to wait. In discussion with my Sir, I described to him how I was feeling. He liked that I did this and then told me to stand still with my hands behind my back and think about how my arousal was something he desired. Then to think of what I would say if I were to ask him for permission to cum. I did as he said then told him what I would say. He was pleased and told me I could cum and then told me to tell him how I feel. I was almost giddy and rushed off to please him, it almost caused me difficulty in letting go, but that didn’t last long. I then gave him a rather detailed description which he liked. And he thinks I have a sexy mind. I like his too.

So now I have this silly grin plastered on my face which will probably be there for the rest of the day.

10:28pm

I enjoy discussions with my Sir. Ever so slowly, ever so provocatively, he is becoming revealed to me. I like this as though I am slowly undressing him over the days and weeks. Yes, I am infatuated with him. He is my Teacher. A Teacher I trust, as I have trusted only a few teachers in my past. I can probably name them on one hand. However, he is my most intriguing Teacher by far.

I asked him tonight if he had other submissives. He said he has a couple he is trying to give a little help. I asked him if I was one he was just trying to give a little help to, and he told me I was one he was trying to help a lot. My Sir having other submissives did not bother me. It might have if he had said one was his mate. But this was not the case. I told him at times I have trouble keeping a proper perspective because he is awakening in me things which have been dormant all my life and I cannot deny that this brings forth strong feelings for him, of gratitude and caring deeply.

I was glad I had this discussion with him. I had also asked him what the proper protocol was if I should be approached by a Dominant locally. I felt I needed to know how he would feel about this along with what I should do. He told me I should be honest with the Dominant about my relationship with my Sir and I should let my Sir know as soon as possible. These were all things I had thought about doing, but then he told me he would want to talk with this person via email and eventually actually speak with him. This eased my mind greatly, knowing he would be looking out for me. I am not the best at being able to think reasonably when I meet someone who I might find attractive or of interest. I tend to let my emotions rule and my mind to shut down all precautions. Which is why I felt it important to know the proper protocols, when rules are in place I tend to follow them strictly. I did not have any in place in my past so I had no guidelines or rules to protect me. Knowing my Sir will be there to protect me is something I am growing to rely upon.

I have one more ten minute session of kneeling and my assignment will be completed. Though I will continue kneeling both morning and night following the completion of my assignment unless my Sir specifies I should do something different, I will be glad this assignment is complete.

When I agreed to accept the assignment, I took on two of the bonus points Xajow had listed as options to add. I took on Bonus point 2 to say the sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1 and Bonus point 3, to masturbate for five minutes prior to kneeling. Saying the sentences I felt would help me remain focused through the longer kneeling periods. I chose Bonus point 3 because for some reason thinking about masturbating before each kneeling period made me feel uncomfortable and I didn’t know why. I still don’t really know why however I find it interesting that I decided to add another element to the assignment in using a vibrator while I knelt. Telling my Sir about this had him add this to my assignment. I now no longer feel uncomfortable about masturbating and in fact enjoyed it along with the added element of the vibrator but today this element had me very much on edge the whole day until my Sir permitted me to cum without waiting for the final kneeling period of the day. Doing so, left me feeling sated and very calm. It helped take off the edge and balance me emotionally from all the turmoil of earlier in the day. It is amazing what a release will do.

Tomorrow we talk about more rules and he has selected a nickname for me. I am excited to find out what it is. I am only slightly nervous about what rules he might put in place. Where I once harbored fear about such things I am finding he is eroding most of my fears at least in regards to him and what he might do. He has never given me reason to fear him. Any fear I feel is residual from past experiences usually stemming from my childhood or the last relationship I had. I am sorry my Sir has to deal with these issues however I am grateful he is willing to do so. Every step he has taken with me has been to help me improve to get past my fears to open myself up to him. I could never have done this with a therapist. In fact, I have always avoided therapists because I never felt I could trust them. They would not be able to work with me on the level that my Sir does. Therapists are bound by what is considered proper conduct with their patients. What my Sir does would most likely never fall within those guidelines and I would not want what he does to fall within those guidelines. What he does is proper for what I need and I seek and what will help me to heal. And no therapist could do this without stepping beyond the boundaries that have been set for them between doctor and patient. I could never explain to my friends who suggested therapy as a possible help to me as to why I never felt it would help. It might have in small ways but not in the way I needed in the deepest part of me.

11:59pm

Day 7, part 6:

  • 5 minutes masturbation prior to kneeling
  • 10 minutes kneeling, saying both groups of sentences from Sub Assignment Number 1, with vibrator on

My assignment is now complete. It feels good to have completed it. I am glad it is over. I cannot imagine me doing it again, at least not now, not at this moment in time. Maybe later with different things going on in my life, maybe then I could approach it again and have a desire to see it through again. But not right now.

I did masturbate to an orgasm afterwards. The orgasm did not come as easily as it did earlier in the day when my Sir gave me permission to cum when I was so much on edge. That orgasm had removed the desire to play with fire. To do things that could have had me breaking rules. I could see how alluring it could be to want to break them, to want to play on that edge. I’m usually not an edge type of gal. I usually like to play in the middle of an open field where I can see all the obstacles, all the boundaries. But earlier that edge beckoned, that edge was built out of the unknown, the constant reminders of the fear lurking in the background, edged with the arousal which would not subside and which I played with like one would play with a rabid dog that you knew could turn and bite you at any moment but at the moment you were having too much fun just playing with you did not see the signs or the frothing of the mouth. That orgasm took me off the edge and put me back in the middle of the field. It took away the rabid dog before it bit me. Then it left me with the understanding of how tempting it could be. I am thankful my Sir was there and saw my need.

3:58am

I had no intention of waking this early in the morning, but our neighbor’s dog was barking. It has this weird bark with a sort of howl that has a bit of a whine in it that just disturbs me. It will be leaving in a little over a month and I will be so glad to have it depart. Our landlord returns the first of July. In many ways I am glad of her return. In other ways, I am hesitant at their return. They will have been gone almost two years. I am hoping the things that irritated me before will not be an irritant this time. Her boys were early risers and would play in the room over top of my bedroom and wake me early. That was when I enjoyed sleeping in as late as I could but with me now waking early and enjoying waking up maybe that will be different. They also left toys and things lying about that I could trip over or would be in the walk or in the driveway. This I will just have to address with them if it returns to be the case. For my daughter this means her playmates are back which she has missed. For us both it will be like having family back. They treated us like family from the moment we moved here and opened their doors to us, sometimes inviting us for holiday dinners and other times we took care of their animals and place when they took off camping or on vacation. We will enjoy having them back. Her husband won’t be back for another year so I’m sure she and I will become closer as she lives almost like a single parent during that year. The difference is she knows it is only temporary and she has her husband to talk to on the other end of a phone, a man who supports her and cares for her. I may not have exactly what she has but I do now have someone who supports me and cares for me. My Sir is good at this and expresses it in ways which leave me in little doubt. Last night’s talk was helpful in understanding where my boundaries are in relationship to him. It would be so easy to cross them and misunderstand his intentions, so I am glad we had that talk. I am going to try and sleep again.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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