Ten minutes kneeling and saying the new mantra. I will keep to ten minutes until this cold passes. I am tired and should have been in bed an hour ago.
I woke at 7:15am when my alarm went off. It felt good to sleep through the night for a change. I rose and did my kneeling, saying the new mantra. Then found my daughter already awake. This happened yesterday too. She said she woke at 5am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Yesterday she had her shower and was all ready for school in plenty of time to walk. She said since I wasn’t feeling well she would walk to school. This morning it is raining so I will drive her.
She has been doing well with her chores. The schedule she put on her calendar which feeds into my phone is good. It reminds her of the things she needs to do and in many cases she has already started them.
Last night my Sir and I talked about clothing. He showed me examples of what he likes. I was glad to see we have similar tastes in clothing. Even in preferring boots. So this morning I’ve been taking measurements and making a record of them so I’ll have the information I need when shopping especially online.
I really like that he shared with me his likes and dislikes. This takes the guess work out of trying to figure it out on my own. I mean, most women when they are dating a man or have a significant other, will try to dress in clothing that he’ll like but most men don’t express their real likes or dislikes. If asked by a woman if he likes what she is wearing he’ll almost always say yes even if he doesn’t like it. He does this to try and spare her feelings, when all he is doing is making her believe a falsehood which she starts perpetuating because of this false understanding of what she thinks he likes. Then she wonders why he doesn’t seem to appreciate her efforts to please him. Knowing up front what my Sir likes and dislikes is so much better than having to try and guess and hope I am pleasing him.
This morning I am feeling a bit better. I’m still a bit tired and have slight congestion but the irritated throat is gone. I will try to rest most of the day again today. I am glad I have a job where I can do that. I can catch up if I need to by working a few hours over the weekend or by adding an hour onto my work days next week if I need to. My leader is pretty flexible in this since he is aware we often have to work evenings or weekends and often still work a full forty hour week on top of the evening or weekend work. I know some of my co-workers will put in sixty hours or more in a week. I try not to do that however there are times when work requires it if timelines are being pushed or jeopardized.
There was one other thing that came to mind last night which I wanted to write about in my journal. I read a post which mentioned self-hatred and how our thoughts can be very negative towards ourselves. I was preparing to comment when I realized most if not all of those types of thoughts are no longer rattling around in my head. I believe these thoughts ceased from the time I took up the first Sub Assignment. When I knelt that first time it was like stepping into my real skin and embracing myself. Other than looking at the weight I want to lose there really isn’t any more of the dark and ugly thoughts I used to have about myself. Even when I try to think of them, I don’t find them easily and if I do find them, I feel a sort of disgust towards them and feel myself rejecting them. Could these thoughts all stem from the simple fact that I hated myself because I was really rejecting my true nature all my life until now?
We live in a society where people are told what they should think, how they should act, what they should believe in, what they should wear, how their bodies are only beautiful if they are like the models and superstars. If we do not accept this and conform then we are taught we will not be accepted. No wonder so many people end up in therapy. I’ve never been in therapy but I’ve seen enough examples and I’ve known enough people who have been to know therapist do not try and find your true nature and help you accept it. They too work on trying to conform you, teach you to brainwash yourself into believing you will only be happy if you turn away all the negative thoughts and conform to what society deems you should be.
It is a sad world where people cannot be who they really are and live openly without criticism. I know this path I am on will not be acceptable to some of my friends. To others they will be happy if they see that I am happy. I’m just glad the dark thoughts are no longer with me and that I have found this path which makes me very happy and the changes I have been wanting in my life are emerging.