Last night I disappointed my Sir. I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t that I wasn’t trying, or rather I was trying but for the wrong reason. My Sir had decided it was time to reward me for being such a good girl in following the rules he had put in place. I was excited to find out what the reward was. To be honest, I had my suspicions and if those suspicions came to be true I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.
My suspicions did pan out. He wanted to reward me by talking me through an orgasm. This would be done through chat and not via phone. When he told me, I confessed to him that I was not sure how well it would work. So, what I did was automatically start out thinking negatively. This alone did not give him the respect he deserved. I was already looking at failing him. In essence, I was rejecting his offer of a reward. Not because I did not think I deserved it, but because it was not in the form of which I wanted it to be. A phone call might have been better I had told him in the end when I had not had an orgasm. This is not how I had wanted it to go. I knew this is not what he had hoped for.
For at least the first two-thirds of the scenario he took the effort to create, I was not aroused. I did not become wet. My mind kept thinking this will not work. Instead of doing what I knew would arouse me, I tried to pretend my hands were his and follow the script he laid out. I was too busy trying to do everything exactly as he was writing it, I did not focus on just pleasing him.
I have to admit I have in my past been involved with cybersex to the point that it basically became something which represented men who just wanted to use me for their gratification. It got to the point that I just went through the motions so they could get off while I never did, or even wanted to. Then I stopped it all together and if a man approached me with any indication that they wanted to have cybersex, then I told them adios and went on my merry way elsewhere. I did tell my Sir when I told him I was not sure how well this would work that I had in the past had men want to do cybersex and I did not enjoy it because it felt too fake, too forced, too much like play acting and that I did not want that between us. He understood and asked me to try and look at it as one of my fantasies which he was directing.
I tried. At least I felt I tried at the time. Afterwards, I am not so sure I really did try. I do not think I allowed myself to get past the feelings the other cybersex situations aroused in me. It wasn’t until at least two-thirds of the way through when he started using a technique that made me realize I would fail to please him that I started becoming aroused. By the end I was so close to cumming but yet I couldn’t. I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t allow myself to be in the moment. He started to blame himself and I could not allow that for I knew I had pretty much set myself up from the start to fail. I did not submit as a good submissive should. I allowed previous situations to come between us and the pleasure my Sir had wanted to reward me with. I did him a disservice.
If I were in his physical presence I would be kneeling at his feet asking him for his forgiveness.
I wrote him this morning, asking that very thing. I also told him of my own problems with reaching orgasm, even during masturbation. In the past, I’ve always had problems reaching orgasm with men. I’ve never been able to totally let go. I used to be able to have orgasms in masturbation just imagining being in a man’s arms who tenderly made love to me. I don’t know when it changed but most assuredly after my last relationship or during it. I am not sure if I can explain the dynamics of that relationship but it had undertones of abuse. And yet at times it was the best sex I ever had and the best orgasms. I could cum with him almost every time. I feel ashamed at times when I think about it because there were parts of the sex I hated and yet I never put a stop to it. I performed it anyway. I don’t think I did so because I was afraid and sometimes I’m more afraid to really look at why I allowed what I did. Maybe this is the crux of my problem and maybe I think this is all I deserve. I don’t want to think this is what I need because I don’t want to end up in another situation like I had. But for some reason now when I masturbate I can’t cum unless I’m thinking of something taboo, or pain is involved, or the scenario involves being forced or multiple partners are using me.
So last night’s scenario was rather tame, nothing close to what brings me to an orgasm when I masturbate, throw on top of that the similarities to unknown men wanting cybersex and my own negative thoughts and I failed my Sir in accepting his reward of his intention of wanting to give me pleasure. This was not how I had wanted it to go. I do not think if we had done this over the phone that it would have been any different. I feel like a broken toy, that the toy maker has diligently worked to repair to only have the toy tear itself apart again in defiance of the toy maker. This is not what I wanted. I know this is not what my Sir wanted either. I cannot allow my Sir to blame himself, for I never told him about this and for this, I kneel and ask his forgiveness.
I performed my kneeling this morning upon rising and getting my daughter ready for school. Then I sat down and wrote the email to my Sir and then wrote this rather embarrassing entry for my journal. I could not leave this out for it would not be a true accounting of my journey if it was not included.
I am sitting here wondering what all this means going forward. I want to leave all my past behind. I want to be able to relate to my Sir in all ways without my past hindering me. In this I feel I have a long way to go and I have no idea how we will get there. In his physical presence I think much of this could be transformed, I’m just not sure how it can be with such a great distance between us. It isn’t that I am unwilling to try. I’m just having difficulty seeing how it can be done. Maybe in time, as we grow more in knowing each other, or maybe as trust grows more as we face other issues. Maybe it is just that my level of trust is not where it needs to be for me to let down those walls I’ve constructed over the years. Maybe I need him to take a firmer hand, and leave a few handprints upon my lily white bottom for being such a stubborn wench.
In other parts of my life, my daughter when attempting to adjust the angle of the laptop screen on her computer ended up with the screen cracking. She was very upset and told me she had not touched it hard at all. It is a good thing I purchased a three year warranty with accidental damage protection with pickup repair option. It still means she will not have a computer for probably at least two weeks. I have no doubt this repair alone is worth the cost of the extended warranty I purchased. I am glad I purchased it. It is however interesting that this damage occurred almost a year to the day after we purchased the new laptop. It would have been out of warranty if I had not purchased additional coverage.
I am sitting her watching my daughter play Bioshock 2 on the Xbox. She keeps dying. When my daughter first started playing video games she used to get so upset whenever the character she was playing died. It took many times of this to happen before she started taking it in stride, in fact I remember playing a game with her one time where the character I played died and I shouted, ‘Whoo hoo! I died!’ as if in celebration. She looked at me kind of funny but then suddenly it made sense to her that dying could be looked at as fun instead of a tragedy, that she could learn something from it.
Many people consider violent video games or movies as being bad in that they desensitize kids to death and how horrific it can be. I watch my daughter play these games and I do not see it as such. I see her learning from the situations. She learns to protect herself better to be ever watchful of what is going on around her. If she carries this through into her real life then I can only see it as a positive thing.
For me, I can also take a lesson from this. To know that I can learn from the situation at hand. That just because I failed doesn’t mean it is the end or that things cannot change for the better. They will only stay the same if I choose not to want to dig in, self-evaluate, and learn to understand the ‘why’ of what happened.
I know I have these blocks. They were put in place to protect me from predators or those who cared very little for how their actions affected me. I know this is not the case with my Sir. He values me. He wants me to grow as a submissive, as a person. He does not want me to be hindered by my past.
I was uncomfortable with how he wanted to reward me but in this I have learned this is something I need to work on. I need to know I can trust him. That he will not be a person who will use me in the way others have without regard to my wellbeing. I will in time come to know his reward was really out of his respect for me and that he truly wanted to give me pleasure in return for the pleasure I have given him.
Just as in the beginning every communication I received from him sent a chill of fear through me and with every subsequent communication that fear lessoned so shall I learn to be able to remove the protective barriers I have erected over the years. It saddens me to think as we run into these blocks or barriers that they might cause him to question his choices in what he has chosen for me. So far, I feel he has been very wise in his choices, even last night’s situation was a wise choice for it has revealed to us both an area within me that needs work, needs healing. I have no doubt, in time, this too shall be something I can move beyond and leave behind.