Ten minutes kneeling and saying the mantra. I also walked today for twenty minutes.
Tonight my Sir tried again to talk me through an orgasm. This time it worked. The scene he created was much more exciting, more in line with what arouses me. This was good.
My morning kneeling complete after a very restless night filled with dreams of traveling and detours, slushy snow I walk through in boots while I carry my shoes. The detour taking me through a business supply store and a woman asking me for my boots. I hand them to her but don’t put on my shoes then make my way to the other side of the store where a woman waits and a lego puzzle is strewn on the floor, partially put together. I sit to put my shoes on and the chair rocks slipping, demolishing part of the lego puzzle. She gives me work to do before I can leave and I go find the man. I am to fill his drinking bottle which I do with root beer but it isn’t large enough so I pour it into another drinking container putting the neck of the bottle in so tight all the liquid can’t run out until I lift it out so air can be displaced. Then I have to go back to the other side of the business supply store where I entered to get my car and drive it through the parking lot to the other side to get around the detour.
I enjoy how dreams don’t have to make sense, but if you look closely one can see some of the connections to one’s life and what the sub-conscious is attempting to work out.
I however feel as though I have been wrestling with this dream throughout the night waking and returning to it probably a dozen times though I did not count. I’ve done this before, waking in the middle of a dream and returning to the same place I left it to continue my journey in it. Like living another life within a life.
So I’m tired this morning, not really feeling rested but I am happy. I feel last night was a sort of breakthrough for me and my Sir. He read my email. He understood. Told me, he forgave me though there was nothing to forgive. He told me he wanted to try again. He felt I really deserved the reward. This time he was successful. This time I did not freeze up or let any barriers interfere. This time I feel we shared something very special.
Our discussions the past couple of nights has revealed more about my Sir. It pains me to think he has had to suppress parts of himself because of society’s narrowed mindedness. It however is not much different than what I have had to suppress about myself other than being a single man who enjoys being around children. Women are freer to be able to do so without society’s narrowed thinking that such men intend harm to children or that it somehow reflects weakness or gives them an image which is less desirable. I, a single mother, who has often wished her daughter had a constant father figure in her life finds it sad that a man who could and would provide value to another child’s life is forced to suppress this part of himself because of society’s fears. It sickens me. It also angers me. I would dearly love to have a man be willing to be there for my daughter whether we were a couple or not. Her own father chose to not be there for her even before he did his appalling act with his older daughter that landed him in jail. Men such as him ruin it for men such as my Sir who would be supportive and encouraging to other children like my daughter who do not have such men in their lives. I told my Sir I would not have a problem if he wanted to be part of my daughter’s life especially if she liked him and respected him. I do not understand a society that without justification can do this to people. I have felt this myself when I’ve been out and see a child who is in need, how my own actions could be viewed as questionable if I try and step in to help that child not knowing if a parent is close by and just doesn’t see. What has our society come to? What have we as a people allowed happen just because of a few cases of others acting inappropriately? We let our fears rule us instead of compassion.
I just had some good news. All my blood tests came back normal except my testosterone levels were high, so I emailed my naturopath the results so she could request any adjustments she felt were necessary. I was not sure if the normal levels I was told for testosterone were that of someone my age or for optimum levels.
I wrote a poem yesterday during the time when I was still mentally sorting through what had happened the night before with not being able to have an orgasm. As usual my poetry contains a lot of my emotional state when I write them. This is no longer how I am feeling but it is a record of my feelings for at least the first half of my day and before hearing from my Sir. I will be posting this shortly.
I have never had anyone be able to calm me emotionally like my Sir is able to do. I am finding this curious. That is to say, I wonder if this is something unique to him, or is it unique to a Dominant? Or is it unique because he is my Dominant and I trust him? Would I ever have this with another Dominant? On one hand I want this to be unique to my Sir, on the other hand if what we have goes no further than him being my trainer, I hope it is not unique to just him, however, I have a feeling this would not be easy to find with another. And at times, I find myself not wanting to find it with another. I don’t want to think that what my Sir and I have is not unique or will not be forever. And yet, I need to keep my perspective. There just might be too many obstacles. So I try really hard to take one day at a time. There are just too many variables to do otherwise.
I need to get back to work. I put in my ben wa balls for my couple hours a week, a rule my Sir put in place.