Ten minutes kneeling and saying the mantra. Between each repetition of the mantra, I take three deep breaths visualizing each breath taking in cleansing air and with each exhale releasing toxic disease and unhealthy substances from my body.
Today’s exercise with the ben wa balls revealed they cause a slow buildup of arousal even though I barely feel them. I had left them in far longer than I had planned to and in the end I had to ask my Sir permission to cum since I had already had one orgasm that morning. My Sir was pleased to learn the effects the ben wa balls have on me. He is devious. *grin*
This evening I started getting one of my migraines. They are usually caused from stress on my neck. Luckily, though Advil did not help, Tylenol did.
Kneeling completed, I started reading blogs. I do enjoy one of the blogs I follow. She asks questions I don’t seem to, however the questions are in the background of my thoughts. I am finding my mind works strangely. I don’t seem to ask questions directly like she does but somehow in my self-analysis those questions seem to be answered in the way I think about things and myself. Today she seemed to be trying to place herself into a specific category or maybe she is just starting to see the many facets of who she is. I like that I am not all one type of submissive or another. I also like that I choose to not be one type or another. I choose to not be a brat. While others seem to be mostly that and seem to be proud of being so, or it just seems that way in my reading and I could be wrong in thinking they are proud of it. I could not be proud of being a brat, a brat just has never been who I am, even when I was a child craving attention. I wanted and still do want attention because I deserve it and because my Sir wants and desires to give it. I have had many opportunities to act out to not follow the rules given me. I have even thought about it knowing he would not know if I chose not to tell him but I could not do it, or rather I do not want to do it. I do not want to destroy his trust in me. Nor do I want to destroy what I am working towards. This is just too important to me.
Last night my Sir and I discussed how in some ways our lives are similar and yet different. He says he is weird where as I have never thought of myself as weird, I have always known I am different. I never fit in anywhere. I kept my thoughts internalized because they were always so different from what others voiced around me and within the world. He found women were not interested in him and he equated this to his weirdness. I on the other hand could usually get any man I set my sights on however when I got them they were not what I needed, which totally confused me. We both seemed to be around those who did not want to understand us or did not care to.
To see this aspect of a Dominant’s life that they would find it a struggle to find a submissive that fits what they need gives me a different perspective on Dominants as men. Of the good Dominants I have become aware of, they seem to have a code of honor about them in that they try to never use or abuse a submissive. I have known many men in my life that were not Dominants. I could and have had them sexually when I wanted to. I can see this now as a weakness in them for they gave in for the sex and not any other reason. They ignored whatever code they may have or they have no code of honor at all but then neither did I at least not any like what society or churches try to make us believe in. I searched for something I didn’t understand and relied upon instinct or feelings to tell me when I hadn’t found it. I lived within a community, moving around within it never leaving it, looking for something I would never find there. It took me years to realize I had to leave it, a place I was familiar with, and venture into the unknown in order to find what I was looking for. I think all of us in the D/s world had to do this at some point in our lives.
I have delayed making my journal entry. First, I was distracted. I did not want to dwell on the doctor’s appointment I had today, so I read blogs, and focused on work and stayed away from my journal. Second, because I wanted to wait until I spoke with the doctor so I could post what if anything I found out.
I left the surgeon’s office around 4:30pm. The only information I gained was the knowledge that he does not like the lump in my breast. He could not make a determination one way or the other whether it was cancer. He scheduled a core biopsy for Friday, yes, this Friday, which he said he would do during his lunch hour. First, he did not want me waiting for a long period of time and he wanted to know as soon as possible what we are dealing with. He said once the biopsy was done he would know within a week the results. Until then, he was ordering a mammogram for just in case, if the biopsy shows cancer then he will want a mammogram and the ultrasound which I still have scheduled will help give a more thorough scan of my chest. He told me to be positive, just because he couldn’t rule out cancer doesn’t mean it is so, until we know he told me to try and think positively that it isn’t. I also told him if the biopsy shows cancer that I did not want to do chemo or radiation treatments, and that I wanted to work closely with my naturopath on other options. I just wanted him to know where I was coming from if the results were that of cancer. He understood and said he would work with me and we would discuss other options if that is the case. I like him. I like him a lot. Which I think is why I have not collapsed emotionally like I did when I saw my other doctor and her attitude was rather condescending and did not respect my concerns.
So Friday I have this biopsy that will leave my sore and bruised and I am trying to decide what to tell my daughter. I do not want her scared or worried but I have never been one to keep her in the dark either. I will need to explain to her what is going on. At first I thought not to do so until she came home from school on Friday but for her to come home to me being sore and bruised would not be good, so I need to prepare her. This will not be easy.