A Submissive’s Journey – 31May2014


I woke before my alarm this morning around 7:30am. Sleep was good, no pain or discomfort. I had expected to end up rolling over and bumping the biopsy location and having pain but that didn’t happen.

What did happen was having an unexpected dream about the man from my last relationship. And the form it took. As if he and I were still together and I had to make a decision. We were staying in this unique hotel. It had the look and feel of a regular posh hotel except that most of it was made out of earth and trees. He and I were staying together in the same room, but at one point he walked out, leaving me there alone. His leaving was that of a man leaving a relationship taking his things with him, except when I looked he had left two of his journals and a shoe and a box of odds and ends. I picked up his journals off the floor thought how interesting it was that he left them. I thought to read them but instead placed them in the box with his other things he had left behind. Then a man from the hotel came by and showed me where he was. That he hadn’t left but that I had a decision to make. My daughter was sitting next to him and I could hear him talking to her as if I were right there in front of them instead of being several floors above and thousands of yards away. He told her that I had a decision to make and they would wait there for me for as long as it took for me to find them. This was not the man I knew. I found a place that was like a slide that would take me to them as quickly as possible. I wanted to be there, my choice had been made.

This dream bothers me but only because the man was in the image of the man in my last relationship. But the person in my dream was nothing like him. I was told one time that all the characters in our dreams are portions of ourselves. If this is true then the man in my dream was really a part of me and my daughter was another part of me. Looking at it this way it all makes sense for I am bringing together all the parts of me to finally make me whole.

Today I go to my chiropractor. We’ll be out most of the day. I looked at my breast and there is no bruising like the doctor warned me about. The only bruising I see is localized to the spot where they did the biopsy.

My naturopath when she found out how quickly the biopsy had been scheduled told me, ‘Wow, what a whirlwind.’ She is right. Next Friday will be a mammogram followed by my follow-up with my doctor telling me the results of the biopsy. An ultrasound is scheduled for the 18th but I wonder if even that might not end up earlier than expected. Everything is falling into place like a well laid out puzzle almost as though now that I made the decision there is no stopping it. Doors are being thrown wide open. Something is happening here for which I do not have the whole picture. There is a reason this is happening now and in the way it is. I cannot close my eyes to what this may mean.

I’ve been in two near death situations in my life. One when I was in my truck, with an eighteen wheeler barreling down on me with nowhere to go but into the back of my vehicle. I was at a complete stop when I saw the truck come over the top of the hill behind me. I watched in my rearview mirror and I knew I was soon to be either in lots of pain or dead. Time slowed down. I looked in front of me and suddenly the traffic started moving again and I moved forward giving the eighteen wheeler just enough room to pass between me and the concrete railing of the bridge and into the grass medium. Then I watched as distance opened between cars in front of me while the eighteen wheeler crossed over two lanes of traffic in those gaps and then into the exit ramp while not touching a single vehicle in the bumper to bumper traffic. The truck had to have been moving at least 55 or 60 miles per hour when he crested the hill behind me and his momentum had not slowed down much through the whole scene as I watched.

The other one was when I lay in my bed of my home, and I had stopped breathing in my sleep. There is no doubt I had almost died. I had been told it was not my time yet. I see the scene before me as if it had happened only yesterday or last night. But when I woke I gasped for air like a person who had been jolted back to life and gasped their first breath. Most would say all I had was a dream but I don’t care what others think. I know what I know. It was not my time. This is not my time either. When it is my time, I will know it, and I will not be afraid. What I saw has left me without fear of dying. The only fear I feel is for my daughter. I still have work left and she still has a need for me. This is what I see as I see all these pieces of the puzzle falling into place.

About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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