I still do my morning and evening ritual of kneeling and saying the mantra. These are not things I forget to do. They ground me. They connect me to being submissive. Though things throughout my day reminds me often of being submissive there are few things physically that enforce it. Most is all mental at this point and I often wonder how I would respond if I were in the presence of a Dominant who wanted to be part of my life. These are things I often think about.
This is not to say that what my Sir is helping me with isn’t important. Back in April when I met him, I had no idea how I would respond to anyone setting rules and slowly initiating control in my life. He is helping me to understand this and to experience some of it. I find myself not only thriving in the rules he has set but also not really feeling as though the rules are any burden or difficult to keep. In fact, most times I do not feel as though I have any rules. They are just things I want to do because this is what my Sir desires for me to do.
In my world which is quickly moving into areas that I have very little control over, even just the small amount of control he has exerted has given me a sense of stability. An area to focus on which gives me a sense of emotional stability. Even if another part of my life spirals out of control, I know this one small part of my life will be in his control and that somehow gives my emotions a place to focus and for calm to reign.
I just sent my Sir my weekly schedule.
I just completed my evening kneeling and saying of the mantra. Again this grounds me. It helps me to focus. Today, my focus has been off. It has been in what I call ‘the in-between world’. I’m caught between the desire to continue with my Teacher and wanting to have a Dominant’s physical presence. I spoke to my Teacher about this and he is very supportive of me finding a good Dominant locally. I read what others have, those who are in good D/s relationships and I want more. But then I’m also facing uncertain times ahead and I so wish I had someone here I could lean upon, someone who would just walk up and tell me he will take care of me. I don’t want to have to make the decisions I am sure I will be facing. But then how could I expect someone else to make them for me? That is a heavy load to place on someone.
In reading my previous journal entry I realize I was wrong. I was in three near death situations. The other one was when I was only around twenty-one and I went in to have my wisdom teeth removed. I woke half way through the procedure when they were working on the third molar. They asked me if I wanted to be put back to sleep and I shook my head no. So I was awake through the last two teeth being pulled. They had all been either impacted or partially impacted. When I left they gave me a prescription for Tylenol-3 with instructions to take one when I got home. Which I did, I slept and my boyfriend woke me every hour to change the gauze. After the second time of changing the gauze and he left me to sleep I woke shortly after feeling sick to my stomach so I went to the bathroom thinking I would throw up. But I didn’t. I felt so sick though I wanted to call out to my boyfriend but I felt too weak and I was sure he hadn’t heard. The next thing I knew, I was waking up and seeing my boyfriend’s hand slapping me across the face trying to get me to wake up. I found out later I had passed out, the gauze lodged in my throat blocking my airway and he had to use pressure points to get my jaws to unlock so he could remove the gauze and get me breathing again. I was lucky he had listened to his instincts to check on me or I would have died. I could not stand, so he had to pick me up and carry me out to my car and rush me to the hospital while my stomach was cramping and I slouched in the front seat occasionally throwing up the blood that had gathered in my stomach from my teeth being pulled. At the hospital my temperature was around 96 degrees and I was unable to sit in the chair they had my boyfriend place me in. They took me into emergency care, stripped me of my clothes to examine me which they had to have someone pull my legs down straight in order to get my shorts off of me. They tried to take blood from a vein in my hand but the guy trying to take it couldn’t get the vein and each jab felt like a knife being poked into my hand, finally the doctor took the needle and did it in his first attempt. After that they gave me something to counteract the codeine in the Tylenol-3 and I started feeling immediately better. My boyfriend asked me if I saw anything when I was out from not breathing and that time I didn’t see anything. That time there was no need to talk to me for my boyfriend had been there to save me. If I had been in the hospital which was their policy in the military to do when someone lives in the dorms and is single, I would have died. I have no doubt about it.