I woke early my brain too active to let me go back to sleep.
My Sir told me yesterday “You are progressing well. You have a better grasp of being submissive than some others I have known.”
What does that mean? I am not sure I really know. This morning my brain just can’t wrap itself around that statement. I struggle even now trying to put into words what is going through my head. Most of what I understand is all mental, but it has been there all of my life. Even in the beginning with a domineering father until the end with a domineering man who became the father of my child. At no time did I ever truly submit. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. It was because no one deserved my submission.
He said the above statement after I described yet another fantasy scene I use for masturbating to an orgasm. All of my fantasies are about pleasing men sexually. Doing so by letting them do what they want with me which takes me to an orgasmic release. Mentally, I may be able to let a man do whatever he wants to do with my body, but it doesn’t mean I’ll be able to submit when physically with a man. There is so much more that occurs when one is physically in another’s presence. Then too the reality of actual submission, transforming the mental processes into reality, will, I have no doubt, bring forth so much more which lays hidden under the surface. Will anyone be willing to go there with me? Will anyone ever be willing to understand and lead me through all the traps that lie in wait? Will anyone ever be willing to hold me and never let me go when the feelings over take me of my need to run and hide? And what will this evoke in that person? Will what I need be too much for him?
I spoke yesterday about wishing a good Dominant man would approach me and want to take care of me. This isn’t just because of the unknown about to possibly consume me. This feeling has been with me since I was a child. As I grew into an adult, those feelings have not diminished, though at the time I tried hard to destroy them, to tell myself those feelings come from the many Disney films I watched of princesses and maidens being rescued by their prince or knight in shining armor. No matter how hard I tried that feeling has never gone away. Men I was with could never rise up to the challenge who was me.
The only thing I understand about being submissive is what burns deep within me. This comes to the surface with my Sir. What I have experienced with him makes me crave more. When that will happen, how it will happen, I have no idea. But that it will happen, I have no doubt. It is just to what degree and with who.
It hurts sometimes to read what others write, to feel within their words the extra-ordinary love they feel for one another and the experiences they have. I have craved this for as long as I can remember and at times I have railed against the world for its absence in my life. I have known it exists. I have known it will take work. What I could not accept was for it to never be found, for it to be forever absent from my life. I feel at times like I’ve known of its existence because I lived it in another life, or maybe I squandered it in that other life and now I’m paying for having done so.
We try to find reasons for everything that happens in our life. Or at least I do. I have to know something happens for a reason. If I take a particular turn is it to bring me to something I need that will take me to something else that will help me see something very important about myself? When I look back I can see so many paths I took had kept me really on the same path of denial, of ignoring this part of myself that had been fighting to be let out, to be accepted, to be loved. And yet each time I had attempted to do so, I felt slapped down. Which made me want to hide it all the deeper.
What is it about now that makes me finally want to cast all fear to the winds and let it free? Is it because I’ve finally reached the bottom of my well and found it empty, dry, and paved over in stone, a dry wasteland, realizing I have nothing to fill it?
What is it about today that makes me want to ask all these questions? What is it about today which has me feeling this way? Is it some of the reading I am doing or is it something else? In reality, I am sure it is a mixture of everything that is going on in my life. It isn’t the first time I’m faced with the reality of my mortality. I’ve faced too many things in my life to not know of it, to not accept it. What I find hard to believe is that I will live my life without fully experiencing my submissive nature in a good D/s relationship. Doing so would be like standing at the gates of heaven and looking through to all that is possible beyond those gates but never being allowed to walk through them.
Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit in comparing a good D/s relationship to heaven but I think the comparison brings home just how much longing there is within me. One of my experiences in life had me looking at that bright light feeling how wonderful, how absolutely beautiful it is, filling me with all the love and acceptance, joy and pure happiness to only be told it was not my time yet. When I came to, when I realized what had happened, it left me feeling despondent. I knew nothing in my life would compare to what I felt coming from that beautifully bright light that called to me. The closest I’ve ever come was in this feeling I get whenever I submit.
Am I wrong to reach for this each time I submit? Am I wrong to desire this feeling over and over again? To want to find that one man who can be with me, who desires to be with me, who wants to help me reach this every possible moment with him by my side? Is this what my Sir sees or means when he says I understand submission more than others he has known?