I wasn’t going to post this, in fact, I have been thinking about my online journal and whether I should be posting online. I am finding I at times consider filtering my online blog for various reasons. I do want to tell my story, but there are some things that maybe I should not tell. Some things that should remain private at least to the public and be only spoken about in general terms. If this is the case, then I will need to maintain a private journal which can somehow be shared with my Sir. And this I will need to discuss with my Sir. For now, however, I have decided to post while keeping some things in general terms for now. I hope those who read will understand.
I am trying to work out the appearance of a fissure which has slowly manifested between my Sir and me. It might only be a perception from my side of things, and may actually be grounded in my past. There are similarities I am struggling with which for me seems hugely important. I don’t like to think I am narrow minded or trying to change someone into being something they are not. But what is one to think of a person who states they are Dominant and would like to have a submissive and yet there are aspects of his life which he seems to not control. I do not say this to malign my Sir. I am just trying to work this out in my seemingly feeble mind. I am new to D/s, new to learning about submission. I do not mean to say this in a criticizing manner and yet I can see how it would be perceived as such. How can I as a submissive turn over complete control to someone who appears to not have control in his own life? I feel this fissure growing and I do not know what to do about it. I want my Sir to succeed in all he does. I know there is most likely a lot I am not seeing or privy to which makes this even harder to understand. My feelings are grounded on what I know, what I am told and what I comprehend.
Today, my Sir came online in chat for only a couple minutes. He asked how I was doing. I told him I was well. I asked how he was doing and he told me he was well enough. When I asked how his day was he said it was okay. Then he said he would talk to me later. I felt there was more to his popping online and yet he said nothing. Then after he signed off an email from him popped into my inbox, telling me he had read my journal online and that it gladdens him but also breaks his heart.
I feel like this is all becoming a jumbled mess. I wrote back, I told him what I stated above about similarities that were bothering me. I feel the fissure widening and distance coming between us. In some ways I already feel myself separating from him. I don’t want that to happen and yet I don’t see how it cannot with what my recent studies have helped me to understand.
I had hoped from the beginning that somehow things could work out that he and I would be together. However, I have stopped with the fairy tale and started looking at reality. I do not want to put the details of his personal life here. It really isn’t my place to do so, however there is a major area in his life that by all appearances is not in his control and he has not stepped up and taken the reigns to bring it under his control. But this is his choice. I do not condemn his choices. I do not judge his choices. These are his decisions to make. I however have to look at the big picture. How, can I as a submissive place all my trust in him to take control of me and my life if he does not exhibit control in his own life? Okay, maybe he does have control and in so doing, is how he has control something I can live with? And that is the true reality I am looking at. If this is the type of control he has in his life, then I must step back for it is not the type of control I want in my life. I need someone who will step up, take control, and take action if it is needed even if it means stepping through fears and insecurities. A Dominant who cannot step through his own fear and insecurities cannot help lead me through mine.
I have sought knowledge. I have sought understanding. I just didn’t think this knowledge and understanding would lead me down this path so soon.
The question that now hovers in my thoughts is, is this what I came here to learn and is there any more I can learn from my Teacher or is it time to move on? If it is time to move on then where do I move on to? And would moving on now be the right thing to do? This could set me on a path that leaves me without any support, without any…
I broke a rule yesterday, now I am being punished. I am not proud of this. Part of my punishment was to write a 2000 word essay on why I broke the rule. That essay ended up being 3212 words. I will not display that essay here, nor will I describe the rule I broke in detail. It is enough to know I chose to break a rule and I did so fully knowing I was doing so. Again I am not proud of this fact.
As I discuss this with my Sir in detail, I do expect to address it in my journal in general terms of my understanding as to why and hopefully what will be done so I do not do this again. I have no doubt there will be times in the future where punishment will be required. After all I am human and humans are not perfect. I least of all.
In general, I was not feeling my Sir’s Dominance or control. This led me down a path I at first thought was just a search for a Dominant that was local which could fulfill my physical needs which my Sir could not fulfill due to the distance separating us. He understood this need would drive me to search for a Dominant locally and he supports this. However, in my explorations I discovered there was more to this than at first was apparent. I didn’t really understand this until I was writing the essay.
I was reading another Dominant’s blog. His ideas of a D/s relationship matching very closely to my Sir’s and yes my ideas as well. In my readings it became apparent that this Dominant was even further distant than my Sir and yet I felt myself drawn towards wanting to contact him. At first my mind conjured the idea of contacting in just getting his opinion on something but as I wrote a draft letter to him, I realized in writing it I was pretty much answering my own concerns and I knew I really needed to give my Sir a chance to address my concerns. I had already written my Sir an email in this regard and was awaiting a reply.
I became impatient. I knew from past experience he does not respond to emails immediately. In some cases he waits until evening for an online chat session with me. As I waited and the impatience rose, I also felt a desire to break a rule, asking myself why should I ask for and have to wait for permission, explaining to myself he would never know I had broken a rule.
On top of this, he had written me an email that morning about my journal post, and I felt as though he had completely missed the point of what I had said in it. He was proud of me for asking all the questions I was asking. He told me he felt gladdened but also that it broke his heart. This was so damn confusing because he had never really told me I had his heart in order for me to break it.
And so I convinced myself to break the rule, then to proceed to convince myself I did not need to tell him about breaking it. He couldn’t see from my blog that what I really wanted was for him to step up and take more control and tell me he wanted to fulfill those needs. Oh he told me he wished he could fulfill the physical needs I desired but he completely missed that there was so much more I needed and was not getting from him. But then when I wrote what I did, I didn’t realize all this either. I only understood it after I started writing my essay for my punishment and I started looking at what lay deeper.
What lay deeper was the fact I did not feel his Dominance. I did not feel his control. I do not want to think I acted out just in order to make him take control and display his Dominance but what more can I think at this point?
There is however much more. Over the weeks since my Sir became my Teacher I have not once broken a rule inadvertently or on purpose. I had yet to experience punishment in my training. To my Sir I have been nothing but a good girl. If I am to live this life, fully and without reservation, I have always wondered how I would respond to being punished. I’m not talking about a spanking in fun, or in performing an act my Sir has tasked me with. Those are not punishment. I’m talking about actually disappointing my Sir and for him to feel he must follow through with punishment to correct my behaviour.
I am not one to act out. I am not one to disobey rules. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve disobeyed a rule since I was a child. So this purposefully breaking a rule is not me. In writing my essay I realized in order for me to understand or know if I can deal with punishment in this lifestyle then I must first experience it.
This situation with my Sir where I felt rules were inadequate, and a lack of Dominance and control, gave my subconscious mind an excuse to work out a way for me to break a rule and learn about punishment. I am not someone who does things that will make me feel uncomfortable without reason. I am not someone who will break rules for the fun of it. So I needed a way to experience punishment that would have meaning to me and this is what happened.
Oh, I thought about not telling my Sir, but in reality I knew I would tell him, just how and when would be the question. When it did come about it came within minutes of talking with him in chat. It took no time at all to tell him. I felt driven to do so especially when he opened up our conversation of giving me praise for which I felt I did not deserve.
I sent him my essay not too long ago. And I will write more later after we have time to discuss it.
I heard from my Sir but not what I expected. He has read my essay, wants to read it again and take tonight to do some thinking. I must admit I do not like that I will have to wait until tomorrow to talk to him but this is what he wants and maybe it is better that he take some time to think about what I had to say. What was contained may just have been more than he expected.
I’ve been doing more reading, studying on D/s relationships and in particular training. I came across one blog that mentions Dominants and Masters are really the ones who should be trained. That submissives do not really need to be trained but need to learn about what their Dominant or Master likes and to learn to do things as the Dominant or Master likes things to be done. I guess in some ways this could be considered training but in essence he described it as a trial period of getting to know each other.
With me being new to submission, and not really knowing what I like or do not like, or even how I would be in giving my submission to another. I look at this period as a time for me to not only get to know my Dominant but to also get to know me, the submissive me. I think today I learned I have a much deeper need to be in someone’s control. Control that I feel every day. Not feeling that control leaves me floundering, like a fish out of water. Even though I have rules, there really is only one rule I have to think about every day and to stay within that rule so far has not been difficult. Though I did break that rule yesterday, I did so not because it was difficult to keep.
I have been thinking about work. At work I find I feel most alive when I am under the gun so to speak. When I have deadlines I need to meet, when every day I have a goal I need to reach, or when someone is depending on me to complete something for which they then need to do their part.
I do not do well with self-discipline. Oh, I can do my job. I can do the housework. I can do other things that need to be done but I do not do them consistently. I let them go until something drives me to have to do them. I used to look at this as a flaw in that I disliked the work I needed to do. For instance, I put off cleaning the house for as long as I can. I relate this to the fact when I was a child, my job was to clean the living room. I would clean it to the best of my ability. When I finished I then had to tell my father I was done and he would come and inspect my work. I do not remember a time when he praised me for the job I did, in fact the times I remember are those in which he found something wrong and I would then have to do my work over again. Today, I always feel as though I cannot do housecleaning well and so I put it off as long as possible. When I do it or people come to visit I always get that uncomfortable feeling that they will look at my home and criticize my housekeeping skills, expecting to hear what my father would say.
I am wondering if instead I would feel better about doing the work if it was in my Dominants control and he told me how to do it and when it should be done.
I cannot help but think this is what I need in my life. And in saying so I might find indeed my Dominant making this a rule and I wonder if I would resent him doing so. I dislike uncertainties. I dislike not knowing what will happen and when things will change. Most of all I dislike not knowing what is required of me.
Is this indeed what I need? Do I need everything I do being controlled by my dominant? And just how far would I like this to go before I would find it too confining? Too much for me?
I know this is why I sought out a Dominant, one who could help me understand these things about myself. I know I did well when someone takes over my exercise program and my diet. I lost weight, and felt good about myself. I’m horrible with self-discipline. Some of this I think is why I broke the rule. My Sir had warned me he might move slower than what I like and maybe this is just my way of telling him that he is moving too slowly.
Having more rules, knowing more will come, actually makes me feel uncomfortable. I wish I could get rid of this feeling that the rules placed upon me will make me want to rebel, make me feel as though I will resent him for imposing them upon me, when so far each rule he put in place has not done so and in fact makes me feel good and happy. But lately I find it interesting that I feel resentment because he hasn’t placed more rules upon me. I know he has concerns for doing so when my health right now is of very high concern that if he places more rules upon me it might tip me in the wrong direction and cause me more stress than I can deal with but after writing my essay I am wondering if it would not do the opposite. Could it possibly give me something firm and solid to hang onto? Something that will make me stronger and be more able to deal with even the worst possible diagnosis?
I am tired of wondering. I am tired of feeling like a fish out of water.