I came so close to royally screwing everything up between my Sir and me. What a mess I made. If it wasn’t for my Sir I would probably be half way across the continent running as far away as I could get.
I thought I was through with running from my fears, especially those fears which rise up to choke me in the beginning of a relationship. In the past, the fear would usually hit me in four to six months from the beginning of the relationship. It has only been a month since Sir entered my life as my Trainer.
In the past, once I had finally faced the issue of my running away from relationships and realized I was running away from my fears, I was able to stop doing so. It didn’t mean my fears stopped, it just means I was able to recognize when these fears accosted me and face them and push my way through them.
The problem this time is I didn’t recognize that this was happening. Why? Well, that is because the fear I was feeling I thought was from another source. This week is full of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I might be told this coming Friday about the biopsy results. This is what I was focused on. This is what I thought my fear was all about. If it hadn’t been for my Sir telling me that submissives reach a point in their submission where the depths of understanding it becomes quite fearful, I probably would have been on a train heading to god knows where just as long as it was away from my Sir.
I worked on finding anything I could to undermine our relationship. The first time I felt this fear was when I had to tell my father I could no longer live with him when my mother and father separated. I broke his heart. In the process I broke mine as well. That chasm has never healed. It re-opens in every single relationship. I run each time just like I ran away from my father when I saw his tears flow. I relive that moment or at least I did until I faced it but each time I have to push myself past that fear. This time I didn’t do that because I thought my fear was all about the biopsy results. And my fight/flight defensive response kicked in full blast and devised a way to destroy what was making me so fearful. I find it difficult to face how easily I allowed myself to be fooled by my self.
My Sir and I talked last night. Things are so much better now. He helped me to understand all that I mentioned above. We talked about it. He has forgiven me and he is still proud of me. In his response he was so supportive, so encouraging of me. I really could not ask for a better Sir. I told him I appreciate how proud he is of me. I also told him I do not question his belief in me or of his being proud but that I hope one day I can feel I truly deserve it. What I question is my belief in myself. After years of being beaten down, I began to believe all that was said about me was true. I have years of negativity to overcome and one day I hope I will get there, it is just going to be a long road for me.
After we talked about what happened, we also talked about my thoughts about needing more rules. I told him some of the things I have problems with doing on my own and how at work I seem to do better when I have deadlines and detailed requirements. I also suggested the private journal, and that maybe he should make it a rule that I write in it daily and send him a copy. He did add this as a rule. He also added others and modified some of the ones I already had. Most are daily rules which will help with my need to feel his presence every day, not just in talking but in the things I do. I am grateful he understood this need. I also asked him to set boundaries in regards to others. Especially, in his desires for me in my interaction with other men. He thought about this and set some definite rules and boundaries which makes me feel better because now I do not have to guess at what he will approve of. Since we had not really discussed this, I had no idea what his expectations were and this put me in a position of easily being able to disappoint him in overstepping boundaries which he might have which I was unaware of. Luckily for me, when I almost did this, circumstances occurred that put a stop to it. I am glad this happened and made me think about needing to talk with him to find out what those boundaries are.
My online journal will be mostly the same however there will be some details which will be spoken of in general terms instead of mentioning them directly. My Sir and I agree there are some things we wish to keep private between the two of us. And I need to feel free to write about my thoughts without feeling I need to censor them for whatever reason. This increases my writing and journaling but I do not mind. My first priority will be my private journal and then my online journal will be maintained as long as I am able to do my work and follow my rules without interference. So there might be days when I may not post in my online journal. I do however intend to post daily, but it might be in poetry, or artwork or journal, or stories, for I do have a wide range of things I enjoy doing and I want to find time to do them all, including my knitting and crocheting I do as well which has been neglected lately, however, it has not been without good reason.
This being said, I will close my journal entry for today. And I will post a poem in a bit which I wrote yesterday while in the midst of all the emotional turmoil I was feeling. I also returned to writing a story I started some time back, taking a different approach to it for I did not like how it was coming out. I think my new approach has been inspired by my circumstances and works much better. At this time this is not a story I plan to post here on wordpress for I have different plans for it.
I am disappointed. I ordered two tops I really liked. They came from India, and the import fees and taxes were half the price of the two tops. Then I tried on the tops and they did not fit. They are too small. I will either give them to my daughter or I will hold on to them. My goal is to lose some weight which if I am able to do so I should be able to wear the tops at a later date. The other thing which disappoints me is the material is rather thin. I will not be ordering from this website again, the cost was too much for the quality of the product. Plus this tells me even though they provide measurements for the sizes it does not help with ensuring I buy the correct size so I will be hoofing it in the stores from now on for buying my clothing. I am not fond of shopping for clothes. Even when I was thin and trim, shopping for clothing was not enjoyable. Most times my tastes never coincided with what was in fashion or on the store racks. Hopefully, I will have better luck when shopping and if I’m able to find those things my Sir likes, then it should end up more enjoyable.