9 June 2014
I have continued to do my morning and evening kneeling and repeating of the mantra my Sir has given me to say. Sometimes this helps me to focus, other times my thoughts break in and the mantra becomes just words I’m saying while the rest of the world seems to just crash in demanding to be noticed. Especially now with the added weight of the diagnosis of breast cancer.
Though my journal is still that of a submissive learning about my nature and what it means to me and just how I can incorporate this into my life, I now have the added difficulties of dealing with cancer. And I have no doubt my journal will now consist of all these things, but then for me, I am a submissive always, in all things I do, so there is no separation between my submission and the rest of my life. I can’t tell you how easy it would be to just let the doctor, the surgeon, just tell me what to do and follow his decisions. It would be so easy to just let him take control.
Yesterday, I continued reading the books my surgeon lent me and the one I purchased from my Naturopath. She would have lent it to me as well but I’m glad I bought it. I plan to purchase the one my surgeon lent me as well. They are full of good information, however, though they are written in a positive framework, the information is a rather daunting collection of facts which at times is very difficult to absorb. Here are the titles of the books if anyone is interested, “The Intelligent Patient Guide to Breast Cancer” and “Naturally There’s Always Hope, Healing Cancer with Natural Medicine”.
There is a lot of information in these books that I think everyone should familiarize themselves with. I think I would have made other decisions if I had this information prior to finding the lump. I might still have not chosen to do a mammogram but I would have seen a doctor sooner. Although, when I was in Montreal getting access to a doctor was really hard. But I would have pursued it with more determination once I moved here. I honestly can’t remember when I found the lump, whether it was while I was in Montreal or after we moved here. I do know on one of my subsequent visits with my Naturopath I had mentioned it to her. We had both thought it was just a fatty lump. Regardless, that is all in the past and I now need to deal with ‘now’. And now is what has occurred because of the decisions I’ve made. No amount of looking back will change those decisions.
I am finding I need to do my reading in small doses. Yesterday, I started becoming depressed during my reading and I had to put the books aside. I couldn’t think about doing anything else. I had housecleaning to do and laundry needed done but I couldn’t get motivated about either of them. All I wanted to do was just go curl up in my bed, which I did, then fell asleep. When I woke I wrote in my handwritten journal which I had by my bed. Then I got up and promptly started cleaning house. Then my best friend text me to see if I had time to talk. I had called her the day before and told her about the diagnosis. She had a house full of people and we talked for a bit then one of the kids needed her attention so we decided to talk later when things were calmer on her side. So we talked Sunday evening while I worked on fixing dinner. She made the offer that if my daughter needed to get some distance from what was going on here that she would fly up and take her back home with her to stay, for the summer or however long my daughter wanted to stay.
I was grateful for her offer, and didn’t really understand my hesitation in accepting it. I thought it might be pure selfishness on my part of wanting my daughter close by, but later I realized too that if the prognosis became even worse, if my lymph nodes are infected with cancer then… and this is where I just don’t want to think about what that might mean… but I’m not sure my daughter would be able to forgive herself if she went away and lost time with being with me. Right now she thinks everything will be all fixed and I’ll be back to full health though it might take a while, she has no idea there is still a question of whether this might have spread. I just can’t think of that right now either but I don’t want her to be hurting if things end up turning worse than either of us thought they would.
I will have to speak to Kathy about this and let her think on it. I did make the suggestion to my daughter and she was excited about spending time with Kathy and I know she was just thinking of the adventure and she does love Kathy. But this could also be important for them to form a bond that could be very important later on. Maybe I could send her for a couple weeks, when the surgery occurs or something. I’m just not sure right now.
Otherwise, it seems my embracing my submissive nature is going well. My Sir is proud of how I am handling things, especially with the dark cloud of cancer hanging over my head. He thinks I am doing well. He might think differently after he reads my private journal and this one.
Last night and today I’ve entered into a dark place. I can’t ignore the fact that the only reason I am fighting this is because of my daughter. She is the only reason I feel any need for trying to fight this and live longer. I don’t mean this as it sounds that my Sir isn’t important. He has been very important for helping me stay together emotionally and not collapse. I can’t start getting into the ‘IF’ game of if things were this way, or that way, then I’d want this or that. A person could go crazy. The fact is the strongest motivating factor I have right now is my daughter and her welfare. If she were not here, and again, I can’t go into the ‘IF’ scenarios, although it is so easy to do so. But I know without a doubt, there would be no driving need.
I wanted so much more in my life when I set out years ago to change and now that those changes seem to finally be coming about, I am given a hard challenge to face. I could give all kinds of reasons as to why I think this is happening now and the simple reason could very well be that now that I have accepted and embraced my submissive nature the universe or God in all its/His wisdom has deemed it necessary to remove this cancer so that I can finally experience what I have sought my whole life.
Maybe this cancer is very representative of the cancer that has filled my whole life in my refusal to acknowledge and accept who I really am. And removal of it is necessary to move forward.
I look for meanings in everything. I do not believe that things ‘just’ happen. I believe they happen for a reason. Everything is connected. When I look back over my life I can see all the interconnecting strings or paths or whatever you want to call it. Everything that has happened has been to inform me of who I am. I lived much of my life in denial while the whole time I heard the whispers in my head. My instincts at times screamed loudly but most times it was all in my head and I couldn’t reconcile what I felt with what was presented in life around me because what I felt was so vastly different from what I saw. I didn’t know how to trust the voice in my head and I didn’t have the confidence to move against the grain of society, my family, even my friends.
In every vanilla relationship I had, I heard the whispers in my head. I heard them tell me there was so much more. I could visualize myself beneath the man making love to me and knowing there was more I needed that I was not receiving and yet I could not reconcile this with what I was told, what I read, and what I knew about relationships and how a man and woman were expected to relate to each other.
When I attempted to speak deeper, relate deeper, I could see the other person, whether it was friend, family, or lover, close down. I could see and feel their fear. I could almost hear the words in their head of wondering why I would want, why I would desire such depths, that things were just fine as they were and that is all they wanted. I could see them pull away from their fear. Where they feared their depths, I wanted to dive into mine. I wanted and needed them to join me. I could not reconcile why they would not, why they wouldn’t want to go together, join hands and help each other move through the fear and glory in what we would discover together. Each attempt would leave me disheartened and it would take a year or two before I would allow myself to look again for someone who would understand. Over the years, I started to believe no one in the world felt this way except me and so I let the cancer consume me.
It was even worse when I reached out again and after a couple years discovering the man took advantage of my need pretending to be what I sought while keeping his true nature hidden. He was a succubus. He drained me dry and ate away at my soul. I spent the longest period of my life celibate since becoming sexually active. I also spent that same period denying my nature and refusing to allow anyone close to me. I am not surprised this cancer developed into a real mass inside my breast. Every step of my life, every turn or path I took was there to get me to look at, understand, accept and embrace my true nature. Now that I have, it is time to cut out the cancer and leave it behind.