What is inside
Will bleed when cut
Will hurt when punched
Will dry up without love.
Sometimes we reach out and we find what we need which, will keep us from drowning. Sometimes we reach out and we find nothing to grasp. Sometimes we reach out and discover something we never anticipated. Nothing to grasp, nothing to hang onto but something that makes the path clearer.
I have not written in a few days mostly because my energies have been focused elsewhere. I have been researching alternative treatments for cancer. As much as they sound promising, my mental and emotional state has been plummeting into darkness. I have limited funds. Very limited. I am a single parent. My daughter’s father even if he were in a place where he could contribute financially to her welfare, he would not. I have come to accept this about him. It did not bother me for my income serves us well in normal circumstances. However, now I am faced with a situation I had hoped I would never have to face or at least wouldn’t have to face until I was much older and my daughter was old enough and on her own. But that is not the case. As I read about the alternative treatments I was hopeful one of them would be perfect for me however I had to be realistic. All of what I have been reading has been in the U.S. I am in Canada. If I go outside of Canada I will have to pay for every single penny of the treatment. If I can find something here in Canada even locally, it will most likely be beyond my means unless BC’s healthcare system covers the cost.
Regardless of what I really want, I will most likely be another in the long line of patients taking the standard medical treatment and along with all the others, I will be sitting with my fingers and toes crossed, and praying the cancer will not return once I have the surgery. I have yet to hear from the new surgeon’s office as to when they can fit me in for an appointment. I had a chest x-ray and ultrasound on my breasts and have yet to hear the results. I called the original surgeon’s office to see if they received copies of them and they had not, so I called one of my other doctor’s office and found they had received copies of them. I asked them to forward them to the new surgeon and to my previous surgeon but they didn’t have the numbers on hand and would do nothing, so I called my original surgeon’s office and explained it to the secretary there. God bless her, she told me not to worry about it and she would see to it, to all of it, including making sure it got to my new surgeon.
So now I sit and wait for notification of an appointment with the new surgeon.
In light of everything that has been going on, things in my submissive life has also seen its own turmoil. I feel as though the rules I have been following have less importance. When I entered into this agreement with my Sir it was because I needed to know how I would feel about someone having control in my life. After living under a domineering and controlling father I had my doubts I would be comfortable, let alone thrive under another’s control. The rules put in place to help me experience that control told me what I needed to know however I am finding those rules in some cases not being helpful to me in light of what I am now dealing with. We tried to talk about this the other night but my emotions were so on edge I was struggling with keeping it together. So we ended up changing the subject and talking about other things that would not set me off emotionally.
The next day I was feeling numb. When I had gone to bed the night before I just lay there wondering whether I would be able to sleep. I don’t remember falling asleep and I know I did not lie awake for long when I woke up and thought about it. When I woke I felt numb. I know I was pushing my feelings down, not letting them control me or overwhelm me like they did the day before. Even when I continued my reading I felt numb towards it. I could not muster any excitement over news of how yet another alternative treatment was receiving good results. I was losing hope. Every alternative treatment I came across was in the U.S. and I could not find a similar one here in Canada or in BC. It didn’t matter what I learned about these alternative treatments they would not help me because I do not have the means to get to those doctors or pay for the treatments. So like so many other people I will have to try and trust the standard medical treatment and hope I do well on it along with what I can afford through my Naturopath to help support those treatments.
Since going to my original doctor for the exam, I have lost about six pounds. This isn’t because I’m exercising. This isn’t because I’m eating better. The only thing I can relate this to, is how I lost weight when I met the last man I was involved with. I thought it was great and wonderful because he was helping me to get in better shape and lose weight. After that relationship ended I started putting the weight back on. After a while I realized I had lost weight because I had been under constant stress where my adrenalin was at a constant high and burning up calories and fat. This is not healthy. This is most likely why I have the cancer I now have.
Last night when my Sir and I tried to talk, everything went wrong. I did not feel his support, in fact I felt as though he attacked my beliefs, all the hard research I have done over many years and the recent research I have been doing I felt him cut it to the quick as though I have done nothing but believe in lies. When I finally told him he was right and I was silly to believe such things, he then backed off and told me he had not been trying to tell me what I had read or what I believed was wrong and then he wanted me to talk about it. By then I did not have the energy to talk about it nor did I want to talk about something that was in so much opposition to what he believed. When I told him this, but not in those exact words, he started saying how he had been a jerk and I could not disagree with him. However, I did tell him I did not want him to stop questioning things but if he disagreed with something I believed in then I wanted facts, and I wanted sources for which I could study and show my doctors if need be. By the end he ended up saying good night and not even giving me the opportunity to say good night in return. It was like him walking out the door and slamming it in my face. I felt lost and alone.
I did the only thing I knew to do, I reached out to someone else. Someone I barely knew but someone I hoped would be awake at that time of night in my part of the world and I told him about my recent diagnosis. He listened, he asked direct questions about treatment, and my support system. I told him about some of the alternative treatments I had been reading about. He was firm, he was direct, he was supportive but also told me to learn and be my own advocate and work with the doctors and to remember they know more than I do. Then he told me to focus on my health, well being, laugh lots, eat well, breathe fresh air and breathe deeply, and drink lots of water. After this, I found myself for the first time in the past couple of days, genuinely smiling.
He didn’t sugar coat anything. I don’t think my Sir does either, however, what I realized was I needed this firm reminder that I’m not dealing with charlatans and that I am the one in control of my body and what is done to it. There was a vast difference between these two men. I am not here to pit them against one another. I am not saying this to make my Sir feel even worse.
Sometimes what we need might not come from the source we think can provide it. Sometimes a virtual stranger can give us the reassurance and even love that we need. Just like when I was grocery shopping yesterday and I was taking the cart back to put it away and get my quarter back, I saw a woman with three children heading toward the grocery store. It was obvious she wanted a cart by what she was saying to the children and also starting to dig in her wallet for a quarter. I angled the direction of my return walk with the cart in her direction so we would meet up. She asked if I was returning the cart and I said yes, so she gave me the quarter and I handed over the cart. She told her kids to tell me thank you, and the oldest boy not only said thank you but ‘we love you’. I said thank you and that was very nice to hear. His mother praised him by telling him what a nice thing to say. This boy was probably around nine or ten years old, not an age for a boy who would normally say such things. I knew it was a special message for me. Writing about it now brings tears to my eyes because it took a stranger to bring this message to me. A stranger who may not realize just how much I needed to hear those words. I hear them from my daughter all the time, a few of my friends sign their emails saying ‘love ya’ but it took a little boy to make me feel it.
I don’t blame my Sir. I don’t expect him to be all things to me or to be able to give me everything I need. I think I did before though and that is what I did wrong. I need to be able to decipher what it is I really need and be able to express that need to others and especially to my Sir. That is something I have a difficult time doing. So maybe what I need is to not look for all my needs to be met from just one place or person. The question is can my Sir, can this other man, and others in my life accept this? I know my friends can for they have always accepted this about me. But men are used to being the center, they normally don’t want to share. But then I’m not asking them to share my body, this isn’t about sex. This is about so much more.
Things have changed between my Sir and me. We talked tonight. We both agree because of my situation I need to find a local Dominant. I have needs that are very difficult to be met from a distance. My Sir is keeping in touch with me as an advisor or counselor which I greatly appreciate as I want to continue having his guidance and support until I make that connection with a Dominant within my community.