I have been meaning to make an update however, to be honest, I just don’t know what to say. Which generally means I’ll ramble and write something really long which has nothing of import to say. This in a way reflects where I am today.
I woke this morning at 5am for work. I have one of those jobs which means I could be working at all hours of the day or night, for the most part I work normal hours. During work I was feeling anxious and could not pin it on any particular reason. The work I am doing is something I have done for years. I am cautious when I install changes, before making any change I double and sometimes triple check before I make the change so this is all old hat to me. So, I ask myself ‘why the anxiety’?
Then I remembered I had not taken my progesterone last night. When my progesterone was severely depleted I had anxiety and panic attacks all the time. Sometimes I felt like I was losing my mind. Things that were of concern to me but very manageable most times, rise up and overwhelm me during these moments of anxiety which sometimes moved into panic. It is very easy for me to understand why some women have lost their minds and caused harm to loved ones and then not understand afterwards what caused them to go to such extremes. I’m not saying this is where I was. I was nowhere near causing anyone harm. I think I would harm myself before ever harming anyone else however I would be remiss if I made any guarantees to that statement. The problem with anxiety and panic is a person enters a state by which they are no longer reasoning with any logic. There is no logic to what a person is thinking under those situations. What might seem reasonable to them most likely would seem beyond reason to someone else who was in full control of their faculties. It was scary, scary while in that mental state, and even scarier once I had emerged from that state and realized just how unreasonable my thought patterns had been. So now when I start feeling anxiety, before it gets out of control, I consider when it was the last time I took any progesterone. I am glad I have the ability to recognize when I am in a mild form of anxiety so I can stop it before it drives me so far that I cannot comprehend this reasoning. I have known at least one manic-depressive person and have heard how they can justify not needing to take them medication anymore then, once off it they will plummet into another reality where no amount of reasoning can help them or convince them they need to go back onto their medication. I hope I never reach that point.
However, I wonder if part of my situation with my Sir might not have been just that of me being in anxiety or even panic and not realizing it. The thing is I was feeling more depressed, or melancholy than anxious. I had tried going off my progesterone to see if I could do so without any more anxiety or panic attacks. I cycle my hormones when I was taking them so for once a month I will go off my hormones for five days. At the end of the five days I just didn’t return to taking my progesterone, it was day nine when I started taking it again. On day eight and nine is when I had the situation arise between my Sir and me. I had entered into such a state of melancholy or depression for which I really was in no frame of mind for any deep discussion or dealing with emotional situations.
Now I need to address one other thing. I don’t feel comfortable calling him my Sir anymore, because he isn’t really my Sir. He is now fulfilling the position of an advisor or counsellor in my life. I have been struggling with what to call him, or how to address him. He said I could continue to address him as my Sir in my online blog however I do not feel this is appropriate, especially since he no longer calls me Little Kate or Roni. I thought about this last night and decided calling him Mr. A (A for Advisor) or my Advisor. Either one would carry with it the appropriate amount of respect, as well as remind me and others of his new position in my life.
I wish things could have been different but they are what they are. He cannot travel to see me and I cannot travel to see him. I do not want to move from where we live now and he does not want to move from where he is. Also, because I have such problems connecting with my own emotions and understanding them, I need someone who can be within my physical presence who can see my body language, my facial expressions and so many other things that are communicated when one is in the presence of another person. I had to be realistic. I also needed to stop living in a fantasy. As much as I would like a white knight to come in and rescue me, Mr. A just could not be that white knight and I have a feeling he is not the white knight type. This isn’t to say he didn’t want to be there for me for I know he did and in some ways still does but there is only so much someone can do from a long distance. I do not hold this against him.
Maybe we can be friends. Or maybe we will eventually just melt into the woodwork and appreciate what our encounter means to each of us. I know I appreciate what he has shown me for without him I would still be wondering if I could truly accept who I am and whether I could truly submit to someone. My interaction with him has taught me I can and do thrive under someone’s control.
On another front for the past few days our internet has been flaky. It is driving me crazy. At least it worked well when I had work I needed to do this morning but now it is back to acting flaky again. I just reset my wireless router for the third time in two days and it seems to be back and working well again. We’ll see how long it lasts.
Mr. A and I have not communicated in a couple of days. This seems odd but yet I cannot expect daily interaction any more between he and I. I have several friends I can talk to and I’m making another friend or two as well. All but one is far away and even that one right now is at a distance due to being on vacation with family traveling in the US but we communicate via email when we can.
Now if you recall I said I really didn’t know what to say at the beginning of this post and as you can see I did exactly what I said I would do, rattle about mostly nothing. *laugh*
Oh and I am still waiting on a call from the new surgeon’s office as to when we will have our first appointment and no one has given me the results of the chest x-ray and ultrasound from three weeks ago. This is beyond frustrating. However, there is a reason and one day I will understand that reason.