I set out in my late thirties to make changes in my life. The problem is I didn’t know what changes I needed to make.
My life was miserable. After years of failed relationships, mostly from me running away because what I needed wasn’t there. I found myself taking a deep nosedive into depression after each attempt at a relationship failed. It would take months to drag myself out of the depression and usually a year or two years went by before I allowed myself to try again.
This pattern repeated itself over and over again until in my late thirties I became so desolate I was considering suicide. The one thing that stopped me was my fear of not doing it right.
Eventually, I ended up at the bottom of the proverbial well. In my mind’s eye I could see the smooth rock walls and floor that would keep me at the bottom forever, seeing no way to climb out. I looked around and the only chink in the armor of the well was a small seam between the rocks.
I knew then I had only two choices. I could either stay at the bottom of the well which meant either a slow death or suicide. Or I could try and dig my way out. I asked myself, what did I have to lose by digging my way out? Death was always an option. That option never went away. Whereas, digging my way out could possibly end up with me learning something and possibly, just possibly I could end up living my dream.
Digging my way out meant I was willing to change. The problem was I had no idea what changes needed to be made. All I knew was I didn’t like my life.
I went out into the world stumbling around like a blind person who has no guide or has no way of determining their new environment which someone had just plopped them down within and left them alone to wonder about.
I went around tasting whatever I came across not knowing if it was a toxic substance that could kill me or if it was a poison that would just make me sick, or if it was the answer to all my prayers or something that would just do nothing at all.
I took risks not understanding what I should be learning until one day something toxic entered my world that had a coating of sweet sugar. When I finally reached the toxic substance I knew it was time to get out. But that experience taught me to start examining, start asking why, start looking at and understanding my feelings. Each time I did, more questions arose which lead me down different paths until I finally started making connections.
Change is not easy. Fear always sits on the sidelines waiting to pounce, waiting to find that one weakness that will test our willpower, test our resolve to see if we’ll give in and turn back. Change does not want weaklings. It does not want wavering indecisiveness. Change will challenge us with all it has to ensure the path chosen is a true one. Change comes to us in the form of obstacles. It might be a person who deceives us. Or it might be a broken water pipe in our house. Or it might be illness. Or it might be a relationship that appears to be what we want but in the end is not. These and many other obstacles or challenges are there to make us question our path, our resolve or to show us there is a different way.
I have learned over the past few years the importance of learning to know what I need. My instincts will guide me only as far as I allow myself to listen to them. My questioning and digging into my feelings will only help me to the depths I allow myself to see the truth of what they reveal. I still find myself hiding away from these truths. Sometimes without realizing it until some catalyst awakens me to it.
This is my daily struggle. Am I being true to myself? I can look to others for answers. I could try and put all of that onto someone else. But that is not what I want to do. I think some submissives think Dominants are there to ‘fix’ them. If they feel better then, the Dominant is fixing them. But what happens when that Dominant leaves or the submissive discovers she needs to leave? What happens then? Has she really changed? Has she really grown? If the Dominant does his part right, she will have but only if she is willing to make the changes herself.
I don’t want a Dominant to ‘fix’ me. I want him to guide me. To be there when I slip and forget who I am because I’ve been someone else for so very much of my life, it is so easy for me to slip back into her and her ways. I want him to be there to remind me I am not her. I want him to be there when I slip into that dark place and shine the light for me to find my way back out. I want his help to fix myself for only in my being able to do this will I learn and stop the backward slide that happens from time to time.
Where I am today is because I walked a difficult path to be here. I often thought of myself as selfish of only doing what I need to do for myself. Being someone that others thought I should be, instead of being who I needed to be for myself so that I could be more to others. I am afraid I am too selfish to serve others. While at the same time I know I have given up much over the past years to take care of my daughter. And I have done almost all of it alone.
This is what most single parents do. For her it is easy to give it all up, but there are times when I feel a niggling sense of resentment. I have to be honest about this. I get no breaks. Most of that is my own fault for not finding someone who can step in and give me that night out once in a while. After eleven years this has worn on me. It makes me wonder whether I could truly give to another. To have someone else join our family, someone who would desire me to serve him. I am not sure how much more I have to give.
So, I sit here trying to decide what this means for me. All I can do is take my time and move carefully and be honest with anyone who enters my life, especially if he would like to explore the possibility of something long term, more permanent.
The thought of making that journey fills me with trepidation for what might happen if I do become ensconced in a relationship and it not work out. I fear I might not have the strength to endure another broken heart.
I, however, must try. I must face my fear otherwise there is nothing more for me outside of raising my daughter.