A Submissive’s Journey – 24 July 2014

Some of my latest readers may not know I was diagnosed with breast cancer in June. It has been six weeks of waiting for an appointment with a surgeon. Yesterday, I finally received the call giving me a date and time.

As things tend to happen, in the waiting, a friend of mine was trying to work out dates and times of travel to my vicinity to visit with relatives as well as for us to spend some time together and for her to meet my daughter. It has been almost fifteen years since we saw each other. We finally locked down dates and plans.

Then I received the call about the appointment. Wouldn’t you know it, the appointment was scheduled smack dab in the middle of the three days I had scheduled with my friend.

Since I was meeting her out of town, it was either cancel the trip or change the appointment. I broached the subject of changing the appointment telling the lady on the phone that I had planned a trip. She asked the dates, and then selected another date a week later. She was so pleasant and accommodating for she also tried to work around my meeting schedule with work. However, I told her with me traveling an hour one way for the appointment, if I missed the meeting it would not be a problem. She still scheduled it early enough I could handle the meeting by conference call following the appointment, and also not have it so early I would be having to leave at the crack of dawn to be there.

My appointment will be with a surgeon from a new Health Center which has brought together all the facilities and people needed to treat cancer of various types. It has a breast health clinic and also access to plastic surgeons so when a mastectomy is performed they can do immediate reconstructive surgery during the same operation. I had told the first surgeon this would be my preference, so his office referred me to the new health center and surgeon.

The six weeks of waiting for the call for an appointment was a mixture of emotions. At first I was antsy over no call wanting things to move quickly and get it over with. Then as I worked with my Naturopath I could see benefits to the waiting, giving me time to have IV Vitamin C treatments containing K3 to help build up my immune system. The combination of Vitamin C and K3 has been proven to reverse some cancers. So doing it could be even more beneficial than just strengthening my immune system. Plus it has given me time to add some supplements that will also help in various areas which surgery opens up to risk. And then of course it gave me time to research, gaining knowledge on what I need to do to improve my chances.

In other areas, my submission is what I refer to as being on hold. I haven’t spoken to my Advisor in days, no email, no online chatting. Sometimes it is because I don’t go online to chat because of being focused on other things which you’ll read about soon. Other times it is because he isn’t online to chat. I can’t say I don’t miss him. What I do miss is what we had at first. However, I do not delude myself anymore. Yes, I would have liked to have had things work out between us however, once reality set in there was no changing it. As I saw on a program a day or so ago when a character in a show said as he pointed to a person’s forehead and I paraphrase, but it goes something like this, “once the idea is here (pointing to the other persons’ forehead), there is no going back”. In other words, once the idea is formed, one cannot forget the idea existed and it will remain until you either dispel it or find it to be false. Once I allowed myself to understand what more I needed it was obvious I could no longer delude myself into believing it would workout.

We all contain an idea in our heads of what it is we want or need in our lives. Some of us create a list, others may visualize in immense detail and still others maybe something in between. As we grow, as we experience different things in our lives we alter our perceptions of what we want or need. This is what I have been working on. Without having met and had the experience with my Trainer, I would not now have an understanding of how I need to change my perspective. This is how I have seen my life when I look back over the many years. I can see how each experience was leading me to understand myself better and what I needed. I wasn’t supposed to bury those things which I instinctively felt or desired and yet for many years I did. Ignoring them just put more things in my path which tried to get me to see, to understand, and to realize who I am and what I need.

No matter who comes and goes from our lives, or how short a period they are in our lives, I believe they are there for a reason. People also come into our lives when we need them, whether we want to see it or not. It is our choice how we respond to the opportunities which present themselves. These people could do bad things in our lives or good and wonderful things. No matter what the case may be they are in essence there for us to learn.

When I became aware of my further needs and I began to adjust my perceptions, another dominant entered into my life with a simple message. At first, I didn’t understand and I thought his intention was to try and disrupt what was between my Trainer and me. However, in retrospect now, I understand he came into my life at the very moment I needed him to be there. If he had not entered at that time, then when things changed and my Trainer became my Advisor, and communication with him had a sort of breakdown, I would not have reached out to this other dominant. I would not be having the talks he and I now have. I would be struggling in my submission instead of being patient as I get to know this new dominant.

For the past month I have found myself in a place I have never been before. My writing is an outlet for the strong emotions I feel which I find difficult to express. My emotions have been stable, calm, and focused, for the most part. So my writing has been that of introspection.

The interesting development has been the burgeoning of my art. It is nowhere near where I want it to be however I can feel the walls moving, expanding, and possibly beginning to collapse. In the art piece I posted last night, I had really liked it until I started adding the leaves in the background. As I added the leaves the whole of the piece began to get lost. However, I persevered. I continued, even though I didn’t like what was happening. After I finished filling in the leaves, it was all in ink, and the ties and knots had become lost amongst the leaves, so to make the ties and knots stand out I colored them in red using colored pencil. Then my mind’s eye suddenly saw the leaves edged in dark green, fading to lighter green then yellow in the center and I began adding color using colored pencil. The more I colored the leaves the more I liked what was happening.

In life, we have a choice. We can either throw away the things which look like they are not going as we would like them to go, or we can add color and shape it into something beautiful.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
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