I have often asked myself, if I had it to do all over again, would I? I wonder how many artists look at their completed works and wonder if they would do it all over again. When I look back over the work I’ve done, I can see how it has progressed and changed. When I think about how I felt doing each piece, I can feel the changes inside of me.
I used to train people in the work I do. Each person is different and a good teacher knows this. A teaching method that works for one does not necessarily work for another. A good artist will observe another artist, listen to the methods being taught, and create their own method which works for them.
This is what happens as an artist grows. Each piece they work on teaches them something new, opens their eyes to another way to work within the medium they have chosen and sometimes gives them the confidence to change and add a different medium which may lead them to the masterpiece they had always hoped to achieve.
As I sat today in my Naturopath’s clinic with an IV stuck in my arm, I worked on the above piece which I began creating last night. The center star was a frustration. I saw another artist drawing it on youtube. I saw the way she drew it and I attempted to use the same method to only find out my stars came out woppyjawed. In other words, they came out looking like a star which someone had taken a stick to and beaten to a pulp. It took several tries for me create a method whereby I could draw a star that appeared balanced or symmetrical. Then I took it a step further than the artist on youtube, she chose to use color. I knew this piece would be black, white and grey, so I added shading. I loved the three-d effect it created. I enjoyed creating the rest of the piece. Each time I found something that worked wonderfully it increased my confidence. Each time I found something I didn’t like but still made it work or made mistakes which I was still able to work with, it increased my confidence.
I used to look at something I wanted to draw and feel myself become overwhelmed. Doubt and fear would play havoc with my confidence to even just pick up a pencil. Most times I looked, wished, hoped and then walked away. But now… now… I can look at something I want to draw and see the simplicity of it. See how one line meets another to form a shape. I can see the curve and know I don’t have to match that curve exactly for it still to work.
I don’t know what it is that has released the blocks I’ve had for years. Is it my journey into submission? Or is it the cancer? Both have a way of making you look at things and see them for what they are. Both have a way of making a person look at the fear inside of them and see that fear for what it is, a reflection of something that happened a long time ago or possibly not so long ago that makes us cautious, makes us weary. However it does not have to keep us bound within its walls unless that is truly where we want to stay.
Whether it is the cancer or the submission or both, I am glad I am finding my way free of the bindings of my fear.