It is still somewhat early here, 8:25am to be exact. This week I am on vacation and soon we will be leaving to meet my friend and spend a couple days with her. I very much dislike how I feel right now. I should be excited. I should be so excited I can barely contain myself and be rushing around the house getting my shower, putting on my makeup, getting the last items together we need to take with us. Instead, I am sitting here writing in my journal about how I feel. The trepidation. Yes, I’m nervous. My bowels are in an uproar. I know this isn’t a pretty description but it is what happens. My nerves always go straight to my digestive system. Three or four trips to the bathroom and my body is flushed out completely. I’ve always been this way or rather I should say I have always felt my nervousness in my stomach. It didn’t always send me rushing to the bathroom. That didn’t start happening until the end of my last relationship. Living alone in Montreal with a 2 1/2 year old destroyed any harmony I had in my body with my nerves. I won’t go into how bad it was there. Moving here to BC has brought the situation much more under control. Though it is not where I would like it to be, it is much more manageable.
Times like this make me really wish I had a Dominant. I know I could let go of some of the responsibilities and he would be taking care of the things which put me so much on edge that send my nerves rioting. However, I know I need to do this.
Our move here was to bring me to a place where I could be comfortable again just leaving the house. In Montreal, just going to the grocery store took a toll on my nerves, even though it was just down the street at the end of our block. Having to go further, where we had to take the metro or the bus was even worse. Since we have been here, leaving the house for every day things, such as grocery shopping or picking up toiletry items has become normal, no stress, unless I’m not feeling well. However, it doesn’t mean I simply jump in the car and go whenever I need to. I still find myself resisting, holding back, not wanting to go out. Remnants of my life in Montreal. It is hard to shake.
We do not live far from the border and yet in the four years we have lived here, I have not ventured across into the U.S. Today will be our first since being here in BC. When living in Montreal traveling into the U.S. occurred frequently, or at least it did until my last relationship ended and I gave up my vehicle. After that it couldn’t occur on a whim, it took planning and renting of a car. Moving here meant purchasing a car but until now I had avoided traveling across the border.
I’ve been across the border back east enough to know what it consists of and normally it just involves a few simple questions and we are on our way. However, this is what I was accustomed to back east and my mind sees this trip as completely new and untried. I know we will have a good time. I know crossing the border will not be a problem. I have all the papers I need. I just wish there was someone with us leading the way, confident in his ability to take care of us and a balm to my nerves.
In all honesty, I feel like I should be able to do this without all this nervousness. I don’t understand why my body persists in this when my mind tells me everything will be okay. I feel like a wuss and a fraud. So many people say I’m strong but in this, inside, I feel as weak as a new born kitten while on the outside no one sees anything but a strong woman.