In this world, a submissive has to be strong, especially if she is single and looking for a mate. She has to be smart. Not necessarily smart in the sense of highly educated but in smart in dealing with people. People hide who they really are and some of them have become so adept at it, that when the real person is revealed it is a shock to those who only knew them as what was exposed on the surface. I’ve met several such people, and it is a shock. It can also be damaging to one’s self-confidence. I used to think I was good at judging (I don’t like that term) whether a person was good or bad in regards what their intent was towards me. Online has made that more difficult.
In the past, meeting people in person, I was good at being able to tell if someone was good, dangerous, or just the ‘bad boy’ type. I stayed away from dangerous. From time to time I dallied with the ‘bad boys’. The ‘good boys’ I would form relationships with but they would always leave me wanting, unfulfilled, or looking and wishing for something different. I tried the ‘bad boys’ on occasion thinking they were more in my line but they were not looking for permanent, they wanted a short dalliance and then would move on.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized there was another type which apparently I had no knowledge of. Dominant. Now, I’m learning that just because someone says they are Dominant, it doesn’t mean they are the one for me. That they too fall into all of the above mentioned categories. There are Dominant ‘bad boys’, and dangerous Dominants, and there are Dominant ‘good boys’. The question is how to weed out the ‘good’ from the ‘bad’ from the ‘dangerous’.
This is where we as single submissives must be smart. We must take our time. Yes, invest our time, in getting to know the person who claims to be Dominant. I’ve read other posts here at WordPress which lists those things to look for in a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ Dominant. But even if we know those things, if the Dominant is really good at hiding who they really are, even knowing those traits to look for doesn’t mean you will be able to tell until you test them. We must learn to test the Dominants. Find out how they respond to certain stimuli. I’m not talking about poking them with a needle to see if they become angry. Some of us test others without even thinking about it. We do it naturally, partly because our upbringing has made us build into our self-protection mechanisms ways in which to try and reveal the true nature of a person. I do this to some extent, but apparently not enough. And too, we must also be willing to have our eyes open to what is really being revealed and not be blinded by the possibility of love or ignore the warning signs because so many other aspects seem to ‘fit’.
Consistency is what will be a true test. Most people can’t continue living a lie 24×7 365 days a year. At some point there will be a break in the lie or the fabrication and we have to be ready to see it while at the same time, we cannot keep up our walls indefinitely, too afraid to let anyone in. Being smart means to know what to reveal when, what walls to allow to come down while in the process of building trust with another person. And most of all, learning to listen to our instincts. If our instincts are screaming at us that something isn’t right, then most likely something isn’t right. If we don’t know what that is, then we need to look closer. Our instincts recognize problems subconsciously long before our conscious brains recognize it. This comes from evolution as well as from years of experience teaching us. It is why martial artists train for years and years, sometimes daily or several times a week, so their bodies and instincts will recognize a threat before it has a chance to harm them and their bodies will react instinctively to that threat to ward it off.
The hard part is when we do not recognize the threat, when it appears benign up until the moment it strikes. That is when we have to rely upon our ability to be smart.
I desire to have in my life, a man who is a ‘good’ Dominant. One who is willing to take the time to be my friend and wants to earn my trust. In return, I will do the same. Everyone, there is no exception. Everyone has been hurt by the selfishness of others. We all carry with us baggage from those past relationships. To expect someone to not have that baggage is to have unrealistic expectations. What I want and what I am willing to give is for us both to want to work on removing the baggage together and trust is the only way to do that. Building trust takes time.
I have no problem revealing a lot about who I am. Most people who read my blog know I will write most anything about myself. I used to think this meant I trust and do so easily with people. What I’ve realized is it is a way for me to test those who claim they care. My level of trust grows with the level the other person reveals about themselves. If I reveal a lot about me but the other person does not, then my level of trust remains at the level the person holds themselves back. If the person reveals only generalities about themselves, then my level of trust is only at that which is generalized. In other words, I will only trust to the level the other person allows me to trust them.
When I reveal everything about myself to someone, I am welcoming them to trust me with everything they have. In my life, I have not come across another (i.e. men) who has accepted this level of trust from me. This is why my relationships have always been left wanting. It is also why I hurt the most when they end. I find it very difficult to understand why when I reveal all that I am to another person why they cannot or will not allow themselves to trust me. I have come to learn it is because they do not trust themselves.
Does this mean I trust myself? I think it does. It doesn’t mean I won’t make mistakes. That comes with the territory. The time I stop making mistakes is the time I cease to exist. I won’t stop trying to find that one person, that one male Dominant who will fit in my life. It however, doesn’t mean I’ll let anyone walk all over me. I will have my walls until such a time as someone proves to me they are worth making the effort to tear them down.