I read quietly in the background other blogger’s posts. I rarely comment anymore. Most days I have nothing to say, or if I did, it would be something like ‘lucky you’ or ‘I wish I had that’. Some days it is very difficult to read the happiness of others.
I’m feeling sorry for myself these days. I read what others have and I want it for myself. I want to feel that joy, that happiness, that loss of control that another can give.
In my life, everything is under my control. At least all the things that I can possibly control. At times, like now, I want nothing to do with that control. I want none of the responsibility. It isn’t because I can’t do it. I know I’m capable. If I weren’t I wouldn’t be here at the place I am at my age of 54 taking care of my 11 year old daughter.
In two days, I will have to fake control of my health situation. I say ‘fake control’ because I feel it is completely out of my control. Or to have real control I need to have complete focus upon it in order to be able to be diligent in my research and understand what I need to do. I don’t have that. My focus is split in what feels like a million different directions. It is so, because I am the only adult here.
People have told me to focus on myself. Do what I need to for me and to not worry about my daughter. What a laugh. Obviously they do NOT understand the demands of a single parent. I can’t just let go of everything and focus on me. I HAVE to take care of my daughter. I HAVE to make sure she has what she needs in life. She is only 11 years old. It isn’t like she can go out and get a job, earn money, drive a car, go to the grocery store and pay for everything. She can’t be the parent who meets her new teacher each year. And so on and so forth…
I feel like I am living on borrowed time. I made a choice in my life which brought this child into my life. Now, I need to be here to see that choice carried through until I am no longer needed. I don’t know how to do that when my focus is so split, so divided. It would be helpful if someone were here to help shoulder the responsibilities but there isn’t and I have to face that fact. In two days, I will most likely have to make a decision that will I hope be the best decision for me, that will keep me around the longest, at least hopefully until my child is old enough to take care of herself.
After that I really don’t care what happens to me. It is sad to say, but it is the truth. I’ve heard or read many who say I am strong, some even say they wish they had my strength. I’m not really strong. I do only what I have to do. I wait until I face a wall where the only choice is to keep bumping against it or turn right or left and I just hope I make the correct choice.
I could have kept on going as I had been before I made the decision to finally go see a doctor. At this point I wonder why I really did it. Obviously, the catalyst that drove me to that decision is no longer present and appears that it will remain absent from my life for some time or possibly for ever.
I have to be honest with myself. No man would want to enter into a life with a woman with a diagnosis of cancer. Cancer is a death sentence no matter how you look at it. It will eventually take your life. It maybe only months, or it may be years but cancer changes your life forever, the unknown will always be lurking. Every time I step into a doctor’s office from now until I die I will wonder if I will hear the damning words that there is nothing else that can be done.
I do not have the willpower on my own to make the changes I need to in my life. I don’t have the finances to do what I would prefer to do in my treatment. My support network is thousands of miles away. My closest friends here are more of acquaintances, and they do not check up on me or ask how I am doing or call to find out when my next appointment is, or ask how I am doing emotionally. We do not share deeply. My friends thousands of miles away have their own lives, their own responsibilities. They cannot pack up and come stay here and help for the months on end that this will take.
I have to face the facts. I am alone in this and I cannot expect anyone to step up and help shoulder the load.
Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself today, and now those who read this will know more of my inner thoughts, those that linger in the background, unsaid, when I tell my friends, I’ll be fine.
I have put off doing a couple things mainly because doing them may give me more information than I want to know, and in one of them will be the final act I need to do to make sure my daughter is taken care of without me which carries the feeling with it that I am giving up.
I can’t tell you how easy it would be for me to just not do anything, to in essence just give up. If I had been faced with this decision before having my daughter, I have no doubt I would have done just that. Today, the pull to do so is very strong. To just cancel the doctor’s appointment and pretend I never received the diagnosis. Today, that is what I want to do.
Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me weak? I honestly don’t blame anyone for not wanting to become involved with me. How could I ever ask anyone to take this on? It just would not be fair to them.