I know my post yesterday may have concerned some of my readers. I deeply appreciate those who reached out to me to offer me support or a virtual hug.
This time in my life is one of great upheaval. I was told once by someone who was told by his doctor that the hardest time in a person’s life is between the age of 50 and 59, around the age of 60 things settle down and one becomes more comfortable in the changes in their life. I don’t know how true that is, however, I’m 54 years old having only turned that age in June just days after my diagnosis.
At age 50 I moved across the continent from the east coast to the west coast in order to give my daughter and myself a better life without all the stress which went along with living in Montreal of Quebec Province and only speaking English.
After my move here, with the relief from all the stress of the environment I had lived in, I discovered my body was under a different kind of stress. That which every female eventually faces in their life when their hormones become unbalanced and their bodies and libidos begin to decline. This was another kind of upheaval for me because what drove me to this discovery was my search in trying to understand why I had anxiety and panic attacks. Thank god, I didn’t go to a general practitioner or mental health care provider who would have only prescribed me drugs to mask the symptoms. I went instead to a Naturopath who helped me to get the tests I needed to check all my hormone levels. The results showed most of my hormones were severely depleted or borderline low. We added progesterone since it was the most severely depleted. Over several months my anxiety and panic attacks slowly subsided and eventually went away only to return when I was under a great deal of stress which causes our hormones to be used up must faster than normal. In those cases I just add a little more progesterone and all is well. Eventually, we added some of the other hormones and I started feeling like a woman again, with sexual desires and needs.
I started researching to understand my submissive nature on a more personal level and how it could ultimately change my world with the hopes of eventually meeting someone who would be my match and I be his. That in itself carries with it a personal upheaval in that I had to be completely honest with myself in who I am and what that means for me and how it could possibly effect my daughter.
This prompted me to dig even deeper into understanding Dominant and submissive natures and relationships built to satisfy these needs and discovered D/s. Eventually, I grew brave enough to start inquiries and experiments in how I would respond to acts of submission. In some ways it was quite liberating and in others it was not only invigorating but also awakened old fears. It also made me look at physical aspects which had been ignored and made me realize I needed to take some action.
Thus the result of that action was the diagnosis of cancer. Breast cancer to be exact. To be even more exacting it is breast cancer that is both estrogen receptor positive and progesterone receptor positive. Though it is the most common form of breast cancer it meant the doctors wanted me to stop all my hormones. I agreed to all except the progesterone. I did not want to end up back having anxiety and panic attacks. I did try at the end of my cycle of taking progesterone in which I go off for five days, I extended it by not taking the progesterone. By day nine I was feeling anxious which disrupted my ability to discern accurately how I was feeling. So I went back on the progesterone and I will not go off of it again.
However, after being off my other hormones since Mid-May I have had other symptoms appear. Hot flashes being one of them which I had never had before. Then as I keep track of my cycle so I know when to cycle off my progesterone for the five days, I have discovered I become rather emotional on the day or two before I cease taking the progesterone.
Emotionally, I become sad, depressed, well, just read my post of yesterday and the whole of it is filled with the emotions which I feel and the story I wrote contains the depth of the despair I can enter into at these times. Because this is new to me it is at times difficult for me to recognize that this is what is going on.
I do not cry easily and yet simple caring words from one of my readers sent me into tears. I told him this and he apologized for causing them, but I explained to him these were tears I needed to shed for I hold too much inside. What I didn’t tell him is that I have a difficult time releasing those things which I hold so deeply. I did however tell him not many can touch me in the way that he did, and that he should consider my tears a compliment for they were good tears. They were healing tears.
I’ve had two situations with dominant men, in the past three months. Both ending differently. The first in which we both agreed it was for the best but still sad for we no longer have that connection we seemed to forge at the beginning. The second ended suddenly and strangely by the other in such a way that it left me feeling off kilter and sadly alone. I have come to accept there was a reason for it and life does go on.
But through all of this, I am finding some very good and caring friends. People who are sincere and share deeply.
In all of this upheaval, I am learning a lot about myself, and I hope you as my readers will understand, my writing is a catharsis. It allows me to express most deeply what I am unable to express verbally. It helps me to connect with myself and at times make sense of the emotions swirling around inside of me.
I may find I will be one of those women who will need to go back on their hormones even though the cancer they have is receptor positive because without the hormones my quality of life could very well be worse without them than it would be with them.
But for now, I’m obeying doctor’s orders, so forgive me if I become maudlin, or depressed, or despondent. I will not always be the strong positive warrior fighting tirelessly against the enemy. I may need to be the woman in “Her Final Act” doing what she has to because there is no other option, or I may have to be the little girl who at times needs strong arms to comfort her. Maybe one day I’ll write about her.
They are both very representational of the fighter and young girl within me. The fighter being the strong one who will do anything to stop the pain and suffering of an innocent. Cancer is my enemy today. Tomorrow, it might be something else.
This is a time of great upheaval for me. A time of transformation. It is a strange time and an awesome time. Kind of like riding a brand new rollercoaster ride in which you cannot see the track ahead to know if the next will be a curve, an upward slope or a sudden drop. It is invigorating and it makes one feel alive.