Well, I’m finally home after a trip to the Naturopath’s office for my IV Vitamin C treatment and a discussion with my doctor and then an uber failed attempt at shopping. It never fails when I want to find a particular item it is nowhere to be found.
As I was driving to the Naturopath’s office which is about an hour away, I was thinking about how much I enjoy driving. The only exception to that is when someone gets in my way. Like the three motorcycles on the highway yesterday when I was returning home from the hospital after getting my bone scan. These three guys I guess thought they owned the fast lane (left lane) and stayed there never moving over to let me or others pass them. At least not until I reached my exit thirty minutes later. WTF! I love motorcycles. I love riding on the back of a motorcycle. I came really close to buying a motorcycle one time until I realized my favorite way to ride a motorcycle was on the back of one. But these guys… I just wanted to run them over. I didn’t of course. I took my lesson in patience and drove somewhat calmly behind them the whole way until I reached my exit. Maybe if they had offered to give me a ride I wouldn’t have gotten so provoked. Hehehehehe.
Maybe I need to back up a step or two. So Friday, everything went like clockwork for the bone scan. After the injection I was told to drink lots of water. I showed her my thermos which I carry everywhere with me and she said, okay, drink one and a half of those, well because I have ice in it I opted for two to make sure I got the one and a half. Then I had to wait two hours until the actual scan so the radioisotopes will do their thing which they need to do before the scan begins. And of course the water had me pissing every thirty minutes or so. Just what I always wanted to do. Oh and by the way I’m radioactive which means border crossings and airports would be a problem for me.
The only problem with waiting is there is no internet for me to hook up to so I could catch up on some of my work that was getting backlogged because of everything going on all week. Then too my cell phone kept dropping its signal. Go figure. I guess I needed to get a taste of a bit of isolation for some reason. So I sat down to read after I did as much work as I could without the internet. Occasionally I was able to use my phone to send messages back and forth through email when it had a signal. The two hours didn’t fly by but they didn’t drag either.
The scan was relatively simple with undertones of bondage. I’ve never been bound, so this was an interesting experiment. My arms were strapped to my sides and my feet were taped together, all this so I wouldn’t have to force these areas to remain perfectly still in a particular position. I could in essence relax and allow the bindings to keep me positioned properly. I actually liked it. I know, probably nothing at all like bondage in sex but hey, it gave me an opportunity to find out I wouldn’t panic if I was bound. Hehehehe. The whole scan took about thirty minutes. The first part of it, the broad flat surface of the camera was maybe at the most an inch from my face. I didn’t measure it and so I wouldn’t feel as though I were in a coffin I closed my eyes and just relaxed not thinking about how claustrophobic it could be for some people.
A second scan was done of my rib area and for this I had to put my hands over my head and keep them there. He didn’t bind them. I was just told to remain still and keep my hands above my head.
Hmmm.. I wonder if the guy was any sort of Dominant personality.. hehehe.. I used to think a Dominant would be demanding, forceful, and maybe even speak firmly or with a hard voice. Maybe some do but I get the impression this is not the case for most. The technician was kind, and spoke gently and he made sure I felt comfortable with what was going to happen before he put the scanner in motion and it does move. It slides your whole body forward into a tube like structure. Only the lower part of your body enters the tube while the rest remains outside with the broad flat panels of the camera above and below or to the sides if it is doing the ribs. You hear sounds, sometimes clicking, and then ever so slowly your whole body starts to move back out as it scans down the rest of your body, taking maybe fifteen minutes or so to complete. For me it was rather relaxing. For people who are claustrophobic I would think it could be very unnerving at least until the scan passed your face.
When all the scans were complete I was told my doctor would get the results by the end of next week. So I left and ended up on the highway behind the motorcycles I already mentioned.
A couple hours later, I get a phone call. It is my general surgeon’s office calling. They had already received my scan results. They told me they were inconclusive and the radiologist requested a spinal x-ray. After much discussion we finally figured out a way for me to get the requisition form without having to go back to the breast clinic an hour away. They faxed them to my family doctor and on Monday I will pick them up and then go to the hospital for the x-ray. The “C” word was not used in regards to what was inconclusive, they mentioned possibly arthritis or compression fracture or compressed disc but they are not sure which is why they want the x-ray.
I left this morning for my Naturopath’s office around 9:30am. I think I met all green lights the whole way and arrived around 10:40am. My appointment was at 11am. I had stopped and got gas which is why it took more than an hour.
Inside I felt anxiety begin to build as I spoke with my doctor about the various things which will be occurring and why the surgeons, in particular the plastic surgeon was making the choices he was making. This after one of the other doctors who had started my IV drip of Vitamin C gave me a homeopathic solution to help calm my nerves. I was experiencing pain with the IV which was most likely resulting from tension in my body. I often have tension in my body which I’m not really aware of. It is something that is constantly a part of me and unless I focus on it I don’t realize how tense I am. It wasn’t long after she gave me the solution when I felt a sudden calming of my nerves. However it was about an hour after that when I was taken in to talk with my doctor. Certain things we discussed started triggering anxiety.
It was starting to really sink in that this was happening.
I picked up supplements which we’ll use following surgery and a powder mix which is loaded down with particular vitamins and is used in surgery recovery. I may have walked out feeling like I was prepared with all the supplements I need to get me through surgery and healing but emotionally I was burying how I felt.
I went shopping trying to find a few items my friend sent me in an email that I might need following surgery but my shopping was an uber failure. I couldn’t find a single item, so I packed it up and started heading back home.
On the drive, I no longer had the shopping to distract me. At times I could feel the anxiety building. I was alone and talking out loud to myself and I suddenly admitted out loud to myself, “I don’t want to do this!” “I don’t want my friend to travel all the way here for this.” I feel strongly about this. I would rather spend time with her having fun, exploring BC instead of her having to come here to help see me through my surgery. “I really don’t want to do this.” She will be a comfort. I do know that. I know once she is here I’ll be glad she is. But she will only be staying until Saturday. My surgery is on Wednesday. This isn’t going to be easy for either of us. I keep thinking if only I had someone here who could just stay with me, someone who didn’t have commitments, a job, or have to fly thousands of miles. I feel like I’m putting her through such an inconvenience.
She would chew me out if she knew I was feeling this way. When she first found out about it, she wanted to pack me up and move me thousands of miles and have it all done where she lived so she could take care of me until I was all better. She felt helpless not being able to do anything. She chewed me out for trying to do it all on my own.
Friday, I had also received a call from the surgeon’s office wanting to move my surgery up to the 15th, but I turned it down. I know it might have worked better for my friend who was coming in but they wanted me off all my supplements a week before surgery and I had so many things I needed to get coordinated first, like my short term disability.
And mentally, I think I need time to prepare. I may know that a mastectomy will be done but I don’t think it has sunk in yet. I need to be prepared to come home from surgery with a part of my body gone and with something artificial in its place. It won’t be the actual prosthesis. It will be something temporary which will gently stretch and convince my skin to accept the artificial replacement. That part of my body will never feel the same again. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
So, if these thoughts start to coalesce in my thoughts I feel anxiety start to rear its ugly head. I feel my insides start to quiver. I feel my actual brain clench. I remind myself to breath and I try to switch channels.
Over time, I am hoping the anxiety will lessen, however, I’m afraid it will only do the opposite. My thoughts, my desire, can think of only one thing and it wishes. It wishes to the deepest depths that I had a man, a good dominant, a good man strong on which I could lean, curl up in his lap, feel his strong arms surround me and keep me safe from the horror that keeps hovering within the darkness. I’m scared. I am truly scared.