I don’t like dwelling on the mundane. There just is no substance to it. Nothing to grip upon or sink my teeth into. I’m a cannibal wanting to feast upon my desire yet everyday something new rips that desire from me, leaving me starving. Then I set out to recapture it and I find myself naked and alone, not cherished, not loved, so long from being touched my flesh no longer can feel.
There are times, like now, my mind enters into a darkness so vast no edges can be seen. I feel myself wondering around in the dark world of “What Dreams May Come”. A favorite of mine since the first day of meeting I can still feel the emotions for they surround me, live within me to this day. I sank my teeth into it and it tasted like life itself, my life.
There was always something sad in his eyes. I saw it through the laughter from the first. When I read the news yesterday I shook my head then bowed and felt the sorrow enter deeply. Of all the celebrities which have died over the many years of my life there was only one other which touched me as deeply.
I am sad today. I am sad not because he chose to leave but because I’m not making that same choice but the choice might be thrust upon me whether I want it or not. His passing, his traveling on, along with other factors of yesterday including déjà vu moments makes me feel I won’t be long behind which means I’ll be leaving my daughter behind.
So instead, I sink my teeth into the darkness. I taste cold metallic metal. I grind it between my teeth and lick at it with my tongue, then suck the juice of its nectar, swallowing it, hoping it will awaken a seed of sunshine or harden into a shiny reflective surface which will call and seduce a simple ray of warmth and sunlight.
I slept horribly last night. I woke probably a dozen times. Each time I felt the sadness pervading my soul. Finally, at 6am, I decided it was time to stop trying to sleep. Although I still lie between the sheets of my bed as I write this, I have been awake for an hour and a half thinking about my day. I want it to move forward. I want to get past this time of the unknown and move into certainty. Certainty gives me something to grasp a hold on, gives me something to either fight or embrace, something to sink my teeth into.
The stopping of my hormone pills and my vitamins and supplements has me now waking in pain. Oh I woke before in pain but it was not so disagreeable and usually leaves shortly after getting out of bed. Now my pain is sharper and my body more stiff and it lasts for hours.
The world around us gives us signs. It puts before us things to prepare us for what is coming later. I spent a year with my father constantly in my thoughts thinking I should try to get in touch with him. I didn’t know why this feeling was so prevalent that year when I’d gone for ten or more years of not thinking about or wanting to see him. That year it persisted and I resisted. The first week of December we were told of his passing. Later we discovered medications that indicated he had severe health problems and they all started around the time he started becoming a constant thought within my head.
I’ve had signs. I won’t say what those signs are. What I do know is I’ve had a constant thought in my head for some time now of which I have been procrastinating upon. I hear clearly the voice in my head telling me it is time to stop procrastinating.
It is a dark and cloudy morning here this morning. I can only hope that means rain. A cleansing rain. A cooling rain. I want to be able to step out into it and feel its cool, refreshing and cleansing moisture washing away what feels like a hard and cruel reality.